“The lies I told about Iraq were this big…”
During his phone-in on LBC today Boris Johnson, a clever man pretending to be a golden retriever pretending to be an idiot, described Tony Blair as an “eel-like customer”. And in doing so lent a fresh dignity to British politics. Continue reading
Tony Blair: massive threat to both village productivity and world peace
The village of Harold has declared itself the UK’s first Tony Blair exclusion zone after it was determined that he was having an adverse effect on productivity.
“We’ve lost countless working hours to Tony Blair,” said Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Every time he’s on the radio, TV or in the press pontificating about this, trying to start another war over that, people are unable to concentrate on their jobs as they have to vent about his hypocrisy and greed.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Blair’s warmongery stocks a range of traditional tin blood baths.
Tony Blair has moved to Harold and opened a traditional little warmongers, with organic biological weapons and free-range dossiers a speciality.
But locals are worried that the business could affect house prices, particularly if a bomb should go off.
‘Deng of Iniquity: Warmongery to the discerning despot’ has taken over the premises of Harold’s cancer research shop. It’s also been knocked through to the neighbouring chippy, after Blair heard that ‘The Stephen Fryer’ held large stocks of oil.
Some residents have been more welcoming to Blair than others; Cllr Ron Ronnson was one of the first to greet him. “Lovely to meet you, did you bring any money?”, Blair joked. “I won’t shake hands if you don’t mind. I’ve got blood on them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics, War
The opening skirmish of Operation “Cock and Awe”…
Following yesterday’s courtroom revelation that Tony Blair advised Rebekah Brooks on how to tackle her phone hacking problem, the nation is breathlessly asking itself today whether that is the only tackle he helped her with.
Blair is believed by many to have been steadily working his way through the sexual conquest of the entire female staff of News Corporation, from the highest Chief Executive’s wife down to the lowliest News of the World editor. Wendi Deng, the former wife of Rupert Murdoch, allegedly developed a passionate obsession with him, and fiery redhead Brooks may just have been the latest woman to need urgent help with her briefs. Continue reading
We can’t get enough of them!
A shock late rush of Oscar nominations has been announced, consisting entirely of a large selection of those fascinating “My Facebook movie” movies.
These videos are automatically generated by Facebook from a fairly random choice out of all the photos and words you’ve ever posted on the site.
As you’d expect from Facebook, the quality of the resulting movies is so outstanding that the Oscar judges have been obliged to cancel the nominations for all the ‘traditional’ movies this year, replacing them with the artistically superior Facebook ones.
Upcoming Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres spoke today of her joy that ‘American Hustle’, ‘Gravity’ and ‘Captain Phillips’ are being replaced by Melanie Delaney’s uncompromising ‘My Facebook Movie’, Kevin Ronsson’s enchanting ‘My Facebook Movie’, and experimental art-house/Dogme epic ‘My Facebook Movie’ from Simon Kettle (aged 14). Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Technology
The fist of history biffs Blair in the face
It seemed impossible but after only seven days of intensive talks at UN Geneva Headquarters there was unilateral agreement after both sides agreed that UN peace envoy, Tony Blair, should keep his nose out of the peace talks.
Waiting press were first alerted to the possibility of a surprise announcement when a UN aide hurried out the building, returning a few minutes later clutching a glasses and a magnum of champagne. This was enough to baffle seasoned observers, but when news leaked out that Tony Blair may have been at the centre of things, there was widespread disbelief that his involvement could have had such a positive effect.
UN mediator, Lakhdar Brahimi, explained how the historic breakthrough was achieved. Continue reading
Filed under International News, Politics
Medics eventually arrived to rub salt into his wounds.
Tony Blair is said to be in a critical condition after a member of the public carried out a routine citizen’s Stop and Search on the former PM.
‘have-a-go-hero’ Melanie Jones spotted Blair driving around in broad daylight, and instinctively knew she should bring him in.
“It was so brazen, this known criminal was just cruising around without so much as a by your leave”, said Jones. “So I slammed my car into the side of his before shooting him in citizen’s self defence.”
Police eventually arrived on the scene after consulting their lawyers and carrying out a risk assessment. Later they decided that they ought to email for an ambulance, as soon as they’d finished searching the scene for incriminating evidence.
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
Tony Blair (right, in balaclava) spoke of the horrors of war
After reluctantly agreeing to the Iraqi government’s desperate plea for weapons to fight insurgents who are taking over the country, the United States has angrily demanded to know how the hell the country got into such a shitty state to begin with.
American surveillance drones and Hellfire missiles will shortly be delivered to help with the attack on the city of Fallujah, which has fallen to Islamic militants, but US Secretary of State John Kerry insisted this morning that the USA will not continue indefinitely to clean up “other people’s messes”. Continue reading
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Filed under Defence, International News, Religion
Have you seen this man?
European Interpol chief Claude Reinmens said the search for Blair had gone cold and they needed the public’s help. “We have searched all the obvious places, Blair’s 9 houses, oil company headquarters, and Wendi Deng’s bedroom. We even searched the International Criminal Court in the Hague, but they hadn’t seen him either.”
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Filed under Crime, International News, Law and Order, Politics
Apparently only one of these people wilfully refuses to listen to any opposing views for comedic effect.
Ahead of a Panorama documentary to be broadcast tonight which will show that the charity Comic Relief has invested tens of millions of pounds in arms, alcohol and tobacco companies one prominent recipient of Comic Relief’s largesse has leapt to its defence.
The warlord known as Tony B has says that he got a lot out of his association with the red nose. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
The scene was so emotional you couldn’t make it up, unless you are the security services or Alastair Campbell
A tearful Tony Blair was reunited temporarily with his conscience last Saturday, at the Royal Albert Hall’s Festival of Remembrance.
Blair, who has been publicly recognised for his major part in creating “Gulf2: ‘A boy never forgets starting his first war’” had left his conscience in the waiting area outside the US President’s Oval Office in 2002 but forgot to collect it on his way out. He’d not been expecting to see it again for a long time, if ever. Continue reading
Is that a WMD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
A spokesman for Mr Murdoch said similar weapons have already been deployed around the world to break up marriages for many years, and they can be deadly from close range.
“We believe Blair is concealing a WMD in his pants” said the Murdoch spokesman. “And we have information that Blair has been conducting secret solo trials of his weapon for many years.”
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Filed under International News, Politics
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