Tag Archives: Star Wars

Mo Farah continues campaign to win R2D2 role

FarahA frustrated Mo Farah says he doesn’t know what more he can do to secure the role of R2D2 in the Star Wars films after once again doing his trademark ‘Mobot’ celebration.

Farah says he truly hates running, but it’s a means to an end to get his dream robot role.
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New Monopoly piece launched with Rey using the iron

monopolyreyFollowing criticism of their decision to not include the female Rey character as one of the playable pieces in “Star Wars Monopoly”, the manufacturers have announced that the game will now come with Rey busily using the traditional “iron” piece.

“We recognise how bad it looked to leave out the main girl character,” admitted a spokesman from Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly. “We heard your criticisms, and we’ve moved swiftly to make things better, by introducing a new Rey piece, engaged in the womanly pursuit of ironing.”

“None of the other old pieces worked – we didn’t think she’d much fancy driving a car, let alone a ship, and the top hat was obviously out. But with the iron, we think we’ve found something that will both delight and be familiar to our girly customers everywhere.” Continue reading

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Islamic State regret selling execution video franchise to Disney

IS a dork

IS a dork

ISIS has slammed the new execution video as ‘too derivative’, and say they regret selling the popular franchise to Disney.

An ISIS spokesman said they were disappointed with the unimaginative casting of another Britain to replace Jihadi John, and the use of the same old tired desert location.

“Where is the creative spark, where is the character development? The gimmicky use of the child was just appalling, what next – a puppy?” said the spokesman.
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Reader Gift: Your very own Star Wars hype-free zone

It’s everywhere but not here. Enjoy.

And who gives a rat’s arse whether the Force is with you or not?  Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment

Dismay as new Star Wars movie turns out to be musical

sound-of-music-tour

These aren’t the brown paper packages tied up with string you’re looking for…

Movie-goers were left disgusted today after the long-awaited new Star Wars movie turned out to be, in fact, a musical.

This news story could go on to cleverly explain how this disaster could have come about, but we all know that what we’re really here for is the list of songs.

So (gulp) here we go, then:

“Send in the Clones”
“Han’s up, baby, Han’s up!”
“Don’t cry for me, Grand Moff Tarkin”
“Summer Jedi Knights”
“Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini!”
“Don’t Luke back in anger”
“Ewok Around the Clock”
“Yoda one that I want”
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Jabba the Hutt pressured to lose 3,500 lbs for new Star Wars movie

jabbathin

Lean and mean

Following the news that Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill were asked to lose weight to reprise their roles in the new Star Wars movie, evil space gangster Jabba the Hutt has claimed that he too was pressured to slim down.

“The producers called my agent,” Mr the Hutt revealed today, “And they explained that they were very keen to have my character return, but they’d kind of imagined a much thinner version.”

“Well, I wasn’t happy, but what am I going to do? It’s not like I’m going to let anyone else play Jabba, is it? They had me over a barrel.”

“I know aliens shouldn’t be judged by their size, but to be fair, I am an enormous flabby monster the size of a small planet.”

“3,500 pounds, I had to lose. They might as well have told me to get nicer, because that’s how tough it was.”

Jabba revealed that a strenuous programme of jogging and pilates eventually helped shed that disgusting alien flab, along with a strict diet. Continue reading

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Light saber condoms ‘a step too far’ admits Disney

light saber

Is that a Yoda in your pocket? Or do you have a serious medical condition?

Disney has admitted that their Star Wars franchise may have cocked up, as it rolled out a new light saber condom.

Available in Jedi Green, or red for those who want to explore the dark side, the prophylactic is lubricated to reduce science friction.

But consumer groups have complained that the sheath is a wholly inappropriate way to get inside fans and build excitement about the franchise.
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Film-makers ‘bewildered’ at church service Star Wars ban

prayer

“Please, please let Harrison Ford be still cool”

Following the news that cinemas have banned a new advertisement for the Lord’s Prayer, Lucasfilm has has said it is “disappointed and bewildered” by the refusal of UK churches to screen the new Star Wars film.

Director J. J. Abrams called the decision “plain silly” and warned it could have a “chilling” effect on his pay check.

“In what is thankfully still a Star Wars-worshipping country, it seems perverse not to allow churchgoers to enjoy the movie during their spare time at the pew,” he insisted. “We’d turn the volume down a bit while the vicar was actually talking, so it wouldn’t get in the way at all.”

It had been hoped the film would be screened UK-wide in the middle of Christmas services, instead of the boring bit where they usually have kids holding candles and singing, but in a statement, the Church of England said it had a policy of not showing Star Wars movies in its places of worship.

“Not because of any risk of offending people,” a spokesperson explained, “It’s just that the last three were bollocks.”

Star Wars fans immediately condemned the decision, many pointing out that this year’s traditional all-night Easter Vigil at Westminster Abbey included a triple-header of all three Hobbit films, even though the last one was a bit crap.

Reports that this was because the Archbishop of Canterbury likes to take the robes home and play at being Gandalf could not be confirmed.

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Outrage at Star Wars Audi product placement

millennium falcon3

It might be cramped, but you can always pop your dog on the passenger seat.

Fans of the much-anticipated ‘Star Wars – The Force Awakens’ have reacted angrily to the Millennium Falcon being branded an Audi.

With spiralling costs and an increase in video piracy, Disney claim they were ‘forced’ to seek income from the dark side.

“Product placement has been criticised in the past, but Audi is a natural brand to complement the Star Wars product”, said Disney’s Bob Taeft. “They chose the Millennium Falcon because it’s grey, doesn’t have indicators, but can do the Kessel run on half a tank of unleaded.”
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‘Star Wars is responsible for climate change’ claims academic

Yoda_SWSB

Honestly, who seems more real to you? This chap or Kim Kardashian?

Harold academic Professor Monica Simon has launched a stinging attack on Star Wars by saying it is to blame for climate change. Her new book Laugh It Up, Fuzzball: How George Lucas Happily Destroyed Earth claims that the film director has succeeded in brain-washing everyone into “buggering up the planet because they think they can just go to another one.” Continue reading

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Star Wars fans angry at news next movie will be set around Bristol

donkeytrooper

These aren’t the droids Eeyore looking for

Star Wars fans were venting their anger this morning after news leaked out from Disney studios that unusually for the series, the next Star Wars film will be set “largely in Bristol and Somerset.”

The current open casting auditions in Bristol had led some film buffs to question whether characters from the next film would have West Country accents, and it now seems that this is no accident.

“We’re really excited at the prospect of filming in the south west of England,” explained a Disney spokesperson today. “It’s a lovely part of the world, and fits very well with the plot of the next movie, which I can’t give away but is heavily based around cider.”
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Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

starwarsqueue

‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.
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Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

starwarsqueue

‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.

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Perfect version of original Star Wars trilogy to be released: all dialogue cut.

Talk shit, I do.

Talk shit, I do.

George Lucas the creator of Star Wars has announced that he is releasing yet another DVD version of the first trilogy of films only this time with all the dialogue cut.

“As I looked them over one more time to see what ropey cgi I could add I was struck by a fatal weakness in all three movies that I’d never noticed before,” he said. “And it’s the dialogue. Thirty-six years after A New Hope was shot I finally released that every word in the script was utter bobbins and that that trend continued right the way through to The Empire Strikes Back then Return of the Jedi.Continue reading

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