Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven
The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading
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This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.
People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, Health, Politics
“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”
The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.
“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading
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No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance
Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.
The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.
Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading
Stung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.
Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading
The officially approved NHS logo
The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.
Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said he has found the answer to all of the NHS’s problem and has asked for the public’s help in fixing it.
“Stop using the bloody NHS” Mr Hunt pleaded in a press conference to announce his plans.
“Every time we sort a problem out, patients decide they need to use the service putting pressure on it and making us go backwards.
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Black represents the bad bit.
As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.
Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.
“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics
After gaining more powers over the NHS in a commons’ vote last night, Jeremy Hunt has outlined plans to make the health service more efficient and streamlined by closing every hospital.
Under coalition plans, closed hospitals can either be purchased by private healthcare providers, knocked down for housing, or turned into Poundlands.
The health secretary was forced to defend the move. “The NHS costs the taxpayers billions of pounds every year,” he argued.
“So the best thing to do with an organisation that is losing money is to get rid of it, unless it’s a bank of course, then you buy it.”
Concerns have been raised about the small matter of the coalition providing healthcare and a corridor for poor people to die in. However Mr Hunt explained there will be options for those that can’t afford private insurance.
“We will take the example from the education sector and let people set up their own ‘free hospitals’,” he said.
“It’s a great system that lies outside of government control, which means they can be set up without any real doctors.
“I can’t think of anything cheaper than getting a mechanic doing surgery. In fact, anyone that can remove a rib without making the patient buzz and his nose light up is qualified enough for me.”
Despite widespread condemnation of the plans, the health secretary has said he feels he has the full backing of the soon-to-be-redundant nurses in the hospitals.
“I was in Lewisham just the other day and I’m sure heard them all shouting my name in support. ‘Hunt, Hunt, you’re a funky Hunt’ they shouted. I think. Oh wait, maybe it was…oh.”
NHS England has announced it will delay selling your details and medical records to third parties until they have convinced the public it will be ok.
A spokesman for the organisation said: “Because people are now realising that the companies holding the information can’t be 100% guaranteed not to lose it and that in some circumstances it may be possible to identify you, we understand we have to spend more time and money convincing them not to worry.
Skinny suit can make the fat people feel ‘as svelte as an airship’.
The NHS is squeezing fat patients into skinny suits, to give them an idea of what it feels like to be slim.
Imported from the US at a cost of £1,000 each, the suits can compress a 400-lb woman down to a size 10 dress size: the process uses something called ‘gut wax’ and an industrial vacuum.
It’s hoped that the suits will provide an insight into just how hard it can be to roll some of their fattest fellow patients from the ward down to the vending machines and back, and perhaps establish a glimmer of self-loathing, moderation and personal responsibility.
Anne Fallow is in charge of the trial, and explained the NHS’s new approach to dealing with the clinically greedy.
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Filed under Medicine, Technology
He’s fine. Probably just needs a tickle.
With the Royal College of Psychiatrists claiming mental health services are ‘near breaking point’, Care Minister Norman Lamb has insisted that they ‘try and cheer up’.
“The trouble with the bloody psychiatrists is that for them, the glass is always half empty, whereas in reality it’s almost a third full. Well, maybe a quarter. Certainly not very much less than a quarter, that’s for sure. They should just get a grip and snap out of it.”
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A review into the NHS and emergency treatment has suggested a two-tier healthcare system; NHS or BUPA.
“This new system will be easy to understand” Prof Sir Bruce Keogh, the NHS director who led the review explained.
“Those who wish to be seen, diagnosed and treated in less than four hours, all in the comfort of a clean, well-funded hospital and complimentary dressing gown can go to a BUPA hospital.”
After earlier announcing that the NHS could save £500 million a year by charging foreign patients, Health Minister Jeremy Hunt said another £2 billion could be freed up if doctors harvested their organs.
“By charging foreigners for health care we will get the shirts off their back, which then provides easier access to their kidneys” clarified Hunt.
“My officials confirm that a number of Eastern European migrants are greedily entering the UK with two kidneys and could easily spare one to pay for routine GP visits and prescriptions. The kidneys could be on sold to China, or swapped for iPhone 5s.”
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Hunt in training to deal with awkward questions
The popular Health Secretary has told NHS pay review bodies that even the capped public sector 1% pay increase is unaffordable.
“Paying these spongers what we’ve already agreed to would cost us much more than we previously estimated, if my abacus is correct” said Jeremy Hunt, the well-known typing error.
“But once we’d fired up the Amstrad PCW8512 and crunched most of the numbers, we knew we’d dropped a right bollock.”
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It may look like there is nothing here, but this photo has the ‘memory’ of a picture of the last homeopathy convention
Homeopathy practitioners working for the NHS have voted underwhelming to strike over proposed pension reform. Currently practitioners save for their estimated 25 years of retirement, by contributing 0.02% of their annual salary. However the Government is now asking them to ‘increase their dilution’ to 0.04%.
Critics have said the turnout for strike ballot was too low to make the action legal. However Angela Blue-sky, head of The Homeopathy Union explained “we wanted to ballot our membership of over 3000 practitioners over possible action, but to send the loudest message to the government we decided to ask just one member for maximum effect.” Continue reading
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