Author Archives: Max C-F

by | October 19, 2013 · 10:00 am

Village mishears health secretary and adopts elderly Asians

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Mrs Yamada smiling the smile of someone who’s embraced enough British culture to be on the way to the pub of an afternoon.

Villagers in Harold today realised that they misheard Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s edict that families should be like Asians and adopt elderly relatives and are now wondering what to do with all the elderly Asians they’ve opened their homes to.

“I did think it was a weird idea,’ said mum-of-two Carly Jeffery. ‘But then when Mr Rhyming-Slang explained that the elderly Asians were all lonely and marginalised and that, it only seemed right to help out. So I found Shoji on Facebook and offered him our spare room. He’s ninety-three and insists on doing all the cleaning. Bonus. Do I have to send him back now?” Continue reading →

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by | October 18, 2013 · 7:10 pm

EH advises Noel Gallagher: don’t look at paperbacks in anger

Noel-Gallagher

“I only read factual books. I can’t think of … I mean, novels are just a waste of fucking time.”

He’s got a point. Novels are hard to rip-off too. Unlike Beatles songs, eh Noel?

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by | October 16, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Daily Express desperate for no news of Madeleine McCann

The Daily Express editorial team

The Daily Express editorial team

As following a Crimewatch appeal police detectives work towards hopefully making a major breakthrough in the Madeleine McCann disappearance case a British tabloid has spoken of its longing for the search for the missing nine year old to continue indefinitely.

“We are absolutely desperate for no news,” said Daily Express insider Nicola Simmonds. “We put something about Madeleine McCann on the front page every day. If the case concludes we’ll be buggered.” Continue reading →

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by | October 15, 2013 · 2:21 pm

Badgers laugh their stripes off over false widow spider

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This one’s laughed so hard it’s fallen over

Badgers across the UK are currently laughing themselves moist over the panic about false widow spiders.

“It’s hilarious. The government made out that we were public enemy number one,” said Harold badger Manky Kevin. “Now you humans think a spider nip can make your cock drop off you’re not so worried about us possibly giving a few cows a bit of a cold, are you?” Continue reading →

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by | October 13, 2013 · 10:00 am

HMS Prince of Wales: calls for new aircraft carrier to be given a well-hard name instead

Wouldn't evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Danny Dyer?

Wouldn’t evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Phil Mitchell?

In an exclusive interview Admiral Michael Dearlove told the Evening Harold that the name of one of the Royal Navy’s two new aircraft carriers is having a detrimental effect on morale.

“The first ship is called HMS Queen Elizabeth,” he said. “Now no one has any problems with that. Her Majesty was quite a fox in her day and served in the British Army during the Second World War even now I think it’s fair to say that she often has a look in her eye which tells you that in a fight she’d wouldn’t mess around and would go straight for the eyes and the balls.” Continue reading →

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by | October 12, 2013 · 10:00 am

Cabinet reshuffle: Scrooge says first week in charge of DWP not entirely humbug

Patrick Stewart Scrooge

Is it just us or does Scrooge look a lot like Patrick Stewart?

The newly appointed Secretary of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has reported that his first few days in office have been productive and struck a cautiously optimistic note by declaring them not ‘entirely humbug’.

“Stepping to Iain Duncan’s Smith’s shoes after the Cabinet reshuffle was never going to be easy,” ex-city financier Ebenzer Scrooge told us. “According to this government’s own figures since he took the reins statutory homelessness has risen by 34% and the Samaritans have reported a significant rise in suicides which are now at their highest peak this century. Sterling work but I’m hoping that my new reforms will top that.” Continue reading →

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by | October 10, 2013 · 9:40 am

Corky O’Reilly it’s World Mental Health Day

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You don’t have to be mad to live here but it helps.

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by | October 8, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Situations Vacant: Leader of English Defence League

If you are so confused by this you literally stop breathing then you could be the man for us.

If you are so confused by this you literally stop breathing then you could be the man for us.

Due to unforeseen circumstances we at the EDL are urgently seeking a new leader.

Please get someone to read the following criteria to you carefully before deciding if you would be a good fit for the EDL. Godfrey Bloom need not apply.

Continue reading →

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by | October 4, 2013 · 12:52 pm

Daily Mail denies Miliband attack motivated by anti-semitism

Capture Of course that was a long time ago and to imply that this reflects the current practice and outlook of the Daily Mail would be as mad as holding a son to account for his father’s views.

 

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by | October 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Xbox One will not play games says Microsoft

Less fun than a Spectrum 48k

Less fun than a Spectrum 48k

Following its disastrous launch earlier in the year when fans were up in arms over the fact that the new Xbox would have to be always connected to the Internet, then the further revelation that it was not designed to support vertical orientation, Microsoft have finally admitted that their newest toy won’t actually play games either.

“We worked hard to give our customers the best experience with this next generation console,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dale Tice. “But at the end of the day the technology just isn’t in place for us deliver and so with a heavy heart we’re taking the gaming component out of the Xbox One.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Tories announce everyone under-25 to work in a job centre

Bringing back Mr Pastry: a key Tory policy designed to please the party faithful

Bringing back Mr Pastry: a key Tory policy designed to please the party faithful

As the Tory Party conference in Manchester lurched towards a conclusion David Cameron took to the stage to announce plans for every under twenty-five year old not in education, training or employment to work in a job centre.

“We are making it impossible for young people to claim benefits,” the Prime Minister said. “Our message to those without jobs is get a job. Yes, it’s that easy because this scheme combined with Osborne’s one that jobseekers will have to attend the job centre every day means that we now need hundred of thousands more job centre workers to administrate this mess. I mean forward thinking policy that will put the UK way out in front in the global race.” Continue reading →

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by | October 2, 2013 · 7:00 am

Editor of Daily Mail’s father buggered the Queen’s swans

How?

Why is too complicated a question. We just want to know how.

It is a story that should disturb everyone who loves this country for the Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that Peter Dacre the journalist whose son Paul now edits the Daily Mail buggered Her Majesty’s swans on several occasions and then blamed what we would today call asylum seekers for the Queen’s feathery subject’s distress.

Peter Dacre was extremely fond of nipping along to a quiet stretch of the Thames near Runnymede where he could get down to some serious man et swan action without fear of being interrupted. There are locals living there now who can still recall hearing cries of ‘How’s that for a Magna Carta?” echoing out from the reeds and remember being terribly afraid of what effect this would have on the value of their houses. Continue reading →

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by | October 1, 2013 · 7:00 am

Entire village adopts niqab and declares it to be lovely

niqab

Teenage lads lurking on the recreation ground: much less scary than when in hoodies and baseball caps.

Under ancient village law a proposal to ban wearing the niqab within the boundaries of Harold resulted in everyone wearing one.

“A couple recently moved to the village and in a first for this community she wears the niqab,” explained Councillor Nina O’Neill. “Unfortunately someone made a complaint to the council so we invoked Suck it and See a fourteenth century bylaw that states that for a week villagers have to engage in the activity being complained about in order to create an informed opinion.” Continue reading →

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by | September 30, 2013 · 11:00 am

Chancellor announces long-term unemployed to be herded into camps

Osborne crosses his fingers for luck as he announces his Big Idea.

Osborne crosses his fingers for luck as he announces his Big Idea.

Chancellor George Osborne today used his speech at the Tory Party conference to announce a new policy in which the long-term unemployed will be herded into camps and rendered what he calls ‘statistically invisible’.

“There are 200,000 long-term unemployed in this country,” he said. “I’m going to end this something for nothing culture, prise them away from their cigarettes, their massive televisions and their X-boxes and send them somewhere where they won’t keep buggering up my figures on economic recovery.” Continue reading →

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by | September 28, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Delegates descend on Manchester for Tory Party conference

Imagine the mess the city will be in twenty-eight days later.

Imagine the mess the city will be in twenty-eight days later.

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by | September 26, 2013 · 8:16 am

Couple take attempt to avoid Breaking Bad spoilers a bit far

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We understand. If anyone ruins it for us we will cut them.

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by | September 24, 2013 · 11:00 am

‘Being black’s holding me back’ says one of the richest self-made men in the world

This isn't photoshop. This is thing that happened.

What if it’s not racism? What if he’s just an arse?

Sometime rapper and full-time egomaniac Kanye West has claimed in an interview for BBC Radio One that being black is holding him back despite being a self-made man worth an estimated £100m, with yearly earnings of £20m and music sales that have seen him become the sixth best-selling solo artist of all time.

West’s snit was prompted by the fact that he feels disrespected as a designer of trainers and his being told by one designer at Paris Fashion Week that if wanted to attend their show he shouldn’t attend others. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead

Michael-Gove-looking-odd

Predator: do not let this man near your children

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.

“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading →

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by | September 23, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Village divided over kitten antics

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Cute or extreme threat to village safety?

Mister Super Paws the kitten who spends his days being adorable in the window of Lacrymans & Co estate agents on the High Street has divided the village of Harold with his adorable antics.

“Thing is,” said Doris Kettle. “It’s obvious that Mister Super Paws loves playing with his rainbow coloured fish toy the most and anyone who says that that’s not true and he prefers his pink ball with a bell in it is a heretic.” Continue reading →

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by | September 22, 2013 · 10:00 am

Trollitician: Ukip’s Godfrey Bloom reveals ‘I’m a socialist spy’

Bloom before going deep cover as a ruddy-faced bigot

Bloom before going deep cover as a ruddy-faced bigot

Evening Harold exclusive interview:

Godfrey Bloom splashes in puddles. As we walk to Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! for a brunch of vegan bacon and eggs washed down with foamy glasses of milkless milk, the now ex-senior Ukip politician cannot conceal his delight at being free of the boorish identity he had to assume to fulfil that role and so splashes his Birkenstocks happily in the puddles on the High Street, his kaftan flapping in the breeze.

“It was hell,” Bloom says of his former life once we’re settled in a cosy booth and he’s removed his crochet beanie lamenting over the amount of time it’s going to take for his hair to grow long again, “but worth it. My mission was to penetrate Ukip and troll it by hogging the headlines and when on Friday Nigel Farage said ‘increasingly, over past months his statements have left us in a position where, frankly, what we stand for and what we campaign for are irrelevant,’ my work was done.”

Continue reading →

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