Tag Archives: Ed Miliband

by | December 15, 2013 · 11:00 am

Miliband ‘furious’ after prank Kim Jong-un haircut

Mili-un-hair

Ed tried to keep Mili-un hair status a secret.

Labour leader Ed Miliband is said to be ‘incandescent with rage’ after a disgruntled stylist left him with the hair of a brutal dictator.

Miliband has been closely attended by a team of image consultants and media advisors since he purged his brother David from the party, in an attempt to make him seem wishy-washy, bumbling and odd.

But insiders have occasionally hinted that Miliband is a ruthless and shrewd politician who will stop at nothing to become a supreme leader.
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by | December 1, 2013 · 11:00 am

Osborne to make Autumn Statement in stunning georgette dress

catwalk

It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.

The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced.  “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement  the full son-et-lumiere makeover.  I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.”  The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading →

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by | November 15, 2013 · 7:00 am

Ed Miliband calls for ‘end to Birmingham’

brum

Major parties blame each other for Birmingham.

Labour leader Ed Miliband has thrown his full weight behind a campaign to allow the UK to have a referendum on Birmingham.

Miliband has been criticised recently for a lack of credible policies, but the ‘Birmingham Out’ proposal is set to change all that.

Seen as little more than a car park by many, but a car park with a miserable accent, Birmingham is the ‘Elephant in the Midlands’ according to political pundits.

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by | October 4, 2013 · 12:52 pm

Daily Mail denies Miliband attack motivated by anti-semitism

Capture Of course that was a long time ago and to imply that this reflects the current practice and outlook of the Daily Mail would be as mad as holding a son to account for his father’s views.

 

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by | September 25, 2013 · 7:00 am

“Small Firms good, Big Firms bad” bleats Ed

Miliband and I

Miliband assured voters he would buy this place, and have it knocked down.

Wearing a facemask of his less unpopular brother David held on with elastic behind the ears, the other Miliband today unveiled Labour’s economic master-plan to the party conference.

Speaking without notes and unrestricted by any obvious sincerity, Ed Miliband soon had the party faithful at the Brighton Centre buzzing. [Buzzing? Is that the things bees do? Check this before publishing Tricia, it might be droning. Or dozing.]

“Conference, friends, at the very vanguard of our One Notion initiatives is company tax reform. We’ll be shifting the balance of corporation tax so as to ease things for the little guy. You know, the weedy chap who was always picked out for bullying by his more charismatic BUT ULTIMATELY MUCH LESS SUCCESSFUL older brother.”
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by | September 22, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Ed Miliband slams Labour leader’s lack of vision

What do you mean we've made the same mistake again? What mistake? Oh.

What do you mean we’ve made the same mistake again? What mistake? Oh.

Ed Miliband has become the latest in a long line of Labour ‘big guns’ to criticise the way the party is being led. The party leader had barely finished his pre-conference speech before former cabinet minister Miliband launched a blistering attack.

“He didn’t even sound as if HE believed what he was saying. Don’t ask me what he LOOKED like – I had my eyes shut at the time, to try and make him seem more real, but it certainly didn’t convince me! The thing is,” he went on “the self-same numpties who drove the economic bus off the cliff road just a few years back are still at the bloody wheel.” Continue reading →

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by | September 21, 2013 · 10:00 am

Ed Miliband to fund benefits rise with Saturday job at Asda

Also willing to collect trolleys if necessary

Also willing to collect trolleys if necessary

Labour has said it will reverse controversial changes to housing benefit if it wins the next election, with the move set to be funded by Ed Miliband taking on a Saturday job working on the checkouts at Asda.

The Labour leader said that the so-called “bedroom tax” was “wrong, iniquitous and not working”, claiming that a commitment to reverse the policy showed that Labour offered a creditable alternative and could make a real difference in government. This comes as great news to fans of unsustainable borrowing. Continue reading →

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by | September 11, 2013 · 7:00 am

No shock as George Osborne admits to spending GDP on Pokémon cards

Pity him, for he knows not what he does

A man so clueless Garbodor and Foongus are his favourites

There was no shock at all today when it was revealed that George Osborne has spent the UK’s GDP on Pokémon cards.

“Oh come on,” said a Treasury insider who gave his name as Cavid Dameron. “Gidders is an absolute duffer. We all knew that he was going to spend it on something ridiculous. My money was on voting for X-Factor contestants. Quite annoying really now I owe Eric Pickles a tenner.” Continue reading →

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by | September 5, 2013 · 8:05 am

Ed Miliband to lose charitable status

Ed

More wasteful than a panda charity.

Ailing opposition leader Ed Miliband has lost his charitable status, according to union leaders.

The GMB’s General Secretary, Paul Kenny, explained that ‘like an elderly aunt who’s riddled with cancer, the time has come to stop throwing money at a lost cause’, before adding ‘we must accept that he isn’t going to get any better’.

Since he was first discovered in 2010, Ed Miliband has absorbed millions of pounds of funding. But experts admit that they’ve found out virtually nothing about him, what he thinks or why his face doesn’t work properly.

Supporters of Miliband insist he’s not going to give in without a fight, and have released a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture to prove he’s on the mend. But some claim the move was a catastrophic ‘own goal’, because the ‘after’ image turned out to be his brother, David.
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by | August 14, 2013 · 7:00 am

Search for Ed Miliband continues

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

The search for Ed Miliband continues amid concerns that Britain may have mislaid not just him but the entire Opposition.

“I heard that they’ve made the cleaners look down the back of all the chairs and sofas in the Houses of Parliament,” said Harold pensioner Ruby Butler as she and her grandson decided to do their bit and look for Miliband in the long-ignored shed at the bottom of her garden. “But all they found was a copy of the New Statesman and half a panini.”

“It is worrying,” said local man Adam Cassidy, preparing yet again to go into the woods in the hope that by leaving out dishes of guacamole and reading aloud from a biography of Ramsay MacDonald he would tempt any Labour politicians who may be hiding in them to break cover. “This country is being buggered senseless by the Coalition, social exclusion is rising, the people who need the most help are getting the least and Ed Miliband and the rest of Labour are nowhere to be seen.” Continue reading →

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by | August 5, 2013 · 10:28 pm

Revealed: Ed Miliband employed on zero hours contract

edinabox

Mr Miliband insists he is a valued member of the team, despite spending 98% of his time in a box.

Following an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Evening Harold has discovered that Labour leader Ed Miliband is employed on a ‘zero hours’ contract.

Despite ostensibly having a proper job that excludes him from claiming benefits, data shows that the MP for Doncaster North has done less than 35 minutes paid work in the last 3 years.

“It’s not ideal, but I have a strong work ethic”, insisted Miliband. “I’m prepared to do what it takes to stay on the job ladder. Obviously, it would be nice to feel wanted and to have something to say, but I must emphasise:  for those 35 minutes, I was fully committed to leading an effective opposition.”
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by | July 9, 2013 · 1:25 pm

Union to disassociate itself from Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

The leader of the Labour party set to disown Ed Miliband

Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite union, will come out today and announce plans to abolish the automatic enrolment of members into the Labour party. Wishing to bring the union back to values of equality and fairness, he believes the automatic affiliation of anyone to Ed Miliband may go against their human rights.

“We know that we had supported Ed Miliband in the past, even helping him win the leadership election despite the fact most people would have preferred his brother” Mr McCluskey told reporters.
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by | April 8, 2013 · 10:00 am

Villagers alarmed by Labour’s silence create their own Opposition

The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?

The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?

Concerned villagers in Harold have erected wax and cardboard images of Ed Miliband to try and create a sense that the UK does have an active Opposition.

‘It’s all IDS this, Osborne that, and Cameron everywhere you look,’ complained Julie Kettle as she tried to clean the cardboard-Miliband outside The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘Where’s the Leader of the Opposition? It’s scary. I feel like we’re living in a one party-state and it’s a crap party without any crisps or jelly. So we’re putting Milibands around the village to make it seem like he’s actually doing something and engaging with real people.’ Continue reading →

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