Dormant volcanoes urged to ‘make an exception’ for Brian Tamaki

auckland-volcanoLong dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.

A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.

A huge cross-section of New Zealand society have urged the volcanoes to respond in kind.

“I’m not a vindictive person” said Wellington fashion designer James Nicholls, “but if the volcanoes could please consider raining molten lava on Brian and Hannah Tamaki’s brand new Mercedes cars, and also maybe send a sulphuric cloud of gas to turn his face bright yellow, it would be much appreciated.”

“It’s probably too much to ask, but if the cloud of gas also sucked up all the Tamaki’s money and returned it to the parishioners he took it off, I’d die a happy man.”

Hamilton librarian Bree Roberts echoed the sentiments, saying she wouldn’t go as far as wishing Tamaki burned in Hell, but a little localised singeing of his bishopric would be very welcome.

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