Category Archives: Fashion

by | December 1, 2013 · 11:00 am

Osborne to make Autumn Statement in stunning georgette dress

catwalk

It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.

The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced.  “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement  the full son-et-lumiere makeover.  I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.”  The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading →

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by | September 16, 2013 · 11:00 am

Councillor calls for ‘beard ban’ debate

beard

Fun or mentalist?

The council should consider banning young men from wearing beards in public places such as schools, a local councillor has said.

It comes after a sensitive child was alarmed by a particularly bushy farmer, while out walking with the traditional ‘potato’.

Cllr Ron Ronsson suggested action might be needed to protect the freedom of choice for Harold boys, too young to decide for themselves whether they wanted to ‘grow the veil’.

“I think this is a good topic for debate”, said Ronsson, speaking out of his smooth face. “Although we won’t be able to hear what the beardies think because they all mumble.”
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by | September 12, 2013 · 11:00 am

Sonning Bridge post box to be converted into flats

postbox

Chance to buy recently spoiled piece of history

A post box that appeared on a bridge across the Thames has been sold off to developers for £650k. With river views, a traditional design and easy access to the road just above it, the post box conversion is already the subject of a bidding war.

“When we first saw that there was a piece of social history in Sonning that hadn’t been despoiled yet, we just had to get our cheque book out”, exclaimed builder Jeremy Castle.

“It’s just the sort of impractical, showy design that a twat from London will pay big money for”, explained Castle. “There’s even plenty of space to park a Range Rover, if you gain access through the sunroof and remember to never open the doors.”
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by | July 29, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Top Gear under fire for faking Richard Hammond’s personality

richard-hammond

Presenter ‘basically a sausage and cardboard’

The BBC has again been forced to apologise for Top Gear, after it was revealed that Richard Hammond’s personality had been faked.

Hammond, a 4’9″ pile of crudely moulded spam, has been used by the show regularly to make up the number of oafs. But audiences weren’t explicitly told that he was a shaped heap of minced cheap cuts, a situation the BBC admitted was ‘regrettable’.

“When we agreed to Clarkson’s demands for a meat-based dwarf gollum, we didn’t think anyone would take it too seriously”, insisted BBC Apologizer Quentin Sharpes. “It’s pretty obvious it’s just made from hair gel and the eyes of a Slow Loris, topped off with a massively oversized watch.”
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by | June 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm

BBC apologises for breasts

holly

Hello, what are these, then?

The BBC has apologised after inadvertently revealing to viewers of The Voice that there is an above-waist difference between men and women.

More than 1000 rabid drooling people smelling of urine phoned the corporation after Saturday night’s live final on BBC One to complain that presenter Holly Willoughby’s low-cut dress clearly showed that women have ‘upper body curvy places which might very well have nipples attached’.

The dress in question, a black lace affair, apparently revealed some five square inches of chesty skin, which caused a bespectacled man in Altrincham to spontaneously ejaculate in anger.

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by | May 26, 2013 · 11:30 am

Local Teen wins Wet T-shirt Contest

Katherine's winning T-shirt

Katherine’s winning T-shirt

Harold teenager Katherine Hallet, 16, took home the top prize at the Dunstable wet T-shirt competition this weekend, beating out competitors in a very strong field, which included professionals from throughout the region.

Katherine’s T-shirt, featuring a Sponge-Bob Square Pants design, had been soaked overnight in brine, before being presented in a Tesco bag-for-life. Judges praised the Katherine for the nod to sustainability in her choice of bag, and made special mention of the sheer volume of moisture the shirt had absorbed.

Second prize went to octogenarian Ruby Butler for her cider and urine saturated M&S pure cotton scoop-necked indigo T-shirt, while third place went to Harold Thursday star striker Luis Nutter, for his sweat and rain soaked white Nike tee that he had left in his locker since his ban for a minor cannibalism incident began last month. Continue reading →

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by | May 21, 2013 · 11:00 am

Feature: Six weeks to the perfect beach body

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Throw away those razors, girls.

Harold’s own movie star, former Bond-girl Emilie Bourdain, has come out of semi-retirement to offer women a guide to the perfect beach body. A topic she knows all about having rocketed to fame as Claire Medea in the Bond film More Deadly Than The Male which starred Roger Moore as James Bond and saw them light up the screen together in the now iconic ‘naughty hazelnut’ scene which was filmed on Crescent Head beach, New South Wales, and resulted in Emilie Bourdain winning Pipe Smoker of the Year 1975. Continue reading →

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by | May 20, 2013 · 7:30 am

Politicians raise concerns over ‘Google Underpants’ privacy

google_ass

Say “Cheese”!

US politicians are urgently seeking assurances from Google that its new ‘smart underpants’ will respect personal privacy. The underpants, codenamed “Google Ass”, appear similar to traditional underwear, but contain a ‘heads-up’ display with camera and microphone, which sit snugly on the wearer’s right testicle (most users are believed to be male).

A letter signed by members of the Congressional privacy caucus has been sent to Google posing several questions about the data the gadget will collect from users, and concerns were also raised about the privacy implications of having a camera strapped permanently to one’s cock. The caucus has quizzed many tech companies in the past on what they do with the information they gather from users’ genitals, and famously reprimanded Sony for not making it clear to customers that the new “Buttman” music player included DRM which meant once inserted, it could only be removed in-store, causing much embarrassment to shoppers.
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