Author Archives: yikes28

by | November 10, 2015 · 9:55 am

Corbyn fails to bayonet Hun in Remembrance Day snub, says Sun

"Gott in Himmel - es ist Jeremy Corbyn"

“Gott in Himmel – es ist Jeremy Corbyn”

The Sun says Jeremy Corbyn has snubbed war veterans by not bayoneting any Germans on Remembrance Day.

In a small backtrack from yesterday, Sun editor Tony Gallagher conceded Mr Corbyn may have done a small nod as he laid a wreath at the Cenotaph, but said it was ‘too little, too late’ and Corbyn should have given the Hun a taste of cold, hard steel.

“We all know Corbyn is anti-war, but is it really too much to ask him to attach a bayonet to a Lee-Enfield rifle and slice through a few German tourists when it would mean so much for the veterans and their families?” said Gallagher.
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by | October 27, 2015 · 5:00 am

Cameron relieved cancer risk is only if pig enters your mouth

cameron pigDavid Cameron is very relieved that an increased risk of cancer is only if you put pig in your mouth, not the other way round.

“I checked with the World Health Organisation and they said you won’t get cancer if you put part of you in the pig’s mouth, you have to put pig in your own mouth” said Cameron.

“I was quite relieved, because many years ago I came across a pig that seemed to be choking to death on an apple. The apple was jammed in the poor pig’s mouth, I couldn’t get purchase with my hands, so I just … improvised” explained Cameron.
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by | October 25, 2015 · 9:04 am

Bellend can’t stop talking about extra hour in bed

An extra hour in bed

An extra hour in bed

A local bellend has spent most of the morning saying he is enjoying his extra hour in bed, even though the only thing he has done with the extra hour in bed is tell people on Facebook he is enjoying the extra hour in bed.

“The end of daylight saving time means the clocks ‘fall back’, and 7am actually feels like 8am” Dunstable man Nigel West explained to his 87 Facebook friends at 7.03am.
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by | October 24, 2015 · 8:00 am

Obesity crackdown sees pensioner arrested and sugar with street value of 99p seized

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Harold pensioner Elsie Duggan was arrested on charges of possession with intent to supply after being found with a bag of sugar with a street value of 99p.

Police say Miss Duggan, 86, said the sugar was for her own use explaining that she’d always had a sweet tooth, but inquiries soon revealed she was a pusher.
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by | October 22, 2015 · 10:41 am

New UK nuclear power plant named ‘Chinobyl’

ChinobylA public vote on the name for the new Chinese funded nuclear power plant at Hinkley Point, Somerset has resulted in ‘Chinobyl’ being chosen.

Red-faced officials said they thought locals naming the nuclear power plant would help the controversial project gain acceptance, and they expected something like ‘Hinkley Point power plant’ or ‘Xi Jinping power plant’ to be chosen.
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by | October 19, 2015 · 8:48 am

Scots blame loss on ref failing to spot William Webb Ellis handball in 1823

Australia ScotlandScotland would not have suffered a heart breaking Rugby World Cup loss to Australia if the referee at Rugby School in 1823 had spotted an obvious handball by William Webb Ellis, according to Scottish rugby great Gavin Hastings.

“The ref should have noticed something as blatant as Webb Ellis picking up the football and running with it. If he’d spotted it, he would have given Webb Ellis his marching orders, and rugby would never have been invented” fumed Hastings.
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by | October 18, 2015 · 10:08 am

Jeremy Cunt tells prudes ‘stop calling me Hunt’

It's 'Cunt' with a 'C' not an 'H'

It’s ‘Cunt’ with a ‘C’ not an ‘H’

Jeremy Cunt says he is sick and tired of immature prudes pretending his last name is ‘Hunt’.

“My last name is ‘Cunt’ and I have always been a ‘Cunt’” said Jeremy Cunt. “To call me ‘Hunt’ is disrespectful to me and it’s disrespectful to my parents Mike and Lyke.”

Mr Cunt said it was the 21st century and just because ‘cunt’ was slang for a vagina and also a strong term of abuse were no reasons for people to shy away from calling him ‘Cunt’.
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by | October 15, 2015 · 11:20 am

VW chairman repairs environmental damage by hanging up hotel towel

bearThe environmental damage wrought by the diesel emissions cheating scandal has been rectified by the hanging up of a hotel towel, according to VW chairman Hans Dieter Poetsch.

“I thought of the environment and hung up the towel” beamed Poetsch.

“As soon as I put the towel on the rack, I could sense all those emissions vanishing into thin air. I felt the melting iceberg refreeze, and tears welled up in my eyes as I realised that starving polar bear would see his family again.”
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by | October 6, 2015 · 11:00 am

Starbucks kicking itself after incurring 5p plastic bag tax

StarbucksStarbucks executives are furious after an incautious purchase of a plastic bag resulted in the multinational making its first ever contribution to the UK Exchequer.

“5p doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a matter of principle” said Starbucks UK head Mark Fox.
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by | October 1, 2015 · 9:05 pm

US mass shooting at [add place]

[add photo from scene]

[add photo from scene]

A gunman has shot numerous people at a US [college / school / church / other].

Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded at [add place].

Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself].
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by | September 30, 2015 · 11:00 am

Typing error means All Blacks will perform pre-game haiku

"What were the words again?"

“What were the words again?”

An error in the promotional materials means the All Blacks will have to perform a haiku before each of their remaining matches in the Rugby World Cup.

Cup organisers apologised for the mix-up, but said consumer protection rules meant their hands were tied – if the advertisements promised an All Blacks pre-game haiku, a pre-game haiku needed to be delivered.
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by | September 18, 2015 · 9:36 am

How to have hair like Kate Middleton

Kate's hair stylishly located on her head

Kate’s hair stylishly located on her head

Kate Middleton has hair, and you can too!

Kate’s hair is, in the classical tradition, stylishly located on her head.

The secret to having hair like Kate is to make sure you have hair on your head too. Simply look in a mirror at eye level, look up a bit, and if you see hair, you are in luck!

Don’t have a mirror? No problem! Put your finger between your eyes, raise it up a few inches, and if you feel something stringy, you have hair like Kate! If you feel something stringy, and then something scalpy, you have hair like William, ha, ha, ha!
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by | September 7, 2015 · 11:15 am

Bono calls for system where citizens contribute money into central government pot to fund refugees

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Many more Syrian refugees could be rehomed if Western governments introduced a system where citizens were forced to pay a portion of their income into a nationally administered central pot, according to Irish singer, activist, and thinker Bono.

“Refugees, hospitals, and schools, you name it, we could pay for it all if only the UK and other Western governments introduced a compulsory system to take money from its people” said Bono smugly.
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by | September 1, 2015 · 1:00 pm

Waitrose introduces artisan traffic wardens

carpark waitroseWaitrose have added a level of sophistication to parking enforcement with the introduction of artisan traffic wardens.

Waitrose spokesman Clive Edmonds says its artisan traffic wardens will issue bespoke parking tickets catering both to people new to parking infringing and also to the serious connoisseur of overstaying.

“Our artisans will hand craft parking tickets in silver-rich pewter, individually forged according to a centuries-old formula, and then put them on customer’s windscreens when they are one minute late” said Edmonds.
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by | August 30, 2015 · 9:30 am

Man’s ‘great night out’ claim scuppered by failure to buy 3am kebab

kebab shopA local man’s claim to have had a ‘great night out’ was scuppered after it emerged there was no photographic evidence of him waking up with a half-eaten 3am kebab on his face.

Jason Mills shared numerous photos of his night out on Facebook, from a big session at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms to a vomit-covered selfie from a Dunstable nightclub disabled toilet. But his morning after euphoria soon evaporated when his brother posted ‘where’s the kebab?’
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by | August 24, 2015 · 1:06 pm

Gwyneth Paltrow finishes Oscar acceptance speech

Gwyneth 16 years, 5 months, and three days after being presented a best actress Oscar for ‘Shakespeare in Love’, Gwyneth Paltrow finally finished her acceptance speech.

The emotional speech started at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion on 21 March 1999 as Paltrow tearfully thanked a number of her fellow actresses, movie industry figures, and family members both living and dead.

As Gwyneth was led off the stage, she mumbled, “and my fans, I’d like to thank my fans” as she proceeded to thank all her fans individually by name, before moving onto individually thanking her fan’s friends and family.
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by | August 18, 2015 · 10:46 am

Jeremy Corbyn launches scathing attack on Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn 'refuses to serve' under Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn ‘refuses to serve’ under Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn has joined the long list of prominent politicians and commentators attacking the leadership credentials of Jeremy Corbyn.

“Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t understand big business” said Jeremy Corbyn. “He has no clue how the likes of Amazon, Google, Starbucks can make super profits but pay no tax. He doesn’t get why zero hours contracts and the stripping away of people’s self worth are necessary to make the economy function.”
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by | August 16, 2015 · 11:04 am

Most young people will never be able to afford a tub of cinema popcorn

Just a dream for most young people

Just a dream for most young people

Soaring prices now make it practically impossible for young people to get on the cinema popcorn ladder, say economists.

A Dunstable University study says cinema popcorn is now so expensive, the only young people who can afford a tub are those whose parents help with the deposit, or those who live near unfashionable rundown cinemas.

“It is a ticking time bomb – young people know baby boomers owned their first tub of cinema popcorn in their late teens. They see the older generation having 3 or 4 tubs of popcorn each time they go the movies, when all they can hope for is crumbs. They see the super-sized drinks, the ostentatious purchase of chocolate buttons” said Professor Brian Rodgers.
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by | August 15, 2015 · 12:30 pm

Companies clamour to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products

Blair moneyAfter two spectacular interventions into the Labour leadership race caused Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity to soar, companies are falling over themselves to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products.

Coca-Cola have been battling concerns its products are unhealthy, but as soon as foreign dictator consultant Blair described Coke as a ‘1980s throwback sugar-laden pile of piss’, sales exploded. Likewise, McDonald’s had queues stretching out the door after the monger of wars said its food was ‘plastic, inauthentic, and caused face cancer’. Banks lined up to have Blair call them ‘greedy, heartless, blood-sucking leeches on society’.
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by | · 10:00 am

MacGyver to teach US cops how not to shoot blacks

Paper clips to become standard issue to US cops

Paper clips to become standard issue to US cops

US cops who feel threatened by unarmed black men minding their own business will be taught to respond with chewing gum wrappers, a paperclip, and string rather than the more traditional ‘shooting in the back’ method, in courses featuring MacGyver star Richard Dean Anderson.

As well as showing US cops how to improvise with a Swiss army knife and everyday objects, not shooting blacks expert MacGyver will also explain sophisticated techniques such as ‘not overreacting’ and ‘turning the other check’.
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