How can you miss an open goal as big as these two egos?
The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading
Filed under News
It’s a worry
In a move of either political genius or heartbreaking stupidity, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sensationally resigned from his own shadow cabinet along with everyone else.
Giving the reason for his resignation as “the staggering incompetence of the leadership around here”, Corbyn seems to finally have struck a chord with Labour voters, seeing his approval rating leap.
“The people in charge of this party have to realise that their performance just hasn’t been good enough,” he explained to a bemused interviewer this morning.
“During the referendum campaign I was completely invisible, lacklustre and unconvincing,” he thundered. “And it’s about time I stood up and told me I’m not taking any more of myself.”
Comments Off on Jeremy Corbyn accidentally resigns from shadow cabinet too
Filed under Politics
We think he’ll do a purrfect job. Purrfect, get it? Purrfect. Please yourselves.
Speaking to a packed House of Commons David Cameron has confirmed that in order to provide the nation with leadership and stability Larry the cat, currently in post as Downing Street’s top mouser, will be Prime Minister very soon.
“This country is divided and facing economic armageddon,” Cameron said from the dispatch box. “I don’t know why everyone’s pointing and jeering as if that’s somehow my fault. Anyway, we need a strong leader and Larry is by some margin the most capable and popular member of this government. Plus no one knows who his dad is so there’s no Panama-style revelations lurking in any closets there.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Larry the cat will be in place as Prime Minister in days, Cameron confirms
Filed under Brexit
Not exactly smallprint
Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.
The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”
Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.
Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.
The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.
“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”
“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”
“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”
Comments Off on Duncan Smith ‘never noticed’ giant £350 million NHS pledge on bus
Filed under EU referendum, News
OK, you first.
The country has reacted with bitter disappointment this morning to discover on waking that Nigel Farage is for some reason still in existence.
“Leaving Europe will bugger up our country for generations,” explained Evening Harold business editor Piers Waghorn, “But if there was one faint silver lining to this massive turd cloud it was that Farage should logically cease to be.”
“What’s he thinking? Why does he still exist? By now he should be a bad memory, not a living breathing arsepipe.”
The millions who voted to Leave the EU have also all expressed disappointment, explaining that the only reason they did it was to get rid of Farage once and for all.
“We realise the country will sink into recession and England is now the most despised nation on Earth,” admitted a spokesperson for the 52%.
“But it seemed worth it on the assumption that UKIP would disappear. We feel cheated.”
However, speaking to journalists, Farage insisted that his work was far from complete.
“On one level, I’ve ruined the country, it’s true. But there’s so much more to do. Have you got a swimming pool? Well do you go to one? Good, I’m going to piss in it. Then I’ll let down your tyres. Then I’m off to Tesco’s to touch all the fruit.”
“With my cock.”
“An arsehole’s work is never done!”
Comments Off on Farage still here
Filed under EU referendum
See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap
David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.
“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.
“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”
Comments Off on ‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain
Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics
The clue’s on your hat, George…
Unexpected awkwardness was growing in the Conservative party this afternoon as it became apparent that chancellor George Osborne hasn’t yet realised that he is required to resign just as much as David Cameron.
In a buttock-clenchingly embarrassing display of obliviousness, Osborne has signalled his readiness to roll up his sleeves and begin work on economic adaptation to the new realities, tweeting “It is not the outcome I wanted but I respect decision of British people and will do all I can to make it work”.
“We just haven’t got the heart to tell him,” admitted a party spokesperson. “He’s all keen to get going, he doesn’t seem to have any idea that his political life expectancy is about three milliseconds longer than his mate Dave’s.”
“It’s a bit like one of those chickens still blissfully running around after its head’s been cut off, only more awkward. And with less chicken.”
Comments Off on Awkwardness as Osborne hasn’t realised he’s for the chop too
Filed under EU referendum
And you, and you, and you…
Nigel Farage has taken a moment’s break from his loathsome victory writhings to clarify the Leave campaign’s promise to divert an alleged £350 million per day into the National Health Service.
“That was all bollocks,” he explained. “You see, we said that so that people would vote for us, but it isn’t true.”
“For a start, it isn’t actually £350 million. That was made up. We do pay into the EU, but we get most of it back. But that wouldn’t have made you vote for us.”
“The other thing, about giving the money to the NHS, that was what we in politics call a ‘lie’. We hate the NHS, we’re going to sell it to evil American corporations and deny all health care to poor people.”
“So it wouldn’t make sense to give it money, would it? Come on, be serious.”
“Anyway, today is a great day for democracy.”
“And to further clarify, when I say that, what I mean is – ‘you’re all fucked’. Thanks for listening!”
Comments Off on When we said an extra £350 million a day for the NHS, we actually meant ‘f*ck you’, clarifies Farage
Filed under EU referendum
Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail
The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.
“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News, referendum
Happy now?
Turkeys are heading to the polls today to decide once and for all whether they should demand Christmas.
In a vote which is looking neck and neck, there is every chance that the nation’s turkeys will collectively decide that they want nothing more than to be slaughtered, roasted in fire and feasted on by salivating old Etonians.
“It’s about taking back control,” explained one turkey waiting patiently in line to be butchered. “I could live to a deeply dissatisfying old age, or have my head cut off.”
“Well, it’s my head, and I don’t see why anyone else should tell me what to do with it.”
Celebrity Eurosceptic and glutton Michael Gove explained why a vote for Christmas was the best thing for Britain:
“Our Turkeys know that what they really need is to be smeared with butter, roasted for four hours, and basted every thirty minutes.”
“I’ve been stuffing them for years, and they don’t seem to mind a bit.”
When asked for a comment, drooling carnivore Boris Johnson merely burped and muttered something about gravy.
A spokesturkey for the Remain Alive For God’s Sake campaign expressed disbelief that so many turkeys were voting to be killed and eaten, saying: “Are you not paying attention? They are going to kill and eat us! With gravy! Is that what you want?”
“We’re game!” chorused half the voting turkeys.
Comments Off on Turkey Christmas vote on knife-edge
Filed under News
When you want to think but your brain decides to recite Blackadder quotes instead
The whole country has woken up with the nagging feeling that they’re supposed to do something really serious.
“I keep racking my brains but nothing leaps to mind,” local pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I can recall that people have been shouting at us and talking down to us for ages but now I’m buggered if I know what it was all in aid of.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Everyone trying to remember important thing they’re supposed to do today
Filed under Politics, referendum
Trust me, why would I lie to you?
Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.
“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading
Comments Off on Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain
Filed under breaking news, News, Politics, referendum
Today both sides will be crossing the country releasing these onto high streets
As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.
“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Politicians worried that voters aren’t scared enough yet
Filed under referendum
Two people who live on a planet so different from ours they might as well be aliens
As the referendum campaigns enter their final frothing madness stage the UK is braced for a barrage of instruction from some of the most over-praised and overpaid people in the country. The list is long however the Evening Harold managed to catch up with two of the nation’s leading and most talkative thesps who spake unto us from their bubble of privilege.
Benedict Cumberbatch who last year in the West End nightly treated fans to a very long and ill-informed speech on Syria with a quick couple of scenes from Hamlet thrown in at the beginning said that actors should tell people what to do because “we’re just better than you”. Continue reading
Filed under referendum, Showbusiness
It’s a nice idea but how can people like this integrate into normal society?
Disastrous attempt to breed a golden retriever that could hold down a very simple job, Boris Johnson, was heckled at a Leave rally earlier today when he proposed an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters. Continue reading
Comments Off on Shock as Boris Johnson calls for an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters
Filed under Politics, referendum
Every time you click on the Daily Mail Paul Dacre rips the wings off an angel
Despite being the embodiment of no sane person’s values and an enemy of tolerance and reason the Daily Mail remains massively popular with everyone who claims to hate it.
“It’s a disgusting rag,” said local estate agent Gill Gates. “It hates women and relentlessly promotes division. I believe it represents the very worst aspects of our society. How often do I read it? Oh all the time. It’s on my bookmarks bar and I like to keep up with it so I can have lots of stuff to be outraged at throughout the day.” Continue reading
Comments Off on People who say they hate the Daily Mail still reading it constantly
Filed under Media
Hoofed out of the Olympics for fielding athletes with more drugs in them than the Wolf of Wall Street, Russia has said that it doesn’t care and that playing alone is “way so much cooler and more fun.”
Listlessly bouncing a tennis ball against a wall and trying to catch it one-handed Russia said that the Olympics were “rubbish” and that it didn’t want to compete against other countries because they’re all “gaylords and have fleas.” Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘Olympics is pants and we didn’t want to play anyway’ says Russia
Filed under Olympics
You stay floating round your tin can, Major Tom, er, Tim
British astronaut Tim Peake is declining to return to Earth from ISS tomorrow as scheduled saying that he’s been watching the news and is going to “stay up here where everything’s lovely and peaceful, thanks.”
“From where I am the world is beautiful,” he said. “But up close it’s getting extremely ugly.
Continue reading
Comments Off on “It’s too horrible down there” Tim Peake decides not to return to Earth
Filed under Space
Dating Taylor Swift? We’re not really sure
There is some kind of celebrity relationship bullshit happening, involving Taylor Swift and a man, or possibly two men, who are also celebrities, and apparently this is headline news.
Swift, who sells music, tweets about stuff and sues people, has recently broken up with one of the men and is now dating the other one, who does not play football for Hull City despite having a very similar name to somebody who does. Continue reading
Comments Off on Some celebrity relationship bullshit going on with Taylor Swift
Filed under News
I’d eat them with some fava beans
If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.
This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.
“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics, referendum
You must be logged in to post a comment.