George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”
Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.
George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.
Life would be better if we all wore these while about our daily business (maybe not lifeboat crew members)
Clive Morris, Head Teacher at Harold Shining Future Academy and Technology Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive) has been vilified by parents for not sending pupils home for breaching the uniform policy.
Following a flood of stories in popular news publications about teaching staff removing jewellery from pupils and judging their trousers to be too tight, a group of parents gathered outside school to wait for their children to be sent out. Continue reading
“It’s rubbish” say villagers
The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.
Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading
Local entrepreneur and hipster converts Oofy and Lysander Eastof have launched a new business venture, aimed at villagers in Harold who feel the need to break away from the “oppressive rules” of the English language.
“Holm of Homophones” is a one stop boutique for homophones, which can be liberally sprinkled through conversation without anyone but the user knowing.
Sod the red sky at night bollocks, what about his gorgeous hair?
Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.
The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.
“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”
A Harold head teacher has spoken out in defence of the new SATs – described by many as being unnecessarily stressful, pressured and far too advanced, and which reduced some students to tears.
St Mary’s Alison Lee, however, thinks the paper was no more difficult than it needs to be to prepare students for life in current society.
“Parents think that being engaged, inspired little learners will be sufficient for their offspring to succeed, but they’re living in a dream world” said Mrs Lee.
“What sort of mind do you need to have to be able to argue that a super-injunction should hold, even when everyone knows the details of the story in question? How adept at convoluted maths must you be to complete a Panama Papers tax return? These are not skills that are garnered without effort.” Continue reading
Brian: “More and more bloody hipsters, every bloody weekend…”
Harold’s squirrel population are united in their condemnation of hipster publication “The Tree Climber’s Guide”, a manifesto encouraging bored office workers to kick off their shoes and shimmy up the nearest trunk.
Written by old Harrovian Jack Cooke, a man some might say has too much time on his hands, the guide looks set to grace the bookshelves of many a modern city dweller who has forgotten the simple pleasures in life. There are suggestions that “How to play tig” and “Rolling down hills: a manual” are next to be published in the series.
Parents have been taking to social media to vent anger at Channel 5 deciding to show rabbit snuff movie Watership Down on Easter Sunday afternoon.
The cartoon, based on the classic children’s novel, follows the sometimes gory adventures of Hazel and his chums, as they try to find a new home.
It features a terrifying ghost rabbit, a spooky song performed in Art Garfunkel’s best falsetto, and some bloodthirsty terriers. Continue reading
He’ll huff and he’ll puff … oh, hold on, that’s the other one
Harold resident Carol Mutter has put her home on the market just 6 weeks after moving in, following sightings of a “ghostly monster” in her son’s nursery.
The property, which sadly for Carol has no mysterious past, was a new build when Carol bought it. Thinking she had found the perfect home for herself and her 9 month old son, Jeremy, Carol soon became aware of a supernatural presence.
“At first I thought I was just imagining things” said Carol. “Sometimes I would be woken in the early hours of the morning by a crying noise. Other times I would leave Jeremy with his dinner, only to find it had been flung about the room when my back was turned. This one time, he even ended up with spaghetti all over his head, that really freaked me out.”
Bishop Richard about to body-slam an invisible, clean-shaven priest
Clergy in Harold have been advised to grow beards to emphasise their commitment to hipsters, the Bishop of London has suggested.
Rt Reverend Richard Chartres said that Harold risks falling behind areas like Shoreditch, where bushy beards, lumberjack cassocks and artisanal breads at communion have helped Continue reading
Following the revelation that the average UK family will have at least 5 fights on Christmas day – with the first one at an impressively precise 10.13am – we asked Harold’s relationship guru and all round sage advice giver, Brenda Ferguson, how to avoid stress this festive season.
“Most arguments follow a predictable pattern” said Brenda. “Having studied these closely over the last few minutes, I have been able to come up with a foolproof way to diffuse nasty situations and restore harmony.” Continue reading
Local killjoys, who couldn’t stand the sound of children playing next door, now face a fine for installing a device that, when activated, sent the youngsters scampering back to the safety of their computer screens.
Mr and Mrs Green read about anti-loitering equipment online, and decided to fashion their own to counter the sounds of joyful enthusiasm coming from next door’s garden.
“I don’t mind children” said Mr Green, “but they should be seen and not heard. It got so bad that we couldn’t sit out in the garden without hearing them laugh or politely ask their mum if they could help with anything.”
Filed under News, Society
“How are we supposed to see it? Walk on the water?”
Harold’s team of dedicated theology students leapt in to action at the weekend on hearing that the Holy Ghost had been seen in the mud of the River Hamble.
Unfortunately, they were disappointed to discover nothing more than the wreck of an ancient war ship, rather than the third member of the Godhead.
Need no batteries
In a surprising move, Harold’s largest book retailer is to stop selling electrical goods and replace them with books.
James Daunt, the managing director of Musty Books, said: “We were told that paper was old hat and the future was in stuff that could be plugged in, especially from Amazon”.
“So we shifted out the paperbacks to the local Oxfam, and stocked up on microwaves, irons, kitchenaids and nutribullets Continue reading
Left Twix or Righ Twix?
A relaxed and tanned Duchess of Cambridge has made her first solo official visit since the birth of Princess Charlotte in May.
Sporting a smart new fringe, the Duchess, 33, visited the Anna Freud Centre to learn how the charity is working to help young people with mental health issues.
“It really gave me something to think about, seeing someone so effortlessly beautiful Continue reading
Not even slightly convincing.
A visitor to Harold who was thought to be performing a sex act on her boyfriend when she was in fact just waking him up, has been arrested for leading the village on.
Lou-Anne Buck told PC Flegg “the rules in Harold are bizarre”,
after being detained next to the village bandstand with her boyfriend Barry Marston in her grasp.
Music fans, including children, gathered to watch as the pair appeared to get it on. Witness Kevin Smith was so aroused that he even filmed the couple on his mobile phone.
Grylls demonstrates his new bouquet garni rucksack.
TV adventurer and annoying twat Bear Grylls was at the centre of an animal cruelty row last night as it emerged he was specially shipped to an island to be slaughtered by contestants on his show for “entertainment”.
Viewers were distressed by the scene in which the sleeping Bear was captured and killed on camera.
Animal rights campaigners claim the Bear was not afraid of people, and would not have run away when threatened.
“I would happily have you boiled down and sold for glue.”
Local police have warned against scam artists using condescending accents after receiving a spate of complaints.
“There have been several cases of plausible individuals door-stepping pensioners in the area”, said PC Flegg. “They appear uninvited, sometimes following an unsolicited brochure, email or telephone call.”
“Having made contact, they then apply pressure to take up an offer, saying it’s only available for a short period of time. They’re clever and convincing, but the old adage applies: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”