Tag Archives: satire

Ministers hold flood meeting with insurers

FloodsFlood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but  this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:

“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”

“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading

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Filed under floods, News, Politics

Floods: ‘a great income-stream’ for river charity

floodmooring invoices

An elite River-Warden delivers an urgent bill for overdue mooring fees on this detached house

Flooded-out residents of usually sleepy Oxfordshire town Henley-on-Thames  have received unexpected demands for mooring fees from the Canal & River Trust. “At first I thought this was just some cruel practical joke” said Deputy Mayor Jarvis Marten, whose mostly-submerged dormer bungalow is more often a good two streets away from the Thames, “but sadly not.”

Canal and River Trust  took over care of 2000 miles of historic waterways in 2012, when  stick-in-the-mud British Waterways with  its rather old-fashioned  values ceased to exist. Robert Pearce, the Trust’s Chief Executive explained the rationale for sending out invoices to house-owners.“Trustees of any registered charity have a legal duty to maximise their charity’s income, so when we spotted this potential income-stream we were on it like bankers on a bonus bond. Continue reading

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Army running out of mugs

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Philip Hammond has admitted to confusion over the Ministry of Defence’s continual need to refresh its stock of brave idiots.

“What happens is this,” explained Hammond who, when in front of a drab background, has to jump around in order to be seen. “I make loads of soldiers redundant and then, for some reason, I have less soldiers than I need.”Sure, at Oxford I read philosophy and so sums aren’t my strong suit but even allowing for that, I’ll be honest with you, it’s a conundrum”.

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‘Mock the Week’ scoring fixed say Abu Hamza, Prescott, Bieber

Fingers pointed at Mock The Week

Fingers pointed at Mock The Week

As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.

An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.

Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.

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Filed under Art, Culture, Politics, Showbusiness

NRA: ‘Stop repeat of Washington shootings by routinely arming Navy’

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NRA urged to fight back against protesters by arming security with pro-gun banners

Following another tragic shooting in America yesterday, the argument for stricter gun controls has resurfaced.

With many calling for the owning of guns by crazed maniacs to be made illegal, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) has once again defended the right to bear arms and suggested an alternative idea.

“After the Sandy Hook tragedy we recommended the routine arming of teachers as a sensible solution to stop psychopaths killing at random, and some states even made the idea policy” said Wayne LaPierre, executive Vice President of the NRA.
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Filed under Crime, International News, News, Politics

Village looks to get name attached to Heathrow airport

20130521-224730.jpgIn a bid to increase tourism into the village, Harold Tourist Board (HTA) have applied to BAA to have a major airport renamed. With the tradition of airports being named after a place they are nowhere near, the HTA are looking to change a well-known airport to Harold Heathrow.

“We have been looking at ways to increase the amount of foreign visitors coming to the village on holiday” the HTA said in a statement. “Someone suggested building an airport and calling it London Harold, but that would have been far too expensive. Continue reading

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Google tax avoidance search

'Searching' for the truth.

‘Searching’ for the truth.

Just doing a bit of research into the hearing of the common select committee on tax avoidance, and got this.

If you like it, we’d love you to share it

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by | May 18, 2013 · 10:00 am

Dambusters in-flight catering was superior to budget airlines

Food and Drink with Miles Anour

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

There’s a lot being written about the 70th anniversary of the Dambusters wartime air raid. There is no doubting that the men who carried out this mission were heroically brave, but the prospect of near certain death was compensated for a little by the high standard of in-flight catering in those days. I mean, compared to EasyJet or similar frightful flight providers.

For a start, refreshments and meals would have been included. I’ll bet the crew didn’t have to pay their in-flight butler extra for a measly coffee, peanuts or a Mars bar. And I know for a fact that they started stuffing their faces from the moment the pilot called out ‘chocs away’. I’ve seen the old films.

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

Sir Alex leaves Manchester United in preparation to take over from the Queen

Previously crowned 'king of Europe' Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Previously crowned ‘king of Europe’ Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement from football today, positioning himself to take over managing the country from the Queen.

“I see Prince Charles is being sent to the commonwealth meeting in the Queen’s place to prepare him” Fergie told reporters. “These other countries need a leader they can trust and take seriously, so I will go with him.”

This move has led to speculation that not even the Queen can trust the Prince of Wales to take on the role as head of state when the time comes. Insiders at the palace have denied that claim, but with Sir Alex expected to sit beside the Queen during the state opening of Parliament, the rumours continue.

Earlier there were conflicting reports. Some had suggested he was going to take the top job at Reading FC, but the ‘royals’ he is going to manage turned out to be the Windsors.
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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics, Royals, Sport, Uncategorized

Britain needs less protection from people like me, says Liam Fox

mr_fox

More public money, with eggs on top!

Disgraced omni-dubious former Secretary of State for Defence Liam Fox has called for a return to days of Thatcherite values when more casual regulation meant people like him could stick their sweaty noses into the trough unopposed.

Fox, seen as a standard-bearer of the Tory right, will call for the party to fight the next general election on a radical platform of tax cuts, privatisation and deregulation from people like himself, who spunk public money on their old mates who live with them in rent-free orgiastic luxury.

“What this country needs to get back on its feet is a total absence of regulations preventing Ministers from giving Britain’s money to old male chums, when said chums have no government role whatsoever,” Fox explained. “Old being a relative term of course, for close buddies who are 17 years younger than oneself, and enjoy sharing a pig’s trotter stuffed with lark’s vomit. The very real risk that such behaviour could have almost landed one with a custodial sentence is acting as a brake on investment, and could significantly impact my retirement plans.”

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Filed under Crime, Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Harold’s Weekly News Round Up
There was controversy yesterday after a care assistant reported Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, for biting her during a game of gin rummy. After the game, Manager Marjorie Houndstooth played down the incident, saying she had been unsighted when the alleged offence took place. She said that Elsie, 86, has been told to “pack it in” but pointed out that Elsie only put in her teeth for “big occasions”.
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Fury as ‘undercover’ economist penetrates BBC

koreastats

Regime denied statues ‘lean to the left’

A local economist ‘endangered the lives of journalists’, by infiltrating their group and penetrating the very heart of the BBC. That’s the claim from a union rep who handles the camera crews, sound recordists and script readers, who do the bidding of the shadowy regime.

Professor of economics Julia Hogsburn has often wondered about the inner workings of the BBC, and how so many inside the system believe what they’re told without question.

But living in Harold meant Hogsburn was unlikely to come into contact with anyone from the state broadcaster, because she lives over 40 miles outside the M25.
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17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

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Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

thatcher
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.

With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.

In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
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Homeopath tackles epidemic by treating water supply with ‘single measle’

reddot

A single, measly measle

In response to news of a Rubeola epidemic, local Homeopath George Tredinnick has isolated a single measle, and plans to drop it down Harold’s water well.

With the MMR jab refusing to protect those that didn’t benefit from it, Tredinnick claims that the current crisis calls for ‘something more potent, with the sort of strength that comes from watering it down’.

“According to my homeopathic principles, slipping just half a measle down the village pump could protect the residents of our community”, revealed Tredinnick.

“In fact dilution is key, so almost not adding a measle is even better. I could leave it in a beaker, somewhere close to the well.”
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Newspaper archiving contract awarded to local chip shop

ipad chips300

Archive ‘tablet and gravy compatible’

A contract to archive Britain’s Most Online Regional Newspaper has been won by local chip shop owner Stephen Trawlerman.

Back-up versions of the Evening Harold will be kept safe for future generations, in a specially labelled ‘electric area’ at the back of ‘The Stephen Fryer’.

Cllr Ron Ronsson welcomed Harold’s niche on the world wide internet, claiming it would be ‘immensly good’ for local tourism. “With his easy talk of clouds, terry gigaflops and 40 pence for a tray of scraps, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d like a saveloy with that”, claimed Ronsson.

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Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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