Saving it all for a rainy day.
Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.
“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
Taking one for the team.
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading
The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading
Down to his last 20 million supporters…
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is now so isolated politically that he can only call upon the support of a shadowy group of people known in the UK as “voters”, it emerged today.
Facing certain defeat in the Oldham by-election, Corbyn played a typically dastardly trick in persuading normal English people to come out of their homes in droves to vote for the Labour candidate.
The result, in which Labour scored a huge popular majority with an increased share of the vote, was condemned by commentators as “treason” and “Labour sympathising”.
Sun columnist Ron Liddle explained that Labour hadn’t really won at all, as getting the most votes in a democratic election was no guarantee of fairness, and proved his point with examples from history including Hitler, Stalin, and, confusingly, ABBA’s 1974 Eurovision Song Contest hit “Waterloo”. Continue reading
Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
“I’m not sure what the question was.”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has accidentally supported the Conservative party, after ‘instinctively’ voting against Labour party policy.
“This can happen if you’re a rebel, and you end up in charge”, said a spokesman. “It’s easy to forget that it was you who made the decision in the first place.”
Jeremy Corbyn has rebelled against his party more than 500 times during his career. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell praised him for his consistency, but then changed his mind and called him a ‘scab’.
Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.
Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.
A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.
Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
It is believed that the wreckage washed up on the shores of an Indian Ocean island may belong to the Labour Party which has been missing for several years.
Nothing has been heard from the carrier since it took off with Captain Jeremy Corbyn at the controls. Experts have established that it veered sharply to the left and then disappeared from the radar screens into obscurity. Continue reading
Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!
The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.
Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.
“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading
One of the maniacs who expressed an opinion.
A handful of Labour MPs have caused widespread disgust after voting in parliament in line with their principles.
Supply leader Harriet Harman had urged her MPs not to vote on welfare reforms, because doing so might make them unpopular with traditional tory voters.
“It’s those conservative voters that Labour needs to appeal to in future”, said Harman. “We’re not going to get far if we listen to the little voice inside that says ‘this is wrong, we should object to this with every fibre of our being’.”