Maria Sharapova let out an orgasmic scream of delight on learning her 2 year ban only applied to tennis, and not grunting or screaming.
“EeeeeewwWWWWWHHHHHH” said Sharapova on hearing the news. “WeeeeehaaaaaaawwWWWWWW, uummmppfff.”
One of the top screamers in the world for a number of years, Sharapova expected to be silenced for taking volume enhancing drugs, but incomprehensibly authorities only banned her from hitting furry green balls.
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Hodgson has been practicing this expression for after every match
Roy Hodgson has confirmed the squad of players with whom he will share the blame for another crushing defeat at the national game.
As expected, Wayne Rooney remains as Captain and role model for the younger players “I was an exciting prospect myself ten years ago” said Mr Potato Head “but I learned to cut out the clever stuff and play the traditional England way.” He says the squad have watched Rugby Union videos to help embed the principles of passing backwards. Continue reading
Button and Coulthard in happier times
Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.
“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.
“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”
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She’s got Pedigree, chum.
Serena Williams is under investigation from sporting anti-doping agencies after a random check at the Italian Open.
Williams, who confessed to ‘inadvertently’ consuming dog food before the match, was found by medical staff to have a lovely glossy coat and cold nose after reaching the last eight of the Italian Open.
The world number one tried “a spoonful” of food meant for her dog, Chip, before beating fellow American Christina McHale in straight sets in Rome.
It is believed that doping experts were made suspicious by her uncharacteristically athletic performance in leaping at the net and catching the ball in her mouth, combined with her unusual end-change ritual of cocking her leg and urinating against the umpire’s chair.
Her opponent declined to make an official complaint, but seemed distracted by Williams’ tactic of constantly running round to her side of the court and sniffing her arse.
A spokesperson for the player denied that any performance advantage had resulted from the dog food, saying: “Serena has always been an honest player, not a cheat.”
“She’s a good girl. Who’s a good girl then? Yes you are, yes you are!”
The late John F Kennedy
After castigating Manchester United players for not turning up at least 4 hours before kick-off for the final game at Upton Park, and clearly bringing on themselves an attack on the team bus from the angelic cockneys, West Ham and Ex Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, accompanied by his 18 year old press advisor Krystle, has today been elaborating on his theory of cause and effect.
“It’s common sense, if you turn up early then you avoid any problems. Continue reading
Mr Green counted his chickens a bit too soon
Speaking from his hospital bed, Mr Green said he was still over the blue moon about Leicester City winning the league, and being hit by lightning and losing £100,000 was just ‘one of those things’, albeit one of those things that occurred twice in a 30 minute spell.
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An astonishing display of self-sacrifice saw a BT worker raise £79,000 for charity after being sponsored to listen to other workmates’ London marathon stories.
Dunstable engineer Stephen Guy said he conceived the audacious plan a year ago after observing fellow workmates losing the will to live as they listened to runners they sponsored recount their marathon at a pace considerably slower than real time. One workmate’s comment ‘I sponsored him 10 quid to run the race but I’d gladly pay 100 quid if he stopped talking about it’ particularly struck a chord.
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Violent, but does a lot of great work for charity
London Marathon organisers were left red-faced today after an escaped gorilla, whom everyone assumed was a runner in fancy dress, went berserk and killed 15 people.
The gorilla, an impressive male silverback named Kumbuka, was the pride of London Zoo’s “Gorilla Kingdom” until an inexperienced keeper forgot to close a security gate.
Kumbuka somehow made his way to Greenwich Park, where thousands of contestants were preparing for the start of the marathon, and inevitable disaster ensued.
“It seems that this magnificent gorilla may have got enraged after stumbling into a huge crowd,” explained Evening Harold sports correspondent Piers Waghorn.
“That, and the fact that someone pinned a great paper number onto his chest.”
In the turmoil that followed, race sponsor Richard Branson had his head ripped clean from his body, but this was soon followed by genuine tragedy after several real people were killed.
Celebrity father David Furnish was among those who narrowly escaped, in a three-man pantomime horse costume, the other occupants of which we are sadly unable to report on.
To make matters worse, police marksmen proceeded to shoot the wrong gorilla with a tranquilliser gun, leading to the near-certain closure of a Dunstable day centre due to lost sponsorship money.
Looking on the bright side, Kumbuka ended up finishing the marathon in a highly respectable time of 3:18:27, shortly after Dame Kelly Holmes, but just seconds in front of the pursuing David Attenborough and his tiring film crew.
Waste land may be bought up by NCP.
Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.
“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go. This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”
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All the yellow has been used up by irresponsible lookers
Following in the footsteps of Stoke Gifford Council, which charges runners using parks they’ve already paid for, Harold council has taken the unprecedented step of introducing a charge for looking at their park’s flowers.
“It’s a scientific fact that looking at daffodils uses up some of their yellow.” explained Councillor Ron Ronsson “By the weekend it’s often been used up Continue reading
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Leicester City are poised to secure David Cameron as a fan unless they snap a worrying sequence of victories.
Foxes fans who happily cheered their team on to the verge of the Premier League title are now in a blind panic as they are confronted with the inevitability of David Cameron jumping on the bandwagon.
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The 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.
Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.
To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.
This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.
Fans still hope to discover what leads to boxing injuries
With the welcome news that Nick Blackwell is out of a coma, boxing fans are asking “How on earth did this happen?”
Boxing authorities said the period immediately after Blackwell was pummelled senseless by a barrage of blows to the head, was ‘not the right time’ to investigate the cause of his brain injuries.
The Hard Water Cup.
FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall
Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.
The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.
“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading
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How could the ref miss this handball?
Mr Lawson said he didn’t want to diminish England’s triumph, but by his count the referee and his linesmen missed over 100 handballs, with players often blatantly throwing the ball to each other before finally kicking the ball. Add in the penalties that soared over the crossbar, and it was clear England had the rub of the refereeing green.
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A little tighter, sir?
Nike says its new ‘HyperAdapt sports sneaker’ uses malnourished Asian ragamuffins to tie the shoe laces of clinically obese western-Europeans.
A spokesperson for the famously ethical shoe-maker explained: “Each pair of shoes has its own pair of Vietnamese orphans, velcroed to their superstructure. For the style-conscious wearer, our deluxe range uses matching identical twins.”
Sadly missed…
Following a plea from doctors to ban tackling in school rugby on safety grounds, a group of academics has also called on the government to stop children’s human cannonball lessons.
The pastime, which has a near 100% fatality rate, is very popular among some parents and teachers, who say it builds character and is the only way of getting rid of the little bastards.
Rules vary across different parts of the country, but participants are generally loaded into a large cannon and fired at a tiny net some way away. Ofsted have complained that many schools are missing their targets.
Doctors warn that ‘high-impact’ activities like this can cause injuries including fractures, ligamentous tears and dislocated shoulders, although the main cause of death is usually simple ‘flattening’.
Johnny Angry, a PE teacher and father of nine at St Foolhardy’s School for Boys in the village of Harold – where human cannonball is compulsory from the age of 11 – says it provides a challenge.
Tokyo Sexwale (artist’s impression)
Citizens of the world should ignore their insignificant troubles and rejoice in the fact that there is a man in South Africa called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’, the Evening Harold has learned.
Tokyo Sexwale, the man with the best name in the universe, is the South African candidate in the upcoming FIFA presidential elections.
In case this hasn’t fully sunken in, his name is TOKYO SEXWALE.
SEXWALE…
Tokyo is a mining tycoon and former anti-apartheid campaigner, but these things which would usually be interesting fade into the background next to the fact that his name is ‘Sexwale’.
“His parents, Mr and Mrs Sexwale, are to be greatly applauded for resisting the temptation to name him ‘Brian’,” explained Evening Harold sporting editor Piers Waghorn. “We can only assume they had been reading a lot of Douglas Adams, and the only surprise is that Tokyo’s middle name isn’t ‘Vroomfondel’.”
Charitable people have suggested that the ‘Tokyo’ is merely an attempt by the parents to distract people who meet their son from noticing his surname, but this theory fails to account for the frankly massive cojones of the Sexwales, who clearly didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.
FIFA voters have admitted that they aren’t actually all that bothered about the corruption thing any more, provided they can have a ‘Tokyo Sexwale’ T-shirt.
Realising too late that an outrageous name was a sure way to be voted FIFA president, one of the other candidates has decided to be called “Jerome Champagne”, but this potentially interesting name is nothing when placed alongside the mighty Tokyo Vroonfondel Sexwale.
“…we’ll still be holding up our punters by their ankles, to shake out any loose change”
Ladbrokes, one of the the high street’s leading money-hoovering bastards, have posted their worst ever losses, to the delight of the nation’s gambling addicts.
Outgoing CEO, Richard Glynn, explained his simple recovery plan, which will leave his successor in a sound position; guaranteed mate, can’t fail. “Step one, we’ve a £10m accumulator with Betfred, for the first five races at Kempton Park on Saturday. That’s a dead cert so we’ll be well ahead by tea-time”.
“If that doesn’t work and we’ve no reason to think it won’t, step two means staking all February’s takings on Jeb Bush winning Continue reading
Prepared for what?
“We are serious about a May Axit from the EPL unless we get an improved deal from the other teams. We’re not talking one goal here, or two goals there, we need our opponents to concede at least 6 or 7 goals per game for us to remain competitive” said Mr Hollis.
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