Category Archives: Sport

Aston Villa found buried beneath Roman Villa

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Waste land may be bought up by NCP.

Following the unearthing of a Roman Villa during a barn conversion job in Wiltshire, the archaeologists had another surprise when they dug up a mosaic floor and found Aston Villa underneath that.

“We knew they were on the verge of relegation,” said Dr David Roberts, an Historic England archaeologist, “but hadn’t quite appreciated just how low a team can go.  This one was buried under a thick layer of alluvial sediment.”

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Filed under Banal History, Dating, Europe, Lost and Found, News, Sport

Local Council launches ‘looking at flowers in the park’ charge

daffodilsbandw

All the yellow has been used up by irresponsible lookers

Following in the footsteps of Stoke Gifford Council, which charges runners using parks they’ve already paid for, Harold council has taken the unprecedented step of introducing a charge for looking at their park’s flowers.

“It’s a scientific fact that looking at daffodils uses up some of their yellow.” explained Councillor Ron Ronsson “By the weekend it’s often been used up Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News, Sport

Leicester City face horrifying prospect of David Cameron becoming a fan

LeicesterLeicester City are poised to secure David Cameron as a fan unless they snap a worrying sequence of victories.

Foxes fans who happily cheered their team on to the verge of the Premier League title are now in a blind panic as they are confronted with the inevitability of David Cameron jumping on the bandwagon.
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Filed under Sport

‘Grand National great success’ says Tesco meat department

TescoNationalThe 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.

Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.

To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of  National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.

This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.

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Filed under Food, Sport

Boxing fans ‘baffled’ about what might cause boxers’ head injuries

boxing_ouch

Fans still hope to discover what leads to boxing injuries

With the welcome news that Nick Blackwell is out of a coma, boxing fans are asking “How on earth did this happen?”

Boxing authorities said the period immediately after Blackwell was pummelled senseless by a barrage of blows to the head, was ‘not the right time’ to investigate the cause of his brain injuries.

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Filed under Health, News, Sport

Hard Water Cup retained by Yorkshire in wet final

The Hard Water Cup.

The Hard Water Cup.

FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall

Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.

The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.

“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Defence, environment, floods, Sport

England wins 6 Nations after ref misses numerous obvious handballs, says Daily Mail

How could the ref miss this handball?

How could the ref miss this handball?

A lucky England has the referee to thank as they completed a 6 Nations Grand Slam despite numerous handballs, according to the Daily Mail’s Chief Football Correspondent Matt Lawson.

Mr Lawson said he didn’t want to diminish England’s triumph, but by his count the referee and his linesmen missed over 100 handballs, with players often blatantly throwing the ball to each other before finally kicking the ball. Add in the penalties that soared over the crossbar, and it was clear England had the rub of the refereeing green.
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Filed under Sport

Nike’s self-tying shoe secret: Each shoe has a 7 year-old child taped to the heel

A little tighter, sir?

Nike says its new ‘HyperAdapt sports sneaker’ uses malnourished Asian ragamuffins to tie the shoe laces of clinically obese western-Europeans.

A spokesperson for the famously ethical shoe-maker explained: “Each pair of shoes has its own pair of Vietnamese orphans, velcroed to their superstructure. For the style-conscious wearer, our deluxe range uses matching identical twins.”

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Filed under Fashion, News, Sport

Schools urged to end Human Cannonball lessons

Sadly missed…

Following a plea from doctors to ban tackling in school rugby on safety grounds, a group of academics has also called on the government to stop children’s human cannonball lessons.

The pastime, which has a near 100% fatality rate, is very popular among some parents and teachers, who say it builds character and is the only way of getting rid of the little bastards.

Rules vary across different parts of the country, but participants are generally loaded into a large cannon and fired at a tiny net some way away. Ofsted have complained that many schools are missing their targets.

Doctors warn that ‘high-impact’ activities like this can cause injuries including fractures, ligamentous tears and dislocated shoulders, although the main cause of death is usually simple ‘flattening’.

Johnny Angry, a PE teacher and father of nine at St Foolhardy’s School for Boys in the village of Harold – where human cannonball is compulsory from the age of 11 – says it provides a challenge.

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Filed under Children, News, Sport

Never mind all that, there’s a guy called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’!

sexwale

Tokyo Sexwale (artist’s impression)

Citizens of the world should ignore their insignificant troubles and rejoice in the fact that there is a man in South Africa called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’, the Evening Harold has learned.

Tokyo Sexwale, the man with the best name in the universe, is the South African candidate in the upcoming FIFA presidential elections.

In case this hasn’t fully sunken in, his name is TOKYO SEXWALE.

SEXWALE…

Tokyo is a mining tycoon and former anti-apartheid campaigner, but these things which would usually be interesting fade into the background next to the fact that his name is ‘Sexwale’.

“His parents, Mr and Mrs Sexwale, are to be greatly applauded for resisting the temptation to name him ‘Brian’,” explained Evening Harold sporting editor Piers Waghorn. “We can only assume they had been reading a lot of Douglas Adams, and the only surprise is that Tokyo’s middle name isn’t ‘Vroomfondel’.”

Charitable people have suggested that the ‘Tokyo’ is merely an attempt by the parents to distract people who meet their son from noticing his surname, but this theory fails to account for the frankly massive cojones of the Sexwales, who clearly didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.

FIFA voters have admitted that they aren’t actually all that bothered about the corruption thing any more, provided they can have a ‘Tokyo Sexwale’ T-shirt.

Realising too late that an outrageous name was a sure way to be voted FIFA president, one of the other candidates has decided to be called “Jerome Champagne”, but this potentially interesting name is nothing when placed alongside the mighty Tokyo Vroonfondel Sexwale.

 

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Filed under Sex, Sport

Ladbrokes’ lost £43m: “We’ll bet our way back into profit”

Ladbrokes

“…we’ll still be holding up our punters by their ankles, to shake out any loose change”

Ladbrokes, one of the the high street’s leading money-hoovering bastards, have posted their worst ever losses, to the delight of the nation’s gambling addicts.

Outgoing CEO, Richard Glynn, explained his simple recovery plan, which will leave his successor in a sound position; guaranteed mate, can’t fail. “Step one, we’ve a £10m accumulator with Betfred, for the first five races at Kempton Park on Saturday. That’s a dead cert so we’ll be well ahead by tea-time”.

“If that doesn’t work and we’ve no reason to think it won’t, step two means  staking all February’s takings on Jeb Bush winning Continue reading

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Filed under Business, News, Sport

Aston Villa will leave EPL in May unless other teams offer significant goal concessions

Prepared for what?

Prepared for what?

Aston Villa will vote to leave the English Premier League in May unless other teams agree to concede a significant number of goals, according to their chairman Steven Hollis.

“We are serious about a May Axit from the EPL unless we get an improved deal from the other teams. We’re not talking one goal here, or two goals there, we need our opponents to concede at least 6 or 7 goals per game for us to remain competitive” said Mr Hollis.
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Liverpool announce signing of fan prepared to pay £77 for a seat

daniel-sturridge_withball

Transferred from Chelsea, now steal balls to make ends meet

Liverpool FC agreed to a transfer deal with Chelsea to sign a marque fan who is happy to pay £77 for a seat.

Liverpool commercial director Ian Ayre said the signing of London stockbroker Gavin Edwards for a fan record transfer fee of £2000 was a key step in strengthening their £77 seat capacity.

“We lack depth in the £77 seat area, Continue reading

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Andy Murray loses birth of daughter to Novak Djokovic

nonak&kim

Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic

Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.

Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.

“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Sport

Jennifer Aniston to present Pot Black

It’s like you’re always stuck behind the brown…

Following the news that former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is to join the Top Gear team, the BBC has announced another coup by signing Jennifer Aniston to present late-night snooker show Pot Black.

“Jennifer is a lifelong fellow cuehead and I’m thrilled she’s joining Pot Black,” said former Embassy World Champion Steve Davis of his new on-screen colleague.

Aniston could barely contain her excitement in an interview for the snooker magazine Balls.

“As a snooker nut and a massive fan of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, I’m honoured and excited to be a part of this iconic show’s new chapter,” she said. “What a thrill!”

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Filed under News, Social media, Sport, TV

Tyson Fury must stop saying things and focus on punching people

tyson_fury_

I’ll stick to punching other men

Oversized misogynist  oaf, Tyson Fury, has been warned by the British Boxing Board of Control; to take his new status as role-model seriously, stop commenting on things in real life, and stick to punching seven shades of shit out of other men.

“Yes, that’s how many shades there are” confirmed a Dulux technician, rejecting Fury’s claim to have discovered an eighth.

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Wayne Rooney sues over £750,000 potato photo

waynepotato

Can’t see the resemblance, myself

Legal representatives of football ace Wayne Rooney have contacted the photographer who recently sold a picture of a potato, demanding that he immediately cease from “ridiculing his client”.

The photograph, which shows a roughly head-shaped potato lightly caked in soil, sold for £750,000 when it was spotted in a London gallery by a rich idiot.

“This is clearly an attempt to ridicule my client,” insisted a spokesman for Rooney.

“It is well-known that certain unpleasant, misguided people have in the past compared Wayne to a potato, and this is just the latest example of this cruel trend.”

“The juxtaposition of vast over-valuation with the muddy root vegetable is hardly subtle, and we think the photographer should be ashamed of himself.”

Photographer Kevin Abosch seemed bemused speaking to journalists this morning.

“It’s a potato,” he muttered, shaking his head. “I have no idea what they are talking about.”

Reporters then showed him a picture of Wayne Rooney.

“Oh my God,” he explained.

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Filed under Art, News, Sport

Asylum seekers forced to wear Man Utd shirts

Man UtdIn the biggest blow to their dignity yet, UK asylum seekers are being clothed in Man Utd shirts.

Asylum seekers have previously been forced to wear red wristbands in Cardiff, and the front doors of their accommodation has been painted red in Birmingham, but that doesn’t compare with the humiliation of being dressed in Man Utd colours, say refugee rights activists.
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Awards blunder sees Andy Murray named Miss Universe

andy-murray-tiara - Copy

Murray overcome with joy

The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.

A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.

“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”

“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

“Should UKIP’s leader be a UKIP MP?” asks UKIP’s MP

Farage-radio

invited onto every single, bloody politics programme

UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.

“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”

Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading

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