The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading
When you want to think but your brain decides to recite Blackadder quotes instead
The whole country has woken up with the nagging feeling that they’re supposed to do something really serious.
“I keep racking my brains but nothing leaps to mind,” local pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I can recall that people have been shouting at us and talking down to us for ages but now I’m buggered if I know what it was all in aid of.” Continue reading
Today both sides will be crossing the country releasing these onto high streets
As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.
“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading
Two people who live on a planet so different from ours they might as well be aliens
As the referendum campaigns enter their final frothing madness stage the UK is braced for a barrage of instruction from some of the most over-praised and overpaid people in the country. The list is long however the Evening Harold managed to catch up with two of the nation’s leading and most talkative thesps who spake unto us from their bubble of privilege.
Benedict Cumberbatch who last year in the West End nightly treated fans to a very long and ill-informed speech on Syria with a quick couple of scenes from Hamlet thrown in at the beginning said that actors should tell people what to do because “we’re just better than you”. Continue reading
It’s a nice idea but how can people like this integrate into normal society?
Disastrous attempt to breed a golden retriever that could hold down a very simple job, Boris Johnson, was heckled at a Leave rally earlier today when he proposed an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters. Continue reading
“What’s all that noise over there about?”
Comforting mole-person in khaki slacks, Jeremy Corbyn, has spoken of his utter shock on learning that the UK is in the grip of a referendum debate.
“I was aware that people are talking about something a lot,” he said. “I thought that maybe Bake Off was back on or something.” Continue reading
Pop mogul Simon Cowell has rejected calls to change the voting system for the X-Factor. Under the changes, that will see voting devolved based on intellectual groups, only morons will be able to vote on issues that affect morons meaning only viewers with an IQ under 76 will be eligible to vote contestants off his show.
“This will lead to the end of the X-Factor,” Mr Cowell said worriedly, the first time those words have not been uttered in a celebratory way.
“If we are relying on those whose IQs match the contestants, then we are setting ourselves up for a lot of phones broken as they try to dial the numbers with their fists and foreheads, and not many lucrative votes.
“We had trialled a postal voting system but that failed when those morons taking part either posted their phones or stuck their eyelids together with stamps.”
David Cameron held a meeting of top Tories to discuss bringing in the intellectually devolved X-Factor voting system in at the same time as granting Scotland greater powers, a move some believe could be dangerous.
One commentator explained: “the biggest fear is that the average Tory voter fits into the IQ limit proposed. If they can vote Cameron into Number 10 just imagine what shit they could get to Christmas Number 1.”
However, unlike the English vote for English issues idea Ed Miliband has told the Labour conference he welcomed the proposals.
“I always said that even at the top of the political system I would never forget my roots,” he told delegate.
“If it wasn’t for morons voting for a moron, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’
Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.
“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”
In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.
What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
You can count the argument on one finger.
David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.
While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.
“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”
Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”
Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
We have so much in common. Everyone in England also thinks John Brown and Queen Victoria totally did the filth.
Drunk and emotional, a sobbing England last night made Scotland a specially selected playlist of their greatest hits together in a desperate bid to rekindle the passion and ensure that Scotland won’t break England’s heart in September’s independence referendum.
“We’ve been together since 1707,” England slurred. “S’long time and we’ve made it work, haven’t we? We’ve had good times. Brilliant times! There was the Empire, we did that together, you and me taking over the world. And what about haggis? Invented in Lancashire and then you took it to another level: that’s teamwork.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Major parties blame each other for Birmingham.
Labour leader Ed Miliband has thrown his full weight behind a campaign to allow the UK to have a referendum on Birmingham.
Miliband has been criticised recently for a lack of credible policies, but the ‘Birmingham Out’ proposal is set to change all that.
Seen as little more than a car park by many, but a car park with a miserable accent, Birmingham is the ‘Elephant in the Midlands’ according to political pundits.
Signs will be printed very locally
With exiting organisations currently all the rage, a third Harold councillor has declared they would ‘happily walk away from Bedfordshire tomorrow’.
Harold has already declared independence from Europe, NATO and Groupon, but the latest move could see the village become ‘more insular than many dared dream’.
“There are some good things about being in Bedfordshire”, Ron Ronsson admitted. “It’s a relatively small county, and not many people visit. But given an in/out referendum, I’d have to say ‘out’. It doesn’t do to dwell too long on the positives.”