Jehovah’s Witnesses, Jean and Derek Fournissant have promised to sue the local Labour election canvasser if “that twat knocks on the door one more time”.
“He comes round at all times of day and night, banging on the door, asking us to believe in the one he calls the Saviour,” Mrs Fournissant explained.
“Not being funny, but if Ed Miliband is the Saviour then I’d rather burn in hell, suck the Devil’s penis or worse, donate blood.” Continue reading
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HMRC has waded into the war on terrorism claiming that many of the British-born jihadists are basing themselves in Syria as part of a global tax dodging scheme.
“Fundraising for IS, al-Qaeda or Boko Haram is not only morally wrong, but by moving their jihadi activity offshore they are effectively robbing the treasury of some much-needed revenue,” the Taxpayers’ Alliance said
“How can we stop radicalisation if these terrorists aren’t paying their dues?”
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Alonso’s beard woke up decades in the past
A proud wearer of facial fluff, Alonso went into turn 3 at the Circuit De Barcelona-Catalunya with a bit of morning stubble, but after colliding with a wall his beard came out having seemingly forgotten the past 40 years and slipped into a 70’s style.
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Prince William has arrived in China to help strengthen trading ties with the UK, and to see how the ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along.
Visiting a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing, the second in line to the throne inspected a new range of plates, tea towels, and baby lizard toys that should be ready in time for the birth of his second child.
Speaking at the sweatshop, wearing a high visibility protective line of bodyguards, the Duke of Cambridge commended the employees on their work ethic.
“I’m grateful these workers are putting in 18 hour days in appalling conditions just to put my wife’s face on a plate” the prince said. “George had only just starting walking at their age”
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Vladimir Putin’s wide ranging and extensive investigation has concluded the murder of ex deputy prime minister and his political opponent Boris Nemtsov was probably carried out by Professor Plum, in the Library, with the lead pipe.
Speaking to reporters, Mr Putin said: “I have looked at all of the clues, all the evidence and had a sneak peak at the special envelope containing the cards and it all points to it being Professor Plum and definitely not the KGB, from the Kremlin, with a Kalashnikov. Continue reading
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The world has officially thrown in the towel today with the threat of terrorism, corrupt politicians and a dodgy banking sector and decided to just concentrate on the colour of a dress.
Social media, which has been traditionally been a healthy mix of cats and memes with debate on the biggest issues facing us, pulled the plug on giving a shit any more as more and more users put their opinion on the precise shades used in a dress.
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A report into Jimmy Savile’s activities at Stoke Mandeville hospital has concluded that if someone’s paedophilia is ‘an open secret’, and there have been ten complaints against him for abusing children, one of those being a formal complaint, it’s probably best not to give him unrestricted access to kids. Continue reading
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Qatar’s slave labour has said it welcomes FIFA’s recommendation that the 2022 World Cup should be held a few months later than normal, giving them more chance of them finishing the stadia on time, and therefore less chance of having their Human Rights violated for being late.
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Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists
Chelsea captain, occasional racist and former stealer of his team mates’ girlfriends and Champions League glory John Terry has spoken out at his dismay after UKIP appear to have taken a story about some racist Chelsea fans on a train and make it all about them.
“Why can’t we be allowed to have our racists splashed all over the papers without UKIP trying to get in on the act,” Terry explained. Continue reading
Iain Duncan Smith has finally lost the plot this week and added a ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to his policy of giving away houses to people that stay in work for a year.
The clause will see anyone that remains in employment for one year get a house and full ownership the company that employed them.
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Paul Dacre has been pictured leaving his house this morning, possibly to meet a woman, or a man, or to buy a paper, wearing an unflattering suit and carrying more than a few extra pounds.
His daring outfit, comprising a grey two-piece suit in a dark galactic grey teamed with a white shirt with unflattering blue vertical pinstripes and a burgundy tie, left the Daily Mail editor looking older than his years.
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Nick Clegg has applied to the Ecuadorian Embassy for asylum so he can escape a political beating in May. It is expected that Mr Clegg will be subject to public political humiliation come the general election
“If Assange can hide from the Swedish courts and remain the head of Wikileaks by withering away in a central London room, then why can’t I hide away and still get to be deputy prime minister,” Clegg argued
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A mummified monk found in Mongolia is not dead, according to experts, he is just playing on his Xbox.
Senior Buddhists claim the monk is in a deep meditative trance, however gamers think he may just be stuck on a mission on Call Of Duty: Black Ops.
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Noel Gallagher has taken to the press to remind us all that he hates everyone just in time for the launch of his band’s latest album Chasing Yesterday.
The pre-release tradition which dates back to hating Blur in the nineties and his brother in the noughties this time has seen Gallagher hating Ed Sheeran and the Arctic Monkeys.
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The New English Patriots (pronounced Pay-tree-ots) have won the American Football World cup of Gridiron, beating Seattle Seahawks FC by 28 goals to 24, despite being 10 runs down going into the last part of the match.
The Patriots fourth World Cup final win saw inspiring performances by their nickel-back Tom Brady and an interception from his butler in the last few seconds of the game.
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Sky News has apologised for disruption caused to its transmission yesterday after a crazed woman armed with a fake script and an iPad stormed the studios and demanded to be let on air.
The woman, believed to be Kay Burley, was desperate to go on air to share her incoherent and often ill researched opinions with the nation.
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The world’s biggest Lycra-clad liar and drugs cheat Lance Armstrong has said he should be forgiven for getting caught.
He has told the BBC that he regrets getting caught cheating but says the public should forgive him and understand that it was never his wish to be found out. Continue reading
Not to be outdone twice in a week, Downing Street has confirmed that Prime Minister David Cameron hung up on yet another hoax caller claiming to be someone important while also claiming to be Nick Clegg.
“It was an obvious hoax, and they’ll have to do better than using the words Clegg and important in the same sentence if they want to catch me out,” a gleeful Cameron said. Continue reading
Following his move in 2012 from the Conservative Party to UKIP, and then his more recent move from UKIP to the Conservative party, David Cameron and Nigel Farage have finally agreed a joint custody deal of the he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.
“It’s been a long battle, but we have decided that it will be so much easier to claim some of our best friends are foreign if we have him during the week and UKIP have him at weekends,” Prime Minister and Tory leader David Cameron said.
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Western leaders have confused the rest of the world by paying their deepest respects following the death of a radical Muslim leader.
Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz died in hospital after a short battle with modernisation, which he lost when he took a dose of human rights abuses.
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