Category Archives: War

Spain is ‘quite OK’ with hints of military action over Gibraltar, says Howard

Only *something* of the night?

Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.

“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”

“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, idiots, War

Blair to take political centre-ground: will probably bomb it

Sociopathe will be especially welcome

“a face built for a wicker man”

Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.

The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.

We’re not making this shit up,  Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Russia credits “clear air superiority over hospitals” for recent victories

su34

Hospital porters are no match for this puppy

Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.

“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”

They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading

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Filed under News, War

Tony Blair to close commercial enterprises to focus on war crimes

Pretty straight to the heart

Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.

“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.

“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”

“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”

“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”

When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass  murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.

“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”

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Blairexit: UK to hold referendum on whether to hang or shoot Tony Blair

Blair selfie Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.

Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
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Blair says Chilcot report proves Corbyn lacks the skills to organise an oil war

'The WMD was THIS big'

‘The WMD was THIS big’

Foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair says Jeremy Corbyn lacks the basic skills to organise an oil war, and should resign as Labour leader immediately.

“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.

“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
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Even newts denouncing Ken Livingstone

newty ken

Ken and newt, in happier days

Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.

Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.

In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.

“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”

“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”

“I’m a newt.”

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Filed under Media, News, War

Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

UKIP supporter campaigns against EU by invading Poland

massive_bellend

Massive bell-end

A UKIP supporter has invaded Poland as part of a misguided attempt to campaign against the European Union, it has emerged.

Cab driver Timothy ‘Twatty’ Miller has been slammed for hiring a tank and encroaching into Polish territory, in a mystifying bid to make the point that he was angry about something.

Miller, 99, claimed the invasion is a symbol of “freedom and democracy” and hopes it will encourage floating voters to opt for Brexit in the upcoming EU referendum. No, really.

Police interviewed Mr Miller, pointing out to him that while it was not necessarily illegal to drive a tank, he was nonetheless in grave danger of making himself look like a massive fucking bell-end.

Miller denied he was a fascist, saying: “People want to read that I’m anti-semitic but that is not the truth.”

“The truth is that I’m a massive fucking bell-end.”

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Filed under EU referendum, News, War

Calls for pedestrians to stop chewing gum near the Cenotaph

SOME DRIVERS LOST CONTROL WHILST AVOIDING STROLLING CHEWERS

Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.

“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”

Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.

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Filed under Media, News, Nostalgia, War

Joy turns to despair: It’s not Blair facing Iraq war crime trials

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

“Am I a war criminal? Perhaps I’ll never know.”

Street parties have been cancelled up and down the land, after it emerged that it’s not foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair facing possible trial for Iraqi war crimes, but some of the squaddies from the business end.

At the Squirrel Lickers yesterday, Dan Brooks voiced his frustration.

“Those war crimes idiots can’t see the dunes for the sand. Continue reading

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US stealth ship ‘can play Springsteen a bit quieter’

stealth

BOOOORN IN THE USA, I WAS…oh, sorry.

A new $4bn US ‘stealth’ warship can go into battle almost undetected, thanks to a breakthrough in playing Bruce Springsteen tracks a little quieter.

“Until now, the US Navy has struggled to stealthily police the world’s oceans”, explained marine engineer Chuck Cousteau, “without the enemy picking up traces of ‘Born in the USA’.”

Using a special graphene ‘towel’, the new vessel can ‘muffle’ its PA system, allowing the destroyer to creep around as quietly as a modest jazz frigate.
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Filed under Technology, War

Senior Labour politician Blair ‘unfit’ to face war crimes trial

tony-blair

Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Syrians ask for national flags on bombs so they know who to thank

ukbomb

Morning!

Grateful but confused Syrians say national flags painted on bombs would make it easier to work out which liberating power to thank.

“We just can’t keep up with all the different countries that are sharing their bombs with us. It’s like when you don’t save the little cards on present wrapping-paper” said multiple bomb recipient Hamza Ali.

“A flag painted on the bomb would make it so much easier. Perhaps even design them so they whistle your national anthem as they help clear away our superfluous hospitals and schools.”
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Syria bombing stepped up to protect Leytonstone

leyton

Too close for comfort

Following the terrorist knife attack in Leytonstone, Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to increase the number of Syrian bombing raids “until East London is safe again”.

Police were called to reports of people being attacked at Leytonstone around 19:00 on Saturday. The knifeman reportedly shouted “this is for Syria”. The police have not yet been able to work out what might have motivated the violence.

In a statement to the press, the Prime Minister explained: “This is exactly why we need to bomb Syria more often. What hope is there of stopping these terrible incidents at home unless we flatten a country far, far away?”

“By killing innocent civilians in our futile show of strength, we will doubtless cause these extremists in Britain to give up their fight.”

“We’ll probably gain lots of friends everywhere, too.”

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Syrian children devastated pro-bombing Labour MPs feel bullied

boy rubbleSyrian children are very upset that pictures of them injured and covered in rubble have caused such distress to 66 pro-bombing Labour MPs.

“It’s just awful those MPs feel bullied and upset as the result of my thoughtlessness in going to the playground with my brother and sister just before the missile hit” said Ahmed, aged 11, as he wiped a tear and some bomb dust from his eye.
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Filed under News, War

Labour activists to defeat ISIL by bullying them on Twitter

#itstheonlylanguagetheyunderstand

#itstheonlylanguagetheyunderstand

As Jeremy Corbyn insisted that the fanaticism of ISIL will not be defeated by bombs, party activists claimed they can only be tackled by bullying them on social media.

“Tweeting that they ‘might want to watch out’, or posting their home address on Facebook, will soon undermine their resolve”, explained party activist Seamus Gott.

“Or we could shout the same slogan over and over again outside their bedroom window, all through the night”, Gott mused. “That should get the message across that we don’t value their opinions.”
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WAR – this time it’s different, explains Cameron

image

Not this time, says Dave!

The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.

Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading

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Filed under bombs, Children, War

Rousing bombing display by Red Arrows heals parliamentary rift

red arrows

Oooh! Aaaah! Aaaargh!

The first sortie against Daesh forces in Syria has been applauded across all parties, after it was completed by the Red Arrows streaming patriotic smoke.

The world-famous display team drew croweds of admirers, before accidentally killing a family of seven while flying in the diamond formation.

But the survivors really enjoyed the bit where they flew at each other and swerved at the last minute; “My mum would have loved that”, gasped one survivor, “if she hadn’t been blown up a few seconds earlier.”
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Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather