“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”
Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.
“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.
“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading
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The reason why everyone in the UK can count to three in Spanish
Today has gotten off to an efficient and unhappy start as breakfast everywhere was served without incident due to a sudden, sad shortage of little waiters from Barcelona.
Every tray had the right amount of butter and all questions were answered properly and not with a ‘Que?’ and a blank look. There were no mishaps, outbreaks of spoon-based violence and absolutely no moose heads. Continue reading
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Carney struggles to make himself clear to morons
Mark Carney has warned the UK to curb it’s credit card use, because any Brexit windfall will go to the Treasury, not direct to morons.
Borderline simpleton and pub bore, Alec Fairchild, dismissed Carney’s fears, however. “I’d rather take Boris Johnson’s word over that of a Canadian immigrant.”
“And don’t get me started again about the ‘£350 million for the NHS’ on the side of a bus.” he insisted “Us leavers aren’t stupid. We all knew that wasn’t true and Boris has admitted it. But, if the £350 million isn’t going to the NHS … it must be going somewhere else.” Continue reading
Good luck to Philomena finding a moment of wonder in all this
Lugubrious chronicler of the end times, Charlie Brooker, has announced that his yearly review of the news which is normally sixty minutes long will last more than a day in order to cover all the terrible things that have happened and that even with all the extra hours he’ll “have to leave a lot out.” Continue reading
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Point to your right, Iain
Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading
Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover
Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”
Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.
“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading
“this chap sounds like a footballer”
Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.
“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”
“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading
Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?
Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading
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We felt like this by January 2nd and it’s only gotten worse
A leaked document from Buckingham Palace titled “2016: Blow me to Bermuda!” has revealed that the Queen will not be delivering a Christmas message to the country and the Commonwealth this year as 2016 has been “a right old barrel of piss” and that Her Majesty couldn’t put a decent spin on this one even if “we swap the royal Sanatogen for disco biscuits before showtime.” Continue reading
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“Sorry you were out when we called. It’s in the back. Of beyond.”
The RAF will deliver all Harold’s on-line Black Friday orders in one big drop on Monday morning; from 10,000 feet.
Villagers too lazy to go to Dunstable but wanting authentic Black Friday fun will still get the experience by packing into the 5-a-side pitch like sardines, and having a shed-load of multi-coloured tat dropped on their heads.
“We’d hoped to get low level runs along the River Gluggle by the Battle of Britain Memorial flight.” Continue reading
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He’s the hero we deserve
Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”
“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”
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Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!
The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.
Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.
“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics
Long dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.
A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.
Continue reading
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Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge
“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”
Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.
Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading
“a face built for a wicker man”
Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.
The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.
We’re not making this shit up, Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War
Hospital porters are no match for this puppy
Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.
“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”
They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading
Farron briefly wakes up, half way through one of his own speeches
Footage appearing to show a politician nodding off at the controls of a political party is being “urgently investigated”.
The clip, apparently captured on a mobile phone in November, was sent to the Sun ‘newspaper’. It had been recorded about eighteen months from the derailment of his predecessor’s career.
In the 30-second clip, the leader – who is not the other dozy one who was involved in the last electoral disaster – appears to drift in and out of sleep as his party trundles along towards total destruction.
He is seen apparently struggling to remain upright, and members of the public can be heard expressing shock, or asking ‘who the hell is that?’ as the party approaches the awful possibility of a snap 2017 election.
Boris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
Continue reading
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“OMG! Best news evar!”
The oldest and most vulnerable in our society are happy that one of them, an elderly lady known only as Mrs E. Windsor is having her house refurbished at tax payers expense. Continue reading
Claims he’s a doctor but he’s still an illegal alien. No more, let’s take back control
The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.
As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”
“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”
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