Author Archives: Perks

Advertising feature: Introducing the amazing child-cleaning power of MumSpit

Made from only the finest free range mums

Made from only the finest free range mums

Have you ever noticed how messy children can become when you’re out? Ice cream, chocolate, mud and animal fur all seem to be magnetically attracted to their faces, leaving other people thinking you don’t wash your kids. Sure you could use a wet wipe, but if anything you are just spreading the problem. That’s where we can help

Introducing ‘MumSpit’

Made with the cleaning power of spit from over 40 authentic mothers all from the village of Harold, MumSpit not only kills 99.9% of all known germs, but it also has a bloody good go at the remaining 0.1%. Sprayed liberally onto the offending face, MumSpit can then wiped away with a hanky, a jumper sleeve or a McDonald’s napkin. Continue reading

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Filed under Advertisments, Lifestyle, science

Planning permission to be granted for UK’s first ‘indoor, solar-powered wind farm’

Our journalist said the warehouse was OK, but asked for the windows to be shut as there was an unwelcome draft.

Our journalist said the warehouse was OK, but asked for the windows to be shut as there was an unwelcome draft.

After 6 years of arguments over planning for a new wind farm on the edge of the village of Harold, plans to make the turbines solar-powered look set to revolutionise the environmentally friendly technology whilst finding a likely solution to the concerns raised by locals.

As with many other areas in the country, the sight of the wind farms on the landscape has been one of the main sticking points of the planning application, however making them solar-powered will allow the whole farm to be built inside a visually more acceptable warehouse.
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Filed under News, Politics

New rules for middle-lane hoggers and tailgaters may be used to stop u-turns in Westminster

Miliband was asked to point left for photographers

Miliband was asked to point left for photographers

With motorway police getting new powers to issue on-the-spot fines and penalty points for offences such as middle-lane hogging, police in the Westminster have asked for similar powers to reduce the increasing amount of careless manoeuvres such as u-turns.

The latest person found to be caught making unexpected moves is Ed Miliband, who has been witnessed committing a number of dangerous u-turns around his financial policy. Under the proposed plans, this would have resulted in a £60 fine and three points.
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Filed under News, Politics, Travel

BREAKING NEWS: Following the success of judges seen drinking Pepsi on American Idol, X-Factor judges may be financed by Coke.

EHBreaking

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New bail-out required after a run on the nation’s food banks

food bank QueueWith the financial crisis still rumbling along and belts being tightened enough to make Eric Pickles look like an hour-glass, a new crisis is emerging that is going to require another bail-out. Rumours of a lack of deposits has led to the country’s first run on a food bank.

With more and more people being forced to use the banks in order to feed their family, deposits in them are now running at an all time low. The charities are now looking for a bail-out to boost their stocks they hold from the government, or Asda.
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Filed under Business, Lifestyle, News, Politics

UK Government ready to release Lib Dem detainees

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”

Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”

The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.
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Filed under Crime, International News, News, Politics

Westboro Baptist Church modernise by allowing gay clergy

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

The controversial religious cult, the Westboro Baptist Church, have announced a set of reforms aimed at modernising the church and improving its public image. Although they have stopped short of banning incest and the brainwashing of children, they have come out and agreed to allow gay clergy.

The notoriously homophobic group have until now been bitterly against same-sex relationships, preaching their hatred with their infamous banners whilst protesting at military installations, schools and at the funerals of fallen soldiers. However in a bid to rebuild numbers in their church, the church’s founder Pastor Fred Phelps has decided to get right behind the gay community.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Religion

Man dies after eating an Apple a day

To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the  iPhones were on Orange

To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the iPhones were on Orange

A 19 year old man died yesterday, after being advised to eat an apple a day by Doctor Evans. Wayne Chavley was rushed to hospital after consuming 2 iPhones, 3 iPads and a Macbook air over the course of 6 days.

It is believed he initially visited his GP for a check up. As he was found to be a little on the morbidly obese side, Doctor Evans recommended he try eating fruit as a snack instead of a family size bar of Galaxy. As Mr Chavley walked out of the doctor’s room, an eyewitness tells us she heard the doctor say ” an apple a day keeps the doctor away”. “I couldn’t believe my ears” Mrs Sandy told us. “It was obvious that the man leaving the room had no idea what fruit was”.

Mr Chavley’s girlfriend made an emotional statement outside the family bedsit. ” We just wanted Wayne to lose a couple of stone. 20 stone was his target. When the doctor recommended an apple a day, we thought he meant iPhones and that. We robbed 4 different people of their stuff and nearly got arrested in Comet as we couldn’t afford all those things, but it was all to help Wayne.” Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News

‘Threat’ sees local bus diverted to Dunstable coach station

EmergServiceES_468x303 copyA bus driver from Harold Bus Company has been described as “courageous” and praised for his quick thinking after he made the call to divert his bus to Dunstable coach station following a report of possible danger to the journey.

The bus, a Ford Transit B16F Minibus, was scheduled to arrive at the Town Hall at approximately 14:23. However the brave driver took a last-minute decision to divert to Dunstable after a call was received warning of an unattended item being left at the back of the bus. Dunstable is the bus station best equipped to deal with these kind of situations.

“Initially I thought it may have been a false alarm, but then I remembered what happened in the film ‘Speed’,” Gary Thorne, 43 and HBC’s driver of the year three years running told us. “There was only one way to find out if I was in the same situation as Miss Congeniality, and that was to get the vehicle up to 50mph.”
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Filed under News

One year on: Olympic sponsors celebrate a successful legacy

track copyNearly a year after the London Olympics, the Games’ main sponsors have been reflecting on the success they have achieved and celebrating the “legacy”. McDonald’s, Visa, Deloitte and ATOS have all seen improvements in major key performance legacy indicators such as obesity, personal debt, company administrations and savings in disability benefits.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games (LOCOG) has praised the companies in their efforts to make sure the impact of their support of the Games did not waver. Continue reading

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Village looks to get name attached to Heathrow airport

20130521-224730.jpgIn a bid to increase tourism into the village, Harold Tourist Board (HTA) have applied to BAA to have a major airport renamed. With the tradition of airports being named after a place they are nowhere near, the HTA are looking to change a well-known airport to Harold Heathrow.

“We have been looking at ways to increase the amount of foreign visitors coming to the village on holiday” the HTA said in a statement. “Someone suggested building an airport and calling it London Harold, but that would have been far too expensive. Continue reading

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Picture Exclusive: Klay Rooney gives Wayne and Coleen their first sleepless night

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

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by | May 21, 2013 · 9:45 am

Alpha males masculinity threatened by woman telling them their masculinity is under threat

a freshly exfoliated and moisturised Barry Johns (pictured) denies men are losing masculinity

A freshly exfoliated and moisturised Barry Johns (pictured) denies men are losing masculinity

Men in the UK have today reached a crisis point after it took a woman to point out to them their masculinity is under threat. The revelation was made by Labour MP, and woman, Diane Abbott in a speech, that as shadow health minister, would have been given by a man 30 years ago.

Alpha males up and down the country are now questioning their masculinity following Ms Abbott’s words and are also trying to understand why they hadn’t discovered it’s demise before a woman to come to that conclusion. There have even been cases of confused men watching more Jeremy Kyle than Jeremy Clarkson for the first time since ‘Top Gear’ began. Continue reading

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Google tax avoidance search

'Searching' for the truth.

‘Searching’ for the truth.

Just doing a bit of research into the hearing of the common select committee on tax avoidance, and got this.

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by | May 18, 2013 · 10:00 am

Widespread support for “slashing MPs”

Fire Brigade Union launch new 'cost effective' Westminster fire station.

Fire Brigade Union launch new ‘cost effective’ Westminster fire station.

A report into the cost of MPs in Westminster has recommended the whole system needs to be “transformed” to become more efficient and effective. This comes hot on the heels of a similar review that suggested the fire service also needed major reforming.

Reported incidences of competent MPs have fallen by 40% in the last decade but the number of £65,000-a-year parliamentarians has remained roughly the same. The report has stated having 650 separate “headless chickens” was not sensible.

“With some MPs being half as effective as others, tens of millions of pounds could be saved each year” the report’s author said. “I recommend cutting back on some of the non-effective ones such as George Galloway, Michael Gove and Ed Miliband.”

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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Harold resident receives first petrol miss-selling scandal text

claim text

 

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Stan and ollieperks

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by | May 15, 2013 · 3:30 pm

“Rio ferdinand’s England retirement a ‘victory’ for the BNP” claims Griffin

Although a blatent racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Although a blatant racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has said the news that Rio Ferdinand has retired from playing for England a victory for racists everywhere.

Ferdinand’s announcement comes after John Terry was picked for the last European championship ahead of him despite being due in court for racially abusing his brother, Anton. Although the court cleared Terry of the charges, the FA found him guilty and banned him accordingly.

“Rio’s decision is the right one, and shows the growing support for fascism in the footballing community” Griffin told reporters.

“I think we need to thank John Terry, the England fans accused of racially abusing him at a recent game and Paolo Di Canio for raising the profile of right-wing nut jobs in the game.”
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Filed under News, Politics, Sport

Advertisement Feature: Could you be entitled to claim back ‘SSI’?

Claim back your 30p

Claim back your 30p

Have you ever been to a well known burger restaurant? Did you have fries and a drink with your fast food? Have you eaten your chicken out of a bucket in the last 6 years. If you answered yes to any of these, then you could be entitled to a refund of your ‘Super Size Increase’.

Many fast food outlets have been mis-selling SSI for years, but new government legislation means you could claim back all of those 30p’s. You have been mis-sold SSI if you went extra large without needing it, wanting to, or not having the extra calorie information explained to you.

Call now and our advisors can tell you if you have a claim. We have already helped thousands of people who have been mis-sold SSI. Here is what some of our satisfied customers have said

Melanie, 24 stone from Margate says:

‘I have been going to these places for years and every time I ate there I went large. Nobody explained the consequences the extra 5 fries would have on me and now I’m morbidly obese. It has undone all the good work I have done ordering each meal with a diet coke. I have managed to claim back every 30p from the last six years. Yesterday I got my cheque for £17,000.’

Sarah, size 10 from Clethorpes says:

‘I am always asked if I want to ‘Go Large’. A few times I have taken them up on the offer, only to find out I could not manage that much food. Despite that they continued to mis-sell SSI to me every visit. I received a cheque for £1.20.

So why wait. Call us today and we will fight your corner to claim back your SSI. Why not also ask our helpful customer service advisor about our other services. We can help if you have been mis-sold PPI, had an accident in the last three years, or paid a commission to a claims company for something you could have done yourself.

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Filed under Business, Lifestyle, News

Advertisement Feature: Could you be entitled to claim back ‘SSI’?

Claim back your 30p

Claim back your 30p

Have you ever been to a well known burger restaurant? Did you have fries and a drink with your fast food? Have you eaten your chicken out of a bucket in the last 6 years. If you answered yes to any of these, then you could be entitled to a refund of your ‘Super Size Increase’.

Many fast food outlets have been mis-selling SSI for years, but new government legislation means you could claim back all of those 30p’s. You have been mis-sold SSI if you went extra large without needing it, wanting to, or not having the extra calorie information explained to you.

Call now and our advisors can tell you if you have a claim. We have already helped thousands of people who have been mis-sold SSI. Here is what some of our satisfied customers have said

Melanie, 24 stone from Margate says:

‘I have been going to these places for years and every time I ate there I went large. Nobody explained the consequences the extra 5 fries would have on me and now I’m morbidly obese. It has undone all the good work I have done ordering each meal with a diet coke. I have managed to claim back every 30p from the last six years. Yesterday I got my cheque for £17,000.’

Sarah, size 10 from Clethorpes says:

‘I am always asked if I want to ‘Go Large’. A few times I have taken them up on the offer, only to find out I could not manage that much food. Despite that they continued to mis-sell SSI to me every visit. I received a cheque for £1.20.

So why wait. Call us today and we will fight your corner to claim back your SSI. Why not also ask our helpful customer service advisor about our other services. We can help if you have been mis-sold PPI, had an accident in the last three years, or paid a commission to a claims company for something you could have done yourself.

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Filed under Business, Lifestyle, News

Traffic chaos as pensioner causes pedestrian pile-up

police car copyThere has been chaos on the High Street following a serious collision involving three people on the northbound pavement. The accident left the pavement closed for 3 hours.

Police were called to the collision at around 9.43am outside the charity shop. Eyewitnesses say it was caused by local resident, 86-year-old Elsie Duggan, stopping suddenly for no apparent reason.

Although we understand there are no fatalities, two have been taken to hospital for what are described as “minor injuries” and another was treated at the scene by a passing first aider.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, News