He’s fine. Probably just needs a tickle.
With the Royal College of Psychiatrists claiming mental health services are ‘near breaking point’, Care Minister Norman Lamb has insisted that they ‘try and cheer up’.
“The trouble with the bloody psychiatrists is that for them, the glass is always half empty, whereas in reality it’s almost a third full. Well, maybe a quarter. Certainly not very much less than a quarter, that’s for sure. They should just get a grip and snap out of it.”
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From the 2014 ‘Moyes Looking Upset’ calendar
Back-to-back losses in the Premier League, a lacklustre win against travel-weary Ukrainian opponents in the Champions League, closer to the relegation zone than the top of the table – you would think there has never been a better time to hate Manchester United – But that’s the problem, say dedicated Manchester United hater groups, as the internet drowns in amateur Man U mockers quick to join in the sneering season.
“It’s easy to mock them when they’re losing 1-0 at Stoke on a rainy Wednesday night, but where were these Johnny-come-lately misery hunters when Man United were winning everything?” moaned one die-hard hater on The Manchester United Haters Club Facebook page. “They don’t even know the basics like writing ‘ManUre’ in blogs to show you hate them”
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The latest fuss surrounding self-promoting rent-a-gob, Katie Hopkins, suggests that many people in the media and the public in general are still under the misguided impression that her contrived, deliberately controversial opinions are somehow newsworthy.
More than 38,000 people have signed a petition to have Hopkins banned from the media in the wake of her comments about Scotland, completely missing the point that in doing so they are giving her exactly the publicity she craves. Continue reading
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The government is to introduce a new law to cap the growth of evidence supporting a cap on the cost of payday loans.
The Treasury says there is “growing evidence” that “growing evidence in support of the move” might adversely affect the reputations and profits of payday loan companies.
Speaking to the BBC, Chancellor George Osborne said there would be controls on the amount of research into payday loan charges, including arrangement and penalty fees and interest rates.
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Grayling only lies when his fingers are crossed
G4S, ‘the serial offenders co’, has offered to repay the Ministry of Justice £24.1m, after admitting the way it charged for tagging offenders was ‘not appropriate’.
Fortunately for G4S, its internal review found this wasn’t the result of dishonesty. Rather, it had wrongly thought it could claim for tagging people who were dead or in prison. Or both.
“We had a result over Olympic staffing with only 3% of the contract performance related” said a corporate oaf. “Ripping off government is a victimless crime, it’s not like dead prisoners are moaning.”
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Internet giant Google is facing scrutiny after it emerged that in its much-trumpeted crackdown on child porn, it has slipped in curbs on people searching for terms such as “Google tax avoidance” and “corporate responsibility”. Moreover, anyone searching for such terms are being reported to the police as a possible paedophile.
Google’s practice came to light when 8 year old Jason Smith from Harold was using the class computer to research a project on Google.
“The computer was already playing up after Jason clicked on some anti-capitalist websites” said Jason’s teacher Louise Hall. “When he searched for ‘why does Google pay no tax when it earns billions’, the screen went blue and the computer shut down.”
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‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.
A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.
Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.
“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”
Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.
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‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.
A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.
Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.
“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”
Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.
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Unlike all our other pictures, for some reason this one wouldn’t stick to the left
Following on from yesterday’s announcement that the conservative-led Home Office had lost track of two terror suspects, the Labour Party have had to admit they too have lost someone with a proven record of being a danger to national security.
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, also known to his associates as ‘Yo Blair’, has been missing since 31st October when an undercover surveillance team saw him enter a Halloween party dressed in ‘western- style clothes’.
It is thought he gave the team the slip by exiting in a scary and spooky but wholly realistic Margret Thatcher disguise (pictured above).
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OH MY GOD!!
Residents of New Orleans, who are still putting their lives back together eight years on from Hurricane Katrina, have put their own recovery on hold to raise funds for the relief effort after Storm Jude battered parts of the UK.
Concerts have been organised, charity car washes have been set up and fun runs are taking place, all to help get the UK back to normal after the devastation caused over the last day. Funds will be used to replace broken fence panels and roof tiles, and to fly volunteer teams of “Storm survivors” to the UK, who will put their experiences in the wake of Katrina to use in the clean-up effort. Continue reading
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Nasa scientists today confirmed that the Earth stopped turning and orbiting the sun, and life in certain places ceased for a short while. The cause of the event, which goes against many laws of physics, is believe to be a global Facebook issues that saw people unable to update their status.
“We believe this is the first time the earth has completely stopped mid-orbit” Professor Brian Cox said.
“It seems that the inability of humans to share the most mundane of details about their lives and food also has a direct impact on the whether life on earth can function properly.”
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Cold? Frankincense? Brrr.
Britain’s freezing pensioners, children and other humans are putting their Christmas lists together early this year – and there’s just one must-have item on their minds: a lump of coal.
As energy prices soar for the 238th consecutive week, many in the UK have forgotten what it’s like to feel their feet. With many families ripping out their gas pipes, selling them to gypsies and using the proceeds to switch a light on for an hour, the thought of a string of Christmas lanterns is too much to bear.
“Struggling families face a stark choice this year”, explained Harold’s vicar Tansy Forster, “between having something to eat, or switching the heating on. Fortunately, coal can satisfy both of these desires: it’s flammable and not all that undelicious if you use it to make a smoothie. But remember that legally, you mustn’t call it ‘Coke’.”
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In an effort to avoid the type of democracy that throws up a coalition nobody voted for, the three main party leaders and Nick Clegg have agreed to chose the next government through a game of Candy Crush Saga.
The competition, that begun after last week’s Prime Minister’s Question will see the person on the highest level in May 2015 crowned champion of political Candy Crush and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
“Polls can vary in accuracy depending who is asked, current news items and who has kissed the most babies but Facebook apps never lie” David Cameron said.
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After revealing the name and address of a completely innocent man on twitter, EDL leader, Tommy Robinson has taken to the social media site once again to show he is not as thick as the episode made him look.
Robinson was attempting to publish the name and address of the editor of EDL News, an anti-EDL protest group, but instead revealed the details of a man who doesn’t even share the same name.
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With the US government on shutdown and showing no signs opening up for business, the Statue of Liberty has decided to up foundations and return to Europe.
Having achieved dual nationality in 1886, the gift from ‘the people of France’ claims she has not been paid in over a week.
The Statue said: “I find myself having to choose between a country that shuts down because the president threatens to give healthcare to all its citizens and a Europe run by Angela Merkel.
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Live coverage of David Cameron’s conference speech. The Evening Harold brings you the highlights as they happen.
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Move along, nothing to see here
Harold’s Women’s Institute has formally apologised for a misunderstanding which lead to great disappointment for members and potential members alike.
“My apologies to all who came expecting the advertised lecture on dogging at our August meeting.” explained WI Chair Jane Moorhead “It seems that a simple spellchecking and proof reading error had replaced the original ‘dog-walking’”.
“Full marks to our guest speaker Daphne Rogers though, whose inspiring talk on her work with the RNIBin Dunstable did much to dispel the evident frustration of some more vocal members and their, uninvited, husbands.
“Just a few procedural points here for some WI members, who really should know better. Booing is never acceptable, nor is throwing things, particularly at the speaker. Finally, we’re exempt from the Equality Act so husbands or male partners may only attend specific events. No names, no pack drill, Alice.”
Given the level of interest though, Moorhead wants to hear from anyone able to give a talk on dogging. “We’ve slot in October, which may be a better bet than August. The clocks will have gone back by then but the pub car park lighting will probably still be out”.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing? No idea, but I’m looking forward to finding out.”
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Right wing, sexist, homophobic, anti-immigration, bigoted Ukip MEP, Godfrey Bloom, has said he is ‘against racism’ in a confrontation with a journalist who asked why there were no black people on the party conference programme; a question that was met with a slap round the head.
This startling revelation came within minutes of the part-time MEP, part-time Victor Meldrew look-a-like calling a room full of women ‘sluts’.
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A survey by the Office of National Statistics has shown that although the British are notoriously bad in bed, we are the most productive. The survey has shown that there were more births in 2011-2012 than in any other year since 1972 -a vintage year in the baby-making industry that brought us Miranda Hart and Liam Gallagher.
The increase in the birth rate has seen the UK go to number one of EU countries. It is seen as proof that although the French and Italians may be revered for their caring, loving and sensual approach to love making, the traditional British 5-minute-fumble with a stranger is still the most reliable technique for reproduction.
David Cameron has been very quick to jump on this good news story. During a visit with the Mayor of London to a maternity ward, the prime minister told reporters, “This goes to show that despite cuts and austerity, British manufacturing is thriving. This is the most productive this country has been in over 40 years.”
Boris Johnson was also swift to praise the results of the report. When asked if he thought the UK could now retain its place at the top of the baby-making league he said he was “doing his best”.
Not everyone has been so positive though. Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite Union said one good year is not indicative of the industry as a whole. “The human reproduction industry is very similar to coal mining” he told us. “Any positive thoughts are quickly ruined when you lay back and think of Maggie.”
The ONS has used the report to try and rekindle the pride felt in Britain over the year covered. “This recent ‘baby-boom’ has occurred over a time that included the London Olympics” the report said, “which just goes to show, although we weren’t to good in the pool, little British swimmers were still the winners.”
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