Category Archives: Advertisments

Government launch campaign to raise awareness of bestiality laws

Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson

The UK Home Office has announced a £2.5 million public information campaign, aimed at raising awareness of bestiality laws, and reminding people that sex with animals is illegal.

High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
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New Pepsi ad to feature Ken Livingstone

“This reminds me of a story about Hitler”

Following widespread condemnation of its controversial new advert, Pepsi has bowed to pressure and replaced the ad with one featuring Ken Livingstone.

The cancelled ad featured Kendall Jenner at a protest, and offended many by suggesting that the problem of police brutality could be solved by attractive models waving cans of fizzy drink.

The video has been removed from YouTube and in a statement, the company said: “Pepsi was trying to project a global a message of unity, peace and understanding.”

“Clearly, we missed the mark, and that’s why we’re going to replace it with two minutes of Ken Livingstone talking about Hitler.”

“He’s going to imply that Germany’s Jews and Hitler were on the same side in the 30s, while sipping a refreshing ice-cold Pepsi Max.”

“You can’t get much more unity, peace and understanding than Ken Livingstone, and for payment all he wanted was a WWII German infantry helmet filled with newts.”

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Light saber condoms ‘a step too far’ admits Disney

light saber

Is that a Yoda in your pocket? Or do you have a serious medical condition?

Disney has admitted that their Star Wars franchise may have cocked up, as it rolled out a new light saber condom.

Available in Jedi Green, or red for those who want to explore the dark side, the prophylactic is lubricated to reduce science friction.

But consumer groups have complained that the sheath is a wholly inappropriate way to get inside fans and build excitement about the franchise.
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Outrage at Star Wars Audi product placement

millennium falcon3

It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.

Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.

With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.

“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
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For sale: Water cannon. Genuine reason for sale

boris johnson

For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket

For sale, any reasonable offer considered.

Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.

Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.

Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.

Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.

Interested? Then contact:

Boris Johnson
Mayor of London
City Hall
London SE1 2AA

(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)

 

 

 

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Nivea’s new cream “audibly reduces” wrinkles

Molly (32) has used Nivea since she was a girl

Nivea launched more advertising mush this week, for women with good bathroom mirrors but low self-esteem.

“Sadly, we can’t lawfully tell outright lies in adverts nowadays” said Harold born Anastasia Blunt, Director of Word-mangling at Nivea “which is a shame, as that was the best bit of the job.”

“We have either to invent new words or slam real words together so they don’t actually mean anything. If it can’t be understood, it can’t be lying; we get our lawyers to run a check, just to be sure.”she explained, adding “The clue is in the words ‘make- up'”. Continue reading

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Has Halifax helped a man who didn’t give extra?

halifaxbadge

Stephanie knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. Or is that Santa?

The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating whether the Halifax bank might have deliberately lent money to a lazy oaf described by colleagues as ‘one of life’s takers’.

Other banks might give such assistance with impunity. However, Halifax’s claim that ‘people who give extra should get extra back from their bank’, means the advertising watchdog is looking at how the company actually weeds out the sluggards from the grafters.

“We’ve not found anything yet.” said an ASA spokesperson “Indeed, after only a few moment’s moderately hard thinking, we realised it was probably impossible. There’s nothing on the loan application form about it.”

“If we can’t come up with something soon, we may have to ask George Osborne how he sorts out hard-working taxpayers from the rest of us.”

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Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

Walkers crisp competition won by ‘Pringles flavour’

pringle flavour

Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.

Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.

Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.

“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
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Louis Vuitton enters ‘posh crisp bag’ market

vuiton crisps

Louis Vuitton crisp bags unlikely to be plundered by husbands.

Fashion giant Louis Vuitton is targeting fat cats, with a new range of impossibly posh potato-based snack bags.

The firm will offer exclusive flavours for the more discerning palate, including lamb n’ minted, cheese et privilege and ‘plain’ pomme de tiara.

With product placement key to success, celebrities from LA to St. Tropez have been spotted dipping into the designer delicacies, before wiping their fingers on a servant.
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‘Misleading’ Centre Parcs ad ‘showed visitor who still had some money left’

money burn

Slightly cheaper than burning an approved fire log.

An advert for holiday sharks Centre Parcs has been banned, after claims that it showed a visitor who still had a penny to his name.

Amidst the normal crowd of gaunt faces and children dressed in rags was a man looking at a menu, and wondering whether to buy chips.

“The very idea that anyone can come away from Centre Parcs while still remaining solvent is a disgusting distortion of the truth”, said campaigner Pippa Delaney.

“We’d done most of our money before we’d left the car park and had to spend the remaining four days eating soil. We just sat in our chalet trying to remember how to play charades, and fantasising about cooking a swan over one of their £87 fire logs.”
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Translator wins Chinese contract, joy radiance abounds

A happy, long man is upwording for China, in a moneybelt stuffer to glory.

grass

Unenglishing backwards can also be attend.

Malcolm ‘Translator’ Evans, clear minded and winsome, will do english from the stuff China are pouting.

“Its been a mind tapper for some period of doubt in my wallet”, beamed Evans, taller now and communistically handsome. “I word to the wise, harsh wood softly poken. Never capitals, you bellowing prannet.”
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Which chess piece are you? Take our test!

chess dilemmaDo you like chess?

Do you have an affinity with a particular cheese piece?

Are you a horsey, a tall one with a nobble on top or are you one of the small ones?

Take our quiz and find out!

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Henry and Hetty Numatic in acrimonious split

henrythebastard

Henry has been accused of landing a sucker punch.

Well-known cleaning couple, Henry and Hetty Numatic, have filed for divorce amid shocking new revelations about their private lives.  The new revelations follow the publication last week of an image showing Henry on the half-landing of their big house on the Dunstable Road with his electric cable wrapped round Hetty’s face.

“There was certainly a face-off,” said the editor of domestic servitude newsletter The Daily Maid.   “He looked like he was trying to strangle her and when they were pulled apart, Hetty’s face came off.  It took ages to snap it back on.”

Fortunately the damage was only cosmetic.  “It’s nothing a bit of plastic surgery can’t fix,” said Henry, dismissing the strangling allegation as nothing more than ‘a cable entanglement incident’.
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Supermarket ‘face scan’ spots wide faces – refuses to sell them cake

shop

‘Beep! No butter for you, Mr Wilson. Or shampoo.’

A local shop keeper claims to have developed a ‘face scanning’ tool, that can automatically target fat people and then deny them biscuits or doughnuts.

But sceptics have claimed that the inventor is just shouting ‘beep!’ himself, and then making personal remarks about local known pie botherers.

Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold’s second-favourite supermarket, ‘Guntco’s’,  claims he developed the device to ‘help save the public from themselves’.
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Sperm Donor Available

Personal delivery service – can come to yours. Apply: Dimon Selaney (still not my real name) 01998 254788

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An appeal on behalf of ‘Mick Clarkson’s Cars’

Please could any villager who is planning on buying a new car in the near future consider purchasing from Harold’s local car dealer, ‘Mick Clarkson’s Cars’. As you can see from this photo, his once brand new stock is beginning to look a bit ‘dated’.

A quick use of Deed Poll means you could have a personalised number plate.

A quick use of Deed Poll means you could have a personalised number plate.

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Advertising feature: Introducing the amazing child-cleaning power of MumSpit

Made from only the finest free range mums

Made from only the finest free range mums

Have you ever noticed how messy children can become when you’re out? Ice cream, chocolate, mud and animal fur all seem to be magnetically attracted to their faces, leaving other people thinking you don’t wash your kids. Sure you could use a wet wipe, but if anything you are just spreading the problem. That’s where we can help

Introducing ‘MumSpit’

Made with the cleaning power of spit from over 40 authentic mothers all from the village of Harold, MumSpit not only kills 99.9% of all known germs, but it also has a bloody good go at the remaining 0.1%. Sprayed liberally onto the offending face, MumSpit can then wiped away with a hanky, a jumper sleeve or a McDonald’s napkin. Continue reading

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