Category Archives: Politics

by | November 8, 2017 · 1:54 pm

As Cabinet haemorrhages continue, Larry the Downing Street cat put on standby

Larry is expected to jump at the chance

With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.

The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”

“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading →

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by | October 30, 2017 · 7:15 am

Nuclear control ‘far safer with coke-snorters than Donald Trump’

UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.

A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.

“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Continue reading →

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by | October 25, 2017 · 10:00 am

Tory whip writes to home-schooling parents about their Brexit lesson plans

Chris managed to beat off rivals to secure a post with the family firm.

Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.

“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”

The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2017 · 1:45 pm

A good hard brexit is still the number one right-wing fantasy

They’ll thank me later. They always do.

Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.

With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading →

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by | October 18, 2017 · 1:44 pm

David Gauke drops DWP helpline charge after being found out

“I’m sorry we got found out.” He looks a bit Nixony to us

Grey man in a grey suit, David Gauke, says once negative publicity reached ‘critical’, he decided to stop charging benefit claimants 55p a minute for DWP helplines.

“We’re listening and we care,” said DWP minister Gauke, supressing a snigger. “care about being found out, that is. Now we’ll go back to the drawing board and find other, less obvious ways of punishing people for claiming benefits.”

“It can’t be that hard. Iain Duncan Smith ran the DWP for years and he needs both hands to find his arse Continue reading →

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by | · 1:51 am

Universal Credit: Cabinet “a bit moist” over voting one million children into poverty

Combined wealth: tens of millions. Combined empathy: zero

A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness. Continue reading →

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by | September 30, 2017 · 8:31 am

New UKIP leader vows to stay on until Christmas, “with a little bit of luck”

Phew, Bolton remembers to use his left arm when saluting the troops

Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.

He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.

What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading →

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by | September 29, 2017 · 7:00 am

Labour vote to ‘bring back hanging baskets’

Hang ’em high.

The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.

Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.

The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.

“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Labour, Politics

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by | September 26, 2017 · 1:20 am

Can only cheer and clap: scientists create ideal party conference attendee

Happy happy joy joy

As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.

“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.

The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.

“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”

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by | September 20, 2017 · 11:53 am

After Rio Ferdinand, clamour grows for Michael Gove to take up boxing

Come on, we’d all pay to see that

As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.

“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”

With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading →

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by | September 19, 2017 · 8:34 am

Jeremy Hunt “still not dead”

He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge

Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.

“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”

Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading →

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by | September 14, 2017 · 3:40 pm

May: compared to £1.5bn DUP bribe, £140m for a general election “a bargain”

20,000 homes or another period in office? Tough call

Responding to critics who claim the election costs could have funded 4000 teachers, Theresa May says £140m was “chicken feed”, compared to £1.5bn handed to people less welcome on your doorstep than Jehovah’s Witnesses, Continue reading →

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by | September 12, 2017 · 9:00 am

Caribbean braced for more shit flying through the air as Boris plans to jet in

Another day, another flying stunt

With Boris Johnson due to visit later this week, Caribbean people are facing their sternest test to date.

Battered and bruised almost beyond recognition yet somehow still the Foreign Secretary, Johnson hopes UK foreign aid money might help restore his reputation to its Continue reading →

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by | September 6, 2017 · 12:10 pm

Jacob Rees-Mogg “still right about everything”: this week, abortion.

Jacob Rees-Mogg likes to have a firm grip on the pulse of the nation

“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”

Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading →

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by | September 2, 2017 · 7:00 am

Liam Fox: “EU mustn’t blackmail UK” (he himself has never been blackmailed)

“Does my head look big in this studio? And it’s Doctor Fox to you, you BBC bastards.”

Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.

In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading →

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by | August 4, 2017 · 12:01 pm

Puzzled Jeremy Hunt: asks suicide risk case Judge, “‘what are shame and embarrassment?”

“Shame? Nope, I’ve got no idea.”

Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.

“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading →

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by | July 30, 2017 · 10:36 am

Brexiters advised to hold referendum if unhappy with Brexit talks outcome

Look, the answer is as plain as this £350m gold brick I’m holding

Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.

Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.

“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading →

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by | July 15, 2017 · 11:24 am

May welcomes reduction in JAMs & increase in No Longer Managings

almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on

The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.

“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.

“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading →

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by | July 13, 2017 · 2:01 pm

May shocked by GE result. “Activists I spoke to all promised to vote Tory”

As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera

Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.

Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading →

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by | · 6:39 am

Desperate PM to try turning Tories off and on again

Strong and stable or don’t you think she looks tired?

Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading →

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