Author Archives: Max C-F

by | November 18, 2015 · 7:00 am

Calls for Europe’s borders to be closed as Australia joins Eurovision 2016

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Sod off, Australia. Ain’t no wombats in the European Union flag.

Europe’s leaders are coming under intense pressure to close the borders now that Australia has infiltrated the Eurovision Song Contest for the second year running.

“This is beyond a joke,” said villager and seasoned Eurovision viewer Jane Hough. “When will the Eurovision powers that be realise that the majority of people don’t support their policy of letting anyone in? Australia is not compatible with Europe and especially not with the UK. They have endless sun and great sports teams, we have endless Katie Price and oh my god what happened during the rugby world cup?” Continue reading →

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by | November 17, 2015 · 11:00 am

People who now want all religion banned still expecting Christmas presents

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Grrr…Sky Fairy…Brain washed….opium of the masses…where’s my Chrissie Pressie?

As social media continues to be dominated by varying opinions on religion many of which only make readers wonder if the person posting them ever even went to school, it has emerged that those now calling for all religion to be banned or dismissing it out of hand as childish nonsense are still expecting lots of lovely gifts on 25th December.

“When I tweeted that religion is more harmful to humans than arsenic and should be treated accordingly I wasn’t talking about Christmas,” said village keyboard warrior Ros Shaw. “I love Christmas! I mean I totally believe that no religion has ever done anything good and that they’re all death cults which only appeal to the feeble minded but I’m so looking forward to putting up the deccies and having a really good time. I love the carols best, O Little Town of Bethlehem always gives me the shivers. It’s so beautiful.” Continue reading →

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by | November 13, 2015 · 7:00 am

Misanthropists brace themselves for Children in Need

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Yay! A day of rigidly organised fun!

Today workers all over Harold are getting ready to be surrounded by craaazy colleagues wearing badly thought out fancy dress and selling each other horrible cupcakes in aid of Children in Need.

“It’s the worst day of the year,” said advertising executive, Meya Begum. “I resent being made to feel like a pariah for not finding enforced jollity utterly thrilling. I hate Children in Need. And I also hate children in need. They just dress so badly.” Continue reading →

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by | November 11, 2015 · 11:02 am

Mawkish opening ceremonies ahoy: London Olympics to be held again without Russia to make it fair

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He’ll just carry on for the new closing ceremony. He’s still doing the chorus to Hey Jude from last time

In a surprising move the International Olympic Committee has ordered that the London 2012 games be held again next week. To make it fair this time around Russia will be banned from competing and newly suspect countries in the doping crisis, Kenya and Ethiopia, will have to compete in their pants.

“Since the report proving that Russian athletes were higher than Marge Simpson’s hair during the games it’s only right to do the whole thing again,” said London 2012’s Simon Cowell, Sebastian Coe. “We can easily restage the Olympics because it’s not like a lot of the venues have been poorly maintained, many athletes have had their funding cut, or that there’s actually less sport played in this country than there was three years ago due to facilities being closed and sold to developers.” Continue reading →

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by | November 8, 2015 · 1:46 am

Government admits to wiping arse with the Armed Forces Covenant

Have you tried caring about people before they’re dead, Prime Minster?

As politicians prepare to gather at the Cenotaph this morning the government has admitted that it absentmindedly used the Armed Forces Covenant as toilet paper.

“At least that way it saw some practical use,” said Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson. “The covenant is supposed to acknowledge the moral obligation the Government owes the armed forces, ensure they’re not disadvantaged in the provision of services and get special consideration if needed but tits to all that. Have you ever met an ex-squaddie? I have and they’re unbearable, it’s all ‘spare some change, mate’ this and ‘I need a specially adapted home because an IED blew off most of my limbs’ that. You can’t get a positive word out of them.” Continue reading →

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by | November 6, 2015 · 1:10 am

PM hurries holidaymakers home from Egypt so they can be killed by IDS instead of Isis

A UK citizen killed abroad is a tragedy. If they’re killed by their own government it’s an economic necessity

David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.

“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading →

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by | October 23, 2015 · 6:49 am

Nation afraid to admit it thinks James Bond is crap

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Pfffffffft

As another James Bond tits ‘n’ explosions spectacular hurtles into cinemas this weekend a shock poll has discovered that most UK adults are about as interested in 007 as they are in finding a way to have a lot less sex.

“Problem is it can’t be spoken of,” said one poll respondent. “Being a fan of James Bond is part of being British. You can’t say you think he’s a dull and violent cockwomble any more than you can say you don’t know what Mary Berry is for and didn’t laugh when Del Boy fell through the bar.” Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2015 · 11:00 am

“I’ll raise issues with Chinese President if he gives permission and tells me what to say” vows PM

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Five seconds later Dave lay down in a puddle and let Xi Jinping walk over him

David Cameron has promised that his talks with Xi Jinping will be hard-hitting and that “nothing is off the table” when it comes to raising issues apart, of course, from raising issues.

“I say nothing but one has to be polite,” David Cameron said. “President Xi Jinping may not want to talk about certain things like human rights, anti-competitive business practices and why it might not be the best plan ever for the UK if China buys most of it. He may not even like the table in which case I’ll simply get on all fours and he can use me as a table or any other piece of furniture for as long as he wishes.” Continue reading →

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by | October 12, 2015 · 2:12 am

‘I’m just a creepy arsehole’ drone user refutes allegation that he’s a photographer

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Searching for this image we found a company that specifically markets drones to children. What has become of us?

Drone user Tim Trotman has hit back at villagers who assume he’s harassing them with his buzzing git machine as part of an art project.

“People keep asking me when they can see the final thing and what it’s all supposed to mean,” a visibly frustrated Trotman told us. “I’m not a photographer or any kind of artist. I got the drone to annoy people and record their comings and goings for no reason other than that I can. I’m just a creepy arsehole and the village needs to accept this.”

Local police officer PC Flegg says that there’s nothing she can do to stop Trotman taking to the sky just to hack people off.

“There aren’t may laws against surveillance any more,” she said. “But to reassure everyone I’ll be monitoring Mr Trotman’s activities on the village’s extensive CCTV network and anyone who’s really worried about their privacy being eroded should tweet or Facebook about it.”

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by | October 5, 2015 · 6:50 am

Idiots arguing over plastic bag tax to be charged 5p

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Even a sea cucumber could understand. Now be quiet, you’re holding up the queue

 

Selfish morons who waste everyone’s time at supermarket checkouts arguing the toss over the plastic bag tax will be charged an extra five pence from today.

“Anyone claiming that they don’t understand must pay,” said Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold supermarket Guntco’s. “By using a shop a customer is clearly demonstrating that they are familiar with the concept of paying for things so getting the arse over plastic bags will result in them having to pay the stupidity tax as well.” Continue reading →

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by | October 3, 2015 · 8:26 am

Where’s our hoverboards? Scientists urged to get a shift on as Back to the Future deadline approaches

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We want those trainers and that board, and we want them now

Scientists across the globe are coming under increasing pressure to deliver as October 21st 2015, aka the day Marty McFly arrived in the future, gets closer.
“It’s getting intense,” local inventor Dr Rachel Guest said. “Every time I nip down the shops people are asking me why I’m walking, why we’re all still walking, and complaining about how much time they have to waste each day tying up their shoelaces.” Continue reading →

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by | September 25, 2015 · 11:00 am

Queen to burn Jeremy Corbyn at the stake if he doesn’t bow to her

Like all State occasions this one has been relentlessly rehearsed with Her Maj’s Scottish home, Castle Black, standing in for Buck House

As republican and reminder of a lovely teacher you had at school, Jeremy Corbyn, continues to weigh up the pros and cons of bowing to the Queen when he is made a privy counsellor, Her Majesty has entered the debate by saying that he will “burn if he doesn’t bend the knee.”

The Queen is set to have Corbyn executed on the grounds that she’ll do whatever it takes to “get some respect.” She went on to add that “dear Cousin Stannis had the right idea.” Continue reading →

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by | September 21, 2015 · 11:00 am

US Republican presidential hopeful made of bacon beats rivals in polls

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When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross and delicious with eggs

A surprise entrant into the race to become the Republican Party’s nominee for President of the United States has thrashed rivals in the latest round of opinion polls despite being made of bacon.

The porky candidate, tire fortune heir Jeff Miller, has an angry white face, a cross and the IQ of catshit. An image that many potential voters are responding to with joy.

“Jeff’s my man,” Cyrus T. Cliché III told us. “Being made of bacon he ain’t no Muslamic. Plus he ain’t no woman neither.” Continue reading →

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by | September 20, 2015 · 7:10 pm

Richard Dawkins’ bullying of Ahmed Mohamed dismissed as cry for attention

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Does he simply not know what he’s saying due to the culture he was raised in?

Eminent scientist turned huffy, proselytizing sideshow, Richard Dawkins, has had his motives for taking to Twitter to heap shit on a fourteen year old boy questioned, with many believing that he knew exactly what he was doing and that it was a pre-meditated attack carried out purely for attention.

“Assembling a Twitter rant is fine. Making it look like it was done as part of some great crusade for truth and isn’t a famous 74 year old man picking on a boy is not fine. Which is true?” said the first villager we found in the Squirrel Lickers, Phil Evans. Continue reading →

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by | September 5, 2015 · 8:11 am

Man shunned for not agreeing that the Krays were total legends

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The Krays twins: jailed for life at 35 when it turned out that taking tea with Judy Garland and being nice to yer old mum doesn’t let you off the hook for murder

Villager Sean Pavey was shunned by his drinking buddies last night after admitting that he didn’t think the Kray twins were brilliant.

“Everyone was going on about how awesome they were, proper old school and that,” Sean, 26, a mechanic at Pavey’s Auto-Spares told us. “All my mates were saying how cool the suits were and that what they did was top bants. Then I said but they were just two blokes who killed people and hurt a load more and everyone went quiet and said I was ruining it.” Continue reading →

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by | September 4, 2015 · 5:47 am

Dismay as Bono and Bob Geldof announce they’re releasing a song about refugees

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Worst pantomime horse ever

The refugee crisis has taken a darker turn with the announcement that Bono and Bob Geldof are going to release a song about it.

“To people with nothing I offer the thing they really need: music,” said Bono. “I represent the refugees. They haven’t asked me to represent them. It’s cheeky but I hope they’re glad I do. I’m the man who said of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ‘they are kind of the John and Paul of the global development stage, in my opinion. But the point is, Lennon and McCartney changed my interior world – Blair and Brown can change the real world’ what further proof of my expertise on politics and humanity do you need?” Continue reading →

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by | September 3, 2015 · 6:55 pm

Astonishment as Facebook posts don’t solve refugee crisis

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“And after I’ve had a cup of tea I’m going to eradicate polio through memes.”

As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.

“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”

“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading →

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by | August 31, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ramsay Bolton tipped to replace Iain Duncan Smith at the DWP

At least this one's a smiler which is nice

At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.

Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.

“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading →

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by | August 21, 2015 · 2:01 am

Outrage as American dentist shoots Bake Off’s bread lion

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Hit BBC show the Great British Bake Off has become the latest victim of weapon-toting dentist Walter Palmer. The blood lustin’ American burst onto the set and shot the amazing lion bread created by contestant Paul Jagger several times with a bow and arrow.

“I had to,” Palmer said. “I’m a hunter and that there bread lion was too beautiful to exist. I wanted him dead. That’s how you show the ultimate respect for bread, and for nature. You shoot it and put it in your special trophy room so no one can see it but you.” Continue reading →

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by | August 18, 2015 · 6:55 am

‘We’re boycotting Amazon’ is the new ‘We don’t have a TV’

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Just because someone’s right it doesn’t mean they’re not also terribly annoying

Boycotting Amazon has officially become the new bullseye on the middle class morality dartboard finally ousting claiming not to have a TV.

“It’s taken years,” media and trend analyst Lizzie Philips told us. “But at long last not shopping with Amazon has become the single greatest source of conversational smugness.” Continue reading →

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