Unpopular, even in his own shaving mirror.
Ed Balls has dismissed suggestions that he might return to frontline politics, given his current persona and the way he interacts with humans.
Balls, a man with a face like a bottle bank (in that you’re inclined to shove bottles in it), revealed that he’s happy to spend ‘the next month or two’ in the storage unit his wife has paid for.
“Obviously I’m brilliant”, revealed Balls, “but not everyone ‘gets’ me. For instance, the tumble dryer I’m stored with recently caught fire. In a storage unit. With no power supply. The engineer said it was suicide, which is unusual for an appliance.”
After what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.
“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.
Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.
One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.
Must. Smash. Bankers.
Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has finally been spotted in public, running in a loping gait and clutching a femur.
In a security lapse, Balls slipped into an area where the press were present, and touched a mysterious stone monolith left there by a weird alien.
“At that point, Balls made a startling transformation”, one reporter told us. “He stopped flinging his muck, and demonstrated rudimentary tool use.”
The reclusive ‘attack chimp’ first used the bone to scratch at his bottom, before stoving in the head of someone who looked a bit ‘wealthy’.
Balls will now concentrate on trying to learn from history.
Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.
The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.
But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.
“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
Labour’s top mathematician has been accused of editing the wikipedia entry for Nicola Sturgeon, after his name was spotted in several places on her page.
The shadow chancellor admitted to perusing her slot, but only to find out if she’d said anything nice about him.
“I was reading her entry, trying to find out if she likes me, when I suddenly found myself in a ‘text altering’ situation”, said Balls.
“Obviously, this was in between some routine searches for my own name in Google, and I think somewhere along the line, that search engine screwed up.”
Miliband in his “idiot” costume
Ed Miliband is to set out Labour’s plans to cut university tuition fees, funded by a sponsored fun run around the area of Westminster.
Universities UK has warned that limiting the fees to £6,000 per year, instead of the current £9,000, would leave a £10bn funding gap. Mr Miliband, however, is confident that he can raise this figure by asking people to sponsor him to run 5 miles around the streets of Westminster, while dressed as an idiot with a severely limited grasp of economics. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
The spirit was right, if not the geography.
Ed Miliband unveiled a more Caledonian tint to his shadow cabinet today, in an attempt to win back Scottish voters.
Ed McBalls, showing signs of recent gingering and speckled with crumbs of shortbread and scotch egg, has been ordered to ‘get up to Edinburgh’ and ‘go on about haggis or something’.
“I had the idea when the previous Balls gave me a christmas card with a tenner inside”, revealed Miliband. “That’s just enough to register a change of name at the deedpoll office.”
Ed McBalls was chosen for scottishisation because he has a lot in common with Alex Salmond. “His head is pale, round and damp-looking, and he doesn’t like eating vegetables”, revealed Miliband.”He seems angry all the time and he smiles when it’s most likely to cause annoyance.”
“And to cap it all, they’re both incredibly bad at maths.”
How large is the deficit? Errm … at least this big.
Ed Miliband says that giving you and your business more money, whilst simultaneously taking taxes from someone else, will balance the nation’s books during the lifetime of a parliament.
“The next Labour government’s cuts will be kinder, more user-friendly you might say, than those of a Tory government.” said the Labour leader “And friends, that’s partly possible because we aren’t the Nasty Party. But mostly because of our deficit-reduction silver-bullet pledge. Our cuts will only affect … someone else! Should it be silver-bullet, wouldn’t cast-iron sound better?”
Harold resident and ‘Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!’ owner Pippa Delaney was delighted when she heard the news “I hate being taxed. And I love things like Harold’s NHS provision, Harold’s schools and our lovely Harold police, especially PC Flegg.”
“Now that Ed’s promised to ring-fence those important services” a clearly relieved Delaney explained “I’m happy with cuts to other wasteful services used by other people in other places, such as Dunstable. I’m definitely voting Labour now. Miliband is Labour isn’t he?Or is that the other Ed?”
Ms Delaney says she is sure Ed Miliband will wish to speak with her before finalising his election manifesto “I’ve already jotted down all the services I use but I’ve also done some of the other donkey work for him and drawn up a list of other people to tax.”
“Oh bollocks. What do I say now?”
“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.
“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.
Filed under News, Politics
It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.
The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced. “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement the full son-et-lumiere makeover. I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.” The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading
Miliband assured voters he would buy this place, and have it knocked down.
Wearing a facemask of his less unpopular brother David held on with elastic behind the ears, the other Miliband today unveiled Labour’s economic master-plan to the party conference.
Speaking without notes and unrestricted by any obvious sincerity, Ed Miliband soon had the party faithful at the Brighton Centre buzzing. [Buzzing? Is that the things bees do? Check this before publishing Tricia, it might be droning. Or dozing.]
“Conference, friends, at the very vanguard of our One Notion initiatives is company tax reform. We’ll be shifting the balance of corporation tax so as to ease things for the little guy. You know, the weedy chap who was always picked out for bullying by his more charismatic BUT ULTIMATELY MUCH LESS SUCCESSFUL older brother.”