Won’t resign on a matter of principal
Nicky Morgan, the perpetually terror-struck Education Secretary, says her U-turn on forced academisation “wasn’t so much a turn as a bend.”
“As an MP and a corporate lawyer specialising in acquisitions, my main principles are me and my career. Continue reading
Camerump pool their intellectual resources to no avail
Cameron, who thinks the way to fix a financial system plundered by the elites is to take more money off disabled people, said Trump needed to be sent a message that it was wrong to brag about picking on certain groups and to divide society.
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Hail to the Chiefs?
The United States now has fear as its biggest export as it has given everyone else the both the heebies and the jeebies by voting Donald Trump a clear run to the presidency.
“A lot of people thought we couldn’t vote in anyone more alarming than George W. Bush,” said Corey Lewandowski, the manager of Trump’s presidential campaign. “We gave the free world eight years of its self-proclaimed leader being a half psycho-Christian/half marmoset who just plain ol’ loved giving the order for shit to be blown up. That was scary. Now, with The Donald, we bring you terrifying.” Continue reading
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Mr Green counted his chickens a bit too soon
Speaking from his hospital bed, Mr Green said he was still over the blue moon about Leicester City winning the league, and being hit by lightning and losing £100,000 was just ‘one of those things’, albeit one of those things that occurred twice in a 30 minute spell.
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Ken and newt, in happier days
Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.
Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.
In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.
“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”
“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”
“I’m a newt.”
We’d pay to make it stop
Fears are growing that Tony Blair will do anything for money after if was revealed that he now performs nightly belly-dances for Saudi royalty.
Blair is known to have a wide range of opaque business interests, but it was never suspected just how far the former Prime Minister would go for cash until details of his fleshy writhing leaked out.
The Middle-East envoy role held by Blair included a certain degree of consultation over business affairs, but many are shocked to see him stripping nearly naked and wriggling lasciviously for the pleasure of the Saudi royal family.
A spokesman for Blair admitted that exotic dancing had happened, but denied that it was in any way inappropriate.
“It’s not like he’s advising savage dictators in Kazakhstan,” he pointed out.
“That was last week.”
A typical British high street
Local scientists Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have perfected an equation allowing them to determine that everyone looks shocking compared to the image they see in the mirror. Proving once and for all that while you may leave the house believing you look all Jack the Biscuit you’re actually wandering around with a face like a spare croissant and by appearance alone are more than capable of giving a police horse PTSD. Continue reading
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Filed under Lifestyle
The first rule of the Labour Party is: you do not talk about anything else
Despite being in opposition to a pack of weasels led by a man who’d frack his own grandmother if he thought she was naturally gassy enough to make an (offshore) profit, the Labour party remain unable to look anywhere other than up their own arse.
“It’s very easy to say we’re missing an open goal,” said Jeremy Corbyn. “But the important thing to do is first establish what game we’re playing. I want to be goalie, Hilary Benn insists we’re playing rugby union and Dianne Abbott is wandering around asking everyone why she’s wearing wicket keeping gloves.” Continue reading
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“En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land… oh and Scotland too”
En-Ger-Land, a fantasy theme park which could encompass the entire country by 2020, may undermine prospects for a UK version of ‘Disneyland’ due to open in Kent the following year.
A company spokesperson, Mr Farage, explained how, if the shareholders give the go-ahead on 23rd June, he will start work the next day. “We’ll be rolling out traditional village pubs across the country; with jolly landlords reminiscing about a better time when no one was black or gay Continue reading
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics
Alright, maybe not everyone
As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading
Sadly, they’re all walking past, not going in
Social media and newspaper columns are full of people claiming a profound love for BHS and Austin Reed which in no way extends to actually going to either shop and spending some money.
“BHS? It’s iconic!” enthused local media and trend analyst, Dr Lizzie Philips. “It’s right there in the name, British Home Stores, fantastic! Shopping with your nan, pic ‘n’ mix from Woolies, jumper from C&A, hi-fi from Rumbelows on your Christmas list and then finish off with tea in BHS. Perfect. Have I gone near BHS since I had a choice? Dear god no, it’s not exactly my scene.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy
An astonishing display of self-sacrifice saw a BT worker raise £79,000 for charity after being sponsored to listen to other workmates’ London marathon stories.
Dunstable engineer Stephen Guy said he conceived the audacious plan a year ago after observing fellow workmates losing the will to live as they listened to runners they sponsored recount their marathon at a pace considerably slower than real time. One workmate’s comment ‘I sponsored him 10 quid to run the race but I’d gladly pay 100 quid if he stopped talking about it’ particularly struck a chord.
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Is this some kind of bust?
The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.
Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.
Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.
Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War
What could go wrong?
Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.
This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.
“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”
“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”
Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”
“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”
The safe option?
Following a week in which sensible people everywhere advised Britain not to balls things up by leaving the EU, the leading figures in the “Leave” campaign have insisted that by not changing anything, the country risks a disastrous “leap into the known”.
“No-one can predict what could happen if we leave things exactly as they are,” insisted justice secretary and evil muppet Michael Gove.
“By not changing our entire economic and political system, we have no idea just what the consequences could be.”
“Imagine a world where you woke up and things were exactly like they were this morning, except without me banging on. It’s too scary to contemplate.”
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Filed under EU referendum, idiots, News
Violent, but does a lot of great work for charity
London Marathon organisers were left red-faced today after an escaped gorilla, whom everyone assumed was a runner in fancy dress, went berserk and killed 15 people.
The gorilla, an impressive male silverback named Kumbuka, was the pride of London Zoo’s “Gorilla Kingdom” until an inexperienced keeper forgot to close a security gate.
Kumbuka somehow made his way to Greenwich Park, where thousands of contestants were preparing for the start of the marathon, and inevitable disaster ensued.
“It seems that this magnificent gorilla may have got enraged after stumbling into a huge crowd,” explained Evening Harold sports correspondent Piers Waghorn.
“That, and the fact that someone pinned a great paper number onto his chest.”
In the turmoil that followed, race sponsor Richard Branson had his head ripped clean from his body, but this was soon followed by genuine tragedy after several real people were killed.
Celebrity father David Furnish was among those who narrowly escaped, in a three-man pantomime horse costume, the other occupants of which we are sadly unable to report on.
To make matters worse, police marksmen proceeded to shoot the wrong gorilla with a tranquilliser gun, leading to the near-certain closure of a Dunstable day centre due to lost sponsorship money.
Looking on the bright side, Kumbuka ended up finishing the marathon in a highly respectable time of 3:18:27, shortly after Dame Kelly Holmes, but just seconds in front of the pursuing David Attenborough and his tiring film crew.
For example, don’t do this
After the prosecution of German comedian Jan Boehmermann and the setting up of a hotline in Holland to report insults against him, Europeans are no longer allowed to insult Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Specifically, it is now forbidden to call him any of the following:
Trumpspunket
Lissom-fingered groin grubber Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Massive bell-end
A UKIP supporter has invaded Poland as part of a misguided attempt to campaign against the European Union, it has emerged.
Cab driver Timothy ‘Twatty’ Miller has been slammed for hiring a tank and encroaching into Polish territory, in a mystifying bid to make the point that he was angry about something.
Miller, 99, claimed the invasion is a symbol of “freedom and democracy” and hopes it will encourage floating voters to opt for Brexit in the upcoming EU referendum. No, really.
Police interviewed Mr Miller, pointing out to him that while it was not necessarily illegal to drive a tank, he was nonetheless in grave danger of making himself look like a massive fucking bell-end.
Miller denied he was a fascist, saying: “People want to read that I’m anti-semitic but that is not the truth.”
“The truth is that I’m a massive fucking bell-end.”
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Filed under EU referendum, News, War
FUN
On the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death, the country is grimly preparing for the inevitable bout of having to pretend they have understood, liked or read any of his plays.
Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language, and most people are perfectly happy to accept this fact without having to prove it for themselves.
Every hundred years, unfortunately, the anniversary of the bard’s death comes around, forcing the population to endure an endless barrage of dramatic culture, just when Game of Thrones is starting back up again.
Among the wall-to-wall culture, a live extravaganza is planned from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, featuring the likes of David Tennant, Judi Dench and Bill Oddie.
“Nigel Farage? He was one of the hobbits, right?”
President Obama is believed to be having a nice time in England despite being thrown heaps of shade from a collection of blazers and swivel-eyes who want it to be 1952 again. Even though various Brexiters and kippers have tweeted mean things about him he’s found the strength to carry on with his visit. Continue reading
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