Tag Archives: FIFA

Never mind all that, there’s a guy called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’!

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Tokyo Sexwale (artist’s impression)

Citizens of the world should ignore their insignificant troubles and rejoice in the fact that there is a man in South Africa called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’, the Evening Harold has learned.

Tokyo Sexwale, the man with the best name in the universe, is the South African candidate in the upcoming FIFA presidential elections.

In case this hasn’t fully sunken in, his name is TOKYO SEXWALE.

SEXWALE…

Tokyo is a mining tycoon and former anti-apartheid campaigner, but these things which would usually be interesting fade into the background next to the fact that his name is ‘Sexwale’.

“His parents, Mr and Mrs Sexwale, are to be greatly applauded for resisting the temptation to name him ‘Brian’,” explained Evening Harold sporting editor Piers Waghorn. “We can only assume they had been reading a lot of Douglas Adams, and the only surprise is that Tokyo’s middle name isn’t ‘Vroomfondel’.”

Charitable people have suggested that the ‘Tokyo’ is merely an attempt by the parents to distract people who meet their son from noticing his surname, but this theory fails to account for the frankly massive cojones of the Sexwales, who clearly didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.

FIFA voters have admitted that they aren’t actually all that bothered about the corruption thing any more, provided they can have a ‘Tokyo Sexwale’ T-shirt.

Realising too late that an outrageous name was a sure way to be voted FIFA president, one of the other candidates has decided to be called “Jerome Champagne”, but this potentially interesting name is nothing when placed alongside the mighty Tokyo Vroonfondel Sexwale.

 

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Sky and BT battle for rights to Blatter trial

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Blatter auditions for ‘Call My Bluff’.

Sky and BT are locked in a fierce battle for the the rights to televise Sepp Blatter’s trial.

Sky are promising to debut their slow-motion car crash technology, and a resolution that could see their new star locked into a 20 year contract, excluding parole.

“This is an exciting event that everyone has been looking forward to for years”, said Rupert Murdoch.

“Trust me, we have a lot of experience in how the court system works. My son James is going to head up this bid.”
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Banks to look into FIFA accounts, looking for tips

imageBritish banks are to have in depth investigations in suspicious FIFA account to see if there is anything they can learn.

A spokesman for Barclays said: “It is looking like FIFA may have had some dodgy dealings happening through their accounts for the last 25 years. That’s impressive in anyone books, and we know about dodgy books. Continue reading

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New ‘Blatter’ alloy bounces back into shape no matter how bent

The indestructible Blatter!

The indestructible Blatter!

Engineers have produced an alloy that springs back into shape no matter how bent it appears.

Named Blatter after the indestructible president of FIFA, it is created by combining the resilient elements of Mugabe, Farage and various species of cockroach into an alloy which never seems to wear out, no matter what is thrown at it. Continue reading

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Qatar’s slave labour grateful to have unbearably hot summer to finish stadia

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Qatar’s slave labour has said it welcomes FIFA’s recommendation that the 2022 World Cup should be held a few months later than normal, giving them more chance of them finishing the stadia on time, and therefore less chance of having their Human Rights violated for being late.
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Global Exclusive: football tournament starts today in Brazil

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The English team is young but keen.

Unmentioned in the media a little known football tournament called the FIFA World Cup 2014 starts today in Sao Paulo. The contest, which lasts a month, will end with the winning team being given a Cadbury’s Creme Egg each and the opportunity to go on to reap lucrative commercial sponsorship deals worth in excess of £100.

England won the World Cup in 1966 however that achievement is now all but forgotten with that year being associated in most people’s minds with the birth of David Cameron.

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Award of 2022 World Cup to Sicily “not due to corruption” says Mafia Don

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions

FIFA were caught up in further controversy today following their decision to strip the hosting of the 2022 World Cup from Qatar and instead award it to Sicily.

Critics are claiming that the new vote was, if anything, even more corrupt than the original process that saw the World Cup awarded to Qatar. These claims have been strenuously denied by Matteo Messina Denaro, who headed up the Sicily 2022 bid. Continue reading

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Uncovering FIFA corruption sees The Sunday Times favourite for ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ award for journalism

20140601-074041-27641737.jpgWith the results of an investigation showing corruption in FIFA led to the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, The Sunday Times have become this year’s favourites to scoop the ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ award for journalism.

The award is given to stories that use investigations, evidence, and concrete proof to end up with a shocking revelation that most people thought was already fact, leading them to say ‘no shit, Sherlock’.

Previous winners of the award include The Daily Telegraph with their discovery in 2009 that MPs were dishonest.
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FIFA to investigate Nigeria goalkeeper for ‘bringing corruption into disrepute’

20140529-094353-35033328.jpgFifa has announced it is to investigate Nigerian goalkeeper, Austin Ejide, after he appeared to throw the ball into his own net during a friendly game with Scotland. He is to be charged with being so blatant he ‘brought corruption into disrepute’.

Speaking from his penthouse suite in a five-star hotel in Qatar, Sepp Blatter said corruption in football was “a fine art that only a very few at the top can master.”

“The way he threw the ball into his own net was an embarrassment,” Blatter explained. “Even the referee disallowed it out of sympathy and to try and give him another go at it.”

“Russia and Qatar wouldn’t have World Cups if they had just given us brown envelopes in front of the cameras, would they?

“Ok, maybe they would but the point is they didn’t. They were much more subtle.”

It was not only the obvious attempt to throw the ball into his own goal that have brought corruption into disrepute during the game.

Suspicions were aroused when he stepped up to take a penalty. The Scotland players tried to tell him he should be attempting to save it but he was adamant he would score. And he would have, had he not still had his boot laces tied together.

His teammates appeared to be unhappy with his blatant attempts to throw the game.

Nigeria defender Azubuike Egwuekw said: “It was embarrassing. I told him to get a grip, but he said he couldn’t, especially not with all the butter he had spread on his gloves.

“Eventually though he changed them, calmed down and let me score a less suspicious own goal. He really could have let the team down.”

Blatter has said that should Austin Ejide be found guilty of bringing corruption into disrepute he will be banned from playing the sport and serving on the Fifa board in the future. Either that or a fine of 500,000USD in used notes delivered to Mr Blatter directly.

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Qatar insists migrant worker death toll ‘still on target for World Cup 2022’

desert football

FIFA’s Sepp Blatter described international press as ‘vultures’.

The Emir of Qatar has reassured FIFA that he is ‘confident’ of killing at least 4,000 migrant workers before the 2022 World Cup opening ceremony.

Using a combination of squalid conditions, oppressive brutality and safety gear made out of paper, the emirate has so far managed to see off around 400 Nepalese slaves.

“It’s a start”, said Emir Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani. “We’re on track, but I think we could do more.”
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Germans constructing enormous World Cup towel

TowelBeachConcerned by infrastructure delays surrounding next Summer’s World Cup, the German Football Association has announced that it is the early stages of constructing a gigantic towel to reserve the location of the team’s training base.

The under-construction towel, which is being built by a high-tech Munich weaving company, will cover 15,000 square metres of Brazil’s beachfront and will have black, red and yellow stripes and come pre-washed to avoid unpleasant early lack of absorbancy.

Initial hand-towels have already been completed, and a German fact-finding team have been sent over to Brazil to give these a dry run in the team’s hotel.

Joachim Low’s team have been drawn to play Ghana, Portugal and the United States, and are favourites to beat all of them down to the hotel’s buffet breakfast.

Not everyone is impressed by the Germans’ advance planning. The English FA has already lodged a complaint with FIFA, saying England was “Just about to build a training camp on that site, it’s a bloody liberty!” England manager Roy Hodgson angrily insisted “It really is a bit much, our builders came down there nice and early to find an enormous towel already being built. They’d hardly had breakfast!”

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Village tells FIFA: ‘We’re ready to hold 2022 World Cup’

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The village of Harold has stepped into the row about Qatar holding the 2022 World Cup by telling FIFA the village is ready to hold the competition should they need to change host.

“We already have the infrastructure in place” councillor Ronsson said. “And although like Qatar most of it was build using slave labour, ours was built a long time ago when slavery was acceptable so is actually of historical interest.”

Putting Harold’s case forward to take on the World Cup, Ronsson also pointed out several other advantages of holding it in the village instead of Qatar.

“We won’t need air conditioned stadiums as temperatures in Bedfordshire have never gone above 18.7C. We also have the Squirrel Licker Arms. Like many premises in Qatar it doesn’t have an alcohol license, but we have proudly turned a blind eye to that since 1984.”

The one concern levelled at village is the quality and quantity of stadia. Ronsson admitted that Harold Thursday’s ground was the biggest, holding up to 267 spectators. However he has said that can be increased to 534 if supporters are willing to sit on each other’s laps, something else that is allowed in Harold but frowned on in Qatar.

“For less important games we can convert the village green with some pop-up goals from Argos.”

Ronsson has said he thinks Harold’s bid should be enough to convince FIFA to move the tournament as it was delivered in a brown envelope with £1.3m in used notes.

He also noted that compared Qatar, any game played in Harold that goes to a ‘penalty shoot-out’ was less likely to involve a firing squad, a fact that should see the England team sleep a little better.

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FIFA awards the 2026 World Cup Finals to Antarctica

Managers will have to dig their own dug outs

Managers will have to dig their own dug outs

Stung by accusations of incompetence following the decision to play the 2022 World Cup Finals in the desert heat of Qatar, FIFA have responded by awarding the 2026 Finals to Antarctica.

“We’ve learnt our lessons from the Qatar debacle”, insisted Sepp Blatter, “so to avoid the higher temperatures of the summer months, the Antarctican matches will be played in the winter.” Continue reading

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