A leaked document from Buckingham Palace titled “2016: Blow me to Bermuda!” has revealed that the Queen will not be delivering a Christmas message to the country and the Commonwealth this year as 2016 has been “a right old barrel of piss” and that Her Majesty couldn’t put a decent spin on this one even if “we swap the royal Sanatogen for disco biscuits before showtime.” Continue reading
Tag Archives: The Queen
Two hundred and forty years after they were told to sod off the British are to regain a former colony and take control of the United States of America on the grounds that it’s become too silly.
“One has looked at Mrs Clinton and One has looked at Mr Trump,” said Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel and Empress of the Lone Islands. “And when it comes to both of them One’s reaction is, in the words of the philosopher Will Smith, aw, hell naw!”
2. Is the only monarch in the 20th century to have beaten a pope at Hungry Hippos (Pope Paul VI 1972).
3. Has completed all Panini football sticker books since 1976 apart from 1982 when Charles refused to swap a Kenny Dalglish with her.
4. Was involved in a hot threesome with Elton John and David Furnish, although the newspapers are still not allowed to report on the matter.
5. Is the undefeated champion of Trivial Pursuit in the Crowned Heads of Europe League, and seven times winner in the World Monarch Championships.<!–more–>
6. Was the original choice to front the eponymous rock band, before being pipped at the post by Freddie Mercury following a tense Queen-off.
7. When playing chess, does not allow her opponent to use a Queen. As such she is undefeated.
8. Had breast augmentation for when she used to pole dance on the Royal Yacht Britannia’s summer cruises
9. Was a huge fan of 80s group Devo and their hit ‘Whip It’, performing her own dance interpretation at Palace garden parties.
10. Is the owner of the world’s longest fossilised dog turd.
Measuring in at a whopping 39″ in length, the turd is believed to have been laid by a royal ancestor’s Wolfhound.
11. Owns an 8′ Anaconda named Nagini which is trained to suppress all opposing views held by mortal enemies. It also doubles as one of her Horcruxes.
12. Has never got bored of hearing the national anthem. And wishes that everyone still sang all the verses.
As republican and reminder of a lovely teacher you had at school, Jeremy Corbyn, continues to weigh up the pros and cons of bowing to the Queen when he is made a privy counsellor, Her Majesty has entered the debate by saying that he will “burn if he doesn’t bend the knee.”
The Queen is set to have Corbyn executed on the grounds that she’ll do whatever it takes to “get some respect.” She went on to add that “dear Cousin Stannis had the right idea.” Continue reading
Buckingham Palace has been forced to defend the Queen after it emerged that pictures of Her Majesty had been published in The Sun newspaper, owned by the evil tyrant Rupert Murdoch.
Members of the public were shocked today to find out that Queen Elizabeth had appeared in the reviled pages of the detested publication, forcing palace officials to hastily issue a statement insisting that the appearance of the photograph was an innocent event which had been blown out of all proportion.
“The photograph was taken a long time ago,” claimed a spokesperson, “When many people just didn’t realise how evil The Sun really was. Being a naive 89-year-old, the Queen simply didn’t understand what it meant to be linked to Rupert Murdoch, and we would like to assure everyone that she is not, and has never been, a grubby far-right bucket of sleaze. There are plenty of other people in the royal family to take care of all that.” Continue reading
In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading
“It’s coming, it’s coming, I’m going to be King soon” spurted Charles as he retired to his room to watch some Coronation porn and polish his Crown. When Charles emerged 15 minutes later he declared he was ‘hereditary and ready’.
Elizabeth, Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, and Empress of the Lone Islands is today celebrating her 88th birthday. In honour of the occasion we present the top fifteen facts about her extraordinary life and reign. Continue reading
What started out as pomp and ceremony and a little light pecking ended in a near-brawl in Buckingham Palace last night after Irish President Michael D Higgins ‘had a bit too much to drink’ and started coming on to the Queen.
Rumours had previously suggested he ‘might try to get in there’ when Scotland moves out, but it seems he could wait no longer to declare himself to Her Majesty.
“Things started getting a little raucous during after-dinner drinks,” said Harold teenager Melanie Delaney (19) who works part-time as a Palace waitress.
There were sad scenes at Aintree today as the Grand National claimed another victim. Unusually the tragedy did not take place at Beechers Brook but in the Royal Enclosure when Pippa Middleton who was wearing stylish but vertiginous high heels, took a tumble and broke her left buttock.
Senior Royals looked on dispassionately while race officials quickly erected a tarpaulin screen around Ms Middleton and she was swiftly and humanely dispatched.
It should have been a pleasant occasion, two amiable old pensioners, who both believe in God, massive wealth, splendid ceremonial outfits and the undemocratic retention of power, sharing a pot of Earl Grey and a bit of gossip. Unfortunately it has been announced that Prince Philip will be accompanying the Queen to her meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican this afternoon.
There have been howls of outrage from traditionalists this morning following the BBC’s announcement that it has scrapped the Queen’s Christmas Day speech in favour of one from Mrs Agnes Brown instead.
“We’re not dumbing down or chasing ratings,” said Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC. “Times are tough for a lot of people so we thought it would be more appropriate for them to be addressed by a feisty lower-class housewife with a twinkle in her eye rather than a fabulously rich monarch whose television manner is as cold as the battlements of the castle she’s filmed in.” Continue reading
As US endurance swimmer Diana Nyad yesterday became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida non-stop and without the protection of a shark cage it has emerged that Prince Charles is encouraging his mother to make her own attempt at the epic 103 mile swim.
“Diana Nyad is a shining example of never being too old to chase your dreams,” said the Prince. “At sixty-four years old she has shown herself to be a remarkable athlete who has achieved something truly incredible. So I was thinking that Mater ought to pop down to Havana and give it a go.” Continue reading
A tearful Kate said that the constant media pressure about producing an heir had got too much for her, and when journalists quizzed her about being pregnant after she had put on a couple of pounds, she thought it was simplest to just agree.