Tag Archives: News

by | April 14, 2013 · 8:30 am

Village excitement as Harold looks to make first ‘Bitcoin’

Digital trickery

Digital trickery

Forward-thinking technocrats from the Harold council have announced their intention for the village to move into the cutting-edge world of internet virtual finance by ‘minting’ the district’s first and only Bitcoin.

Bitcoins are a relatively new financial phenomenon, and are created when computers solve a complicated mathematical problem. The resultant binary data lives only on the internet, but can actually be converted into real cash on the money exchanges. The “coin”‘s emergence has created a new currency which is only used by sophisticated computer experts, and has no real existence in the physical world.
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by | April 13, 2013 · 6:00 pm

Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom

search for a star copy12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.

Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.

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by | April 9, 2013 · 1:14 pm

17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

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by | · 10:00 am

Village Women’s Institute caught up in global food scandal

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Some of the village’s most respected female community members are keeping a low profile today after harrowing accusations surrounding food stuffs produced by the local Women’s Institute.

At the centre of the allegations is the WI’s “Organically matured grated hard cheese for pasta”, which most consumers had assumed to be a variation of the Italian favourite parmesan. However, sources claim that members have simply been using Scholl foot files to produce the shavings from the soles of their feet at little to no cost, placing it into rustic looking boxes, and selling it on for £4.99 a pop. The FSA have launched an investigation, however the WI are claiming the labelling is factually correct, and therefore no rules have been breached.

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by | April 8, 2013 · 2:09 pm

Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

thatcher
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.

With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.

In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
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by | · 11:30 am

Town twinning committee seeks new members as tragic incident depletes numbers

Road baghdadHarold’s town twinning committee is looking to recruit 3 new members after their latest overseas visit ended in tragedy.

The group of Harold town councillors and local dignitaries had been returning to Damascus from a highly successful community relation enhancement exercise in Aleppo when their bus was hit by a rocket propelled grenade, believed to have been fired by forces loyal to President Bashar-al-Assad. This latest incident brings the town twinning committee’s death toll to twelve. Continue reading →

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by | April 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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by | · 12:00 pm

Lance Armstrong may compete at primary school’s sports day

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Following his withdrawal from a swimming championship in Texas, Lance Armstrong has been sent an invitation to compete at St Mary’s CofE Primary School’s sports day in May.

The annual event falls outside of the jurisdiction of any anti-drug agencies that have imposed a lifetime ban on all competitive sport for the disgraced cyclist, leaving him free to participate in the parents’ races including the 100 meters dash, the sack race, and the highlight of the day, the elite egg and spoon race.

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by | April 4, 2013 · 12:00 pm

Tesco’s self-serve checkouts become more realistic; now with added attitude

Click the picture for a closer look

Click the picture for a closer look

With an increasing amount of complaints about self-serve checkouts in shops being ‘impersonal and robotic’, Tesco are trailing a new version of the tills that gives you the lack of service you have come to expect from a real barely-live person.

Tesco Express in Harold is one of the stores testing out the checkouts and so far they seem to have gone down well. “I always felt uneasy at the way the machines would say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’” one loyal customer explained.

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by | April 2, 2013 · 5:08 pm

Wheelchair teen’s job fury

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

A young Haroldian is claiming that he was turned down for a job as a security guard at the Harold branch of Tesco Express because he uses a wheelchair. Referring to himself as an “extreme sitter” Simon Delaney (17) says that he would be much more effective in the role than the current incumbent, William McKean.

‘Have you seen the state of that fat bastard?’ A furious Delaney demanded. ‘What’s he going to do when he sees someone shoplifting? Sweat at them until they stop? I’m rolling twice as fast as a man can sprint. No one’s getting away from me, it’s not happening. McKean’s about as much use as tits on a fish.’ Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Logistics error sees morris men deployed to war-zone

This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot

This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot

A decision to allow both Harold’s branch of the Territorial Army and the village’s morris dancers to share use of the village hall is to be reviewed. This follows a transportation error which saw the whole flange of morris dancers deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan.

The jingling hanky wavers were due to travel from the hall to Sidcup for the National Prancing Championships. Unfortunately a coach was also due at the hall to take the TA to RAF Brize Norton to fly out to the war-zone and take up a combat role against the Taliban, a coach the morris men accidentally but keenly boarded.

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Released Huhne doesn’t think ‘new image’ will prevent a return to public life

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by | February 1, 2013 · 12:15 am