Tag Archives: waitrose

by | September 1, 2015 · 1:00 pm

Waitrose introduces artisan traffic wardens

carpark waitroseWaitrose have added a level of sophistication to parking enforcement with the introduction of artisan traffic wardens.

Waitrose spokesman Clive Edmonds says its artisan traffic wardens will issue bespoke parking tickets catering both to people new to parking infringing and also to the serious connoisseur of overstaying.

“Our artisans will hand craft parking tickets in silver-rich pewter, individually forged according to a centuries-old formula, and then put them on customer’s windscreens when they are one minute late” said Edmonds.
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by | January 12, 2015 · 7:00 am

First Waitrose service station will sell sparkling diesel with twist of jasmine

waitrose fuel

They’ll even fill your tyres with hot air.

With milk now cheaper than water in some supermarkets, and petrol also cheaper than water in all of them, Waitrose are hoping to inspire shoppers to treat themselves with fancier fuel.

Offering a range of sparkling diesels and EC-compliant fruit-scented petrols, the first Waitrose service station is already drawing a queue of discerning motorists.

“People take petrol for granted, now that you can buy a litre of ‘cooking unleaded’ for under a quid”, said Rupert Thomas, Marketing Director.

“But a hint of jasmine or jojoba oil from your tailpipe lets those behind you know that you favour a more select way of burning your money.”
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by | December 1, 2014 · 10:00 am

Black Friday chaos continues with passive / aggressive jibe in aisle 3 of local Waitrose

waitrosePolice were nearly called to the Harpenden Waitrose after a conversation between two customers over who should have the last jar of sacla organic pesto ended with a passive / aggressive jibe.

“The debate seemed civilised at first, with what seemed like routine pleasantries”, said Waitrose assistant manager Julie Fleck.

“But then the slightly older lady took the jar and said ‘it goes with your hair’ and then ‘you need it more than me’ as she placed it in the slightly younger lady’s trolley. The slightly older lady then marched off to aisle 4 and bought 10 blocks of our most expensive cheeses.”
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by | October 15, 2014 · 3:30 pm

Waitrose trial bouncers in stores to keep out ‘wrong sort of customer’

I don't care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you're not coming in

I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in

Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.

The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading →

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by | October 13, 2014 · 7:00 am

‘Please stop sending us green tokens’, charities tell Waitrose

waitrose-community-matters-token-boxCharities helped by shoppers from the supermarket Waitrose have written to the company to ask them to stop sending donations as they “now have more than enough green plastic tokens to be getting on with.”

The scheme run by the supermarket sees shoppers swap the guilt of paying £15 for a bunch of six organic, corn-fed bananas, ripened in the armpits of a small foreign child, for the chance to donate green tokens to the charity of their choice as part of their ‘community matters’ initiative. Continue reading →

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by | May 15, 2014 · 7:17 am

Potato ‘proud to be for sale in Waitrose’

poshveg

Feeling chipper.

Jeremy, a white, middle-sized potato, has spoken of his pride after being selected by Waitrose.

Despite tough competition from migrant sweet potatoes, a Jerusalem artichoke and two swedes, Jeremy made it to the prime eye-level shelf opposite a kumquat and a pre-washed bistro salad.

“My teachers always said I’d amount to nothing more than the crust on an Aldi fish pie”, revealed Jeremy.
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by | January 5, 2014 · 1:30 pm

Local MP caught using secret tunnels to help him appear normal

1506402_10151928599423149_352713619_nThe MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, has had to admit trying to make his family seem “as common as constituents” by linking working class establishments to more upper class alternatives with a link of tunnels running under the village.

The Conservative member of parliament can often be seen posing for pictures dropping his children off at the gates to the local state school. However, the moment his children enter the school they are ushered away from the other children and taken through one of the tunnels on a chauffeur driven Segway to a £4000-a-term private school three miles away.

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by | October 22, 2013 · 7:00 am

Supermarkets to cut down on food waste by no longer selling stupid stuff

You have never and you will never need one of these.

You have never and you will never need one of these.

Following an announcement by Tesco yesterday that it’s dropping some of its promotions in order to prevent food waste British supermarkets have vowed to stop selling stupid stuff.

‘Apparently four million tonnes of food that’s perfectly edible, and I mean proper edible not food you’d maybe donate to a food bank then feel slightly guilty about, is thrown away in Britain each year,’ said Sue Gordon, spokesperson for the British Association of Supermarket Retailers. ‘Our members which include every major chain looked at the problem in depth and realised much of this could be avoided if they simply stopped selling stupid stuff. I mean did you know Waitrose sell ostrich eggs that cost nearly twenty quid each. Ostrich eggs! Have we all lost our minds?’ Continue reading →

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by | June 21, 2013 · 11:30 am

Snobby villagers welcome new unaffordable housing development

The "Downton"

The “Downton”

Developers plans for  ‘an exclusive estate of executive homes’ received a warm welcome from villagers at a public meeting yesterday, provided that the prices of the new homes were prohibitively high enough to deter ordinary people from moving to Harold.

At a public meeting attended by the self-appointed great and the good of the village, chaired by Councillor Ron Ronsson, villagers expressed their delight that the homes, which start with an unreasonable price tag of £849,999, will attract the “right sort of people” to the village making their dream of a Harold branch of Waitrose come a little closer to reality. Continue reading →

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