Tag Archives: Tony Blair

by rickw | April 7, 2015 · 7:03 am

Huge boost for Tories as Blair backs Miliband

Oh bugger.

The Conservative party received a massive boost to its election chances today as Tony Blair came out in support of Labour’s Ed Miliband.

The two parties had been running neck and neck in the polls, but following the former Prime Minster’s announcement, the Conservatives’ “Blair bump” saw them race to an impressive 99% lead over Labour.

“Sometimes you just get lucky,” admitted a grinning David Cameron, speaking to journalists while taking a break from painting victory banners and measuring bunting. “Miliband must be gutted, the poor sod. ‘Tony’s unqualified admiration and support’ – what an absolute disaster for anyone.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Election 2015, Labour

Tagged as David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Election 2015, satire, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | March 16, 2015 · 1:56 am

Blair steps back as Peace Envoy: peace in Middle East back on track

The face of someone who’s been visited by the three ghosts but didn’t get the Christmas morning redemption

Stranger to reality and best friend to human rights abusing dictators the world over, Tony Blair, is to step back from his role as Peace Envoy in the Middle East. Citizens of Palestine and Israel have breathed a sigh of relief and spoken of a renewed belief in the process now it won’t be held back by the presence of a man who in the course of his political career has done as much for peace as Jack the Ripper did for feminism. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, Middle East, peace envoy, Tony Blair

by waylandsmithy | March 4, 2015 · 7:00 am

“Save The Children” severs links with “Bomb The Children”

Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.

A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.

“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.

“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”

“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
Continue reading →

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Filed under Children, Politics, War

Tagged as Afghanistan, bombs, idiots, iraq, Save The Children, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | February 5, 2015 · 6:57 am

Labour pay Tony Blair to stay in a cupboard until May

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The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.

Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.

“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Election 2015, News

Tagged as Ed Miliband, Evening Harold, labour, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | January 24, 2015 · 4:33 am

Shock as sociopathic leader revealed to have been chums with Gaddafi

“…I’ve been with you such a long time, You’re my sunshine…”

Tent-loving dead bloke Muammar Gaddafi was friends with Tony Blair. A revelation that has done profound damage to the former President of Libya’s posthumous reputation.

“Gaddafi would be horrified to know that the world has become aware he was pen pals with a war-mongering religious fanatic,” Libyan reporter Moha Hassan Maziq told us. “To have his name linked publicly with such a controversial figure would’ve been a cause of great sadness and concern.” Continue reading →

2 Comments

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Tagged as Colonel Gaddafi, Evening Harold, letters, peace envoy, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | December 2, 2014 · 5:36 am

Blair’s Christmas card proves 160 year old theory

“After forty every man gets the face he deserves” – Abraham Lincoln

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Tagged as Christmas card, Evening Harold, Tony Blair

by waylandsmithy | October 14, 2014 · 8:34 pm

Terror suspect ‘lived at Blair address’

The court artist ‘vomited like an Ebola victim’ as she attempted to make this sketch.

A terror suspect accused of carrying out ‘indiscriminate killings’ lived at an address that started with ‘Mr and Mrs Blair’s house’.

The revelation was made during a trial at the Old Bailey. Jurors were shown a video of a 61 year-old man speaking with a transatlantic accent, posing on holiday and telling locals that he was once ‘really popular, actually’.

The suspect was ‘hiding in plain sight’ according to prosecutors, in a ‘massive house’ containing paintings of himself and his ‘frankly awful’ wife.

“These were obviously planned, because colossal portraits don’t happen by accident”, said Prosecutor Cherie Blair. “And the one over the fireplace really captures my good side. Not one of them is a water colour and all of them bear the hallmark ‘A Pretty Straight Kinda Peace Envoy’. I put it to you that you’re obsessed with oils.”
Continue reading →

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Filed under Crime, Politics

Tagged as court, terrorism, Tony Blair, war criminal

by Max C-F | September 22, 2014 · 11:24 am

“First, deploy ground troops”: Tony Blair’s guide to love-making

Tony’s is a strange sort of war-face

Tony Blair, Middle East peace envoy and man with the most erroneous job title in history, has published a guide to better sex on his Tony Blair Faith Foundation website. In it he says that he has discovered that the secret to being a great lover is to be near constantly trying to start a war. “War in the desert really hots things up in the bedroom,” he writes. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, iraq, Isis, peace envoy, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | September 3, 2014 · 6:51 am

Tony Blair wins Philanthropist of the Year award (seriously)

Proof

Tony Blair won the GQ Philanthropist of the Year award and picked up his prize in person.

In his acceptance speech he said. “I would like to dedicate this award to the people that work with and for my organisations. I feel the pulse of progress beating a little harder.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, GQ, philanthropist of the year, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | August 25, 2014 · 3:38 pm

Tony Blair now giving PR advice to Satan

They bonded over a shared love of the Bee Gees and free holidays

Currently under fire for advising Kazakhstan’s President Nursultan Nazarbayev on how to spin the murder of unarmed protesters, Tony Blair has come clean about another controversial client of his: Satan. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev, Satan, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | August 4, 2014 · 7:00 am

Tony Blair eats spiders, makes prank calls: Faith Foundation exposed in new book

Tony Blair the oil painting: they say the self-righteousness follows you around the room

An ex-employee of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation, Martin Bright, has written about his former boss’ bizarre behaviour in a new book. Inside the foundation’s base, a posh tower block in the West End known as The Messiah Complex, Blair exposes staff to shocking scenes. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Evening Harold, Martin Bright, The Tony Blair Faith Foundation, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | July 16, 2014 · 7:00 am

Israel and Hamas continue to do the same thing over and over again but expect different results

At least Banjo here has fun with his futile gesture

There is a growing suspicion this morning that endlessly bombing each other may not be a road to lasting peace in Israel and Palestine.

“I’m no expert,’ said Harold pensioner Joan Hambleton. “But the situation out there makes Westeros look like Moominland.” Continue reading →

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Filed under International News

Tagged as Gaza, Hamas, Israel, rockets, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | July 12, 2014 · 11:00 am

Israel and Gaza violence worsens: peace envoy urgently needed

Or maybe not

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Filed under International News

Tagged as Evening Harold, Gaza, Israel, Palestine, peace envoy, Tony Blair

by rickw | June 16, 2014 · 11:00 am

‘But I must have more blood’ says Blair

Pretty straight guy

Prince of Darkness and Supreme Evil Being Tony Blair has insisted that the West should again go to war in Iraq to provide him with a supply of the fresh blood of the innocents which he needs to retain his youth and immortality.

Commentators from across the political spectrum have denounced the returning of troops to the country as absolute insanity, but Blair is adamant that a resumption of conflict is the only way he he will be able to gorge on the human blood he so desperately craves.

“Look, I’m a pretty straight guy,” he explained to reporters this morning. “And, you know, my blood lust shall be sated. Great.”

Continue reading →

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Filed under International News, Politics, War

Tagged as blood, Evening Harold, Tony Blair, vampire, war

by Max C-F | June 15, 2014 · 7:34 am

Villagers fear being sent to the Hague after Blair says ‘we’ aren’t to blame for Iraq crisis

It’s no use looking up there, Tone. God’s not the slightest bit impressed.

There is fear and confusion on the streets of Harold this morning following the publication of an essay on Iraq by Tony Blair. In it the former PM states that “We have to liberate ourselves from the notion that ‘we’ have caused this.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Tagged as Evening Harold, iraq, Tony Blair, Tony Blair Faith Foundation, war

by Max C-F | June 13, 2014 · 7:00 am

Panic as Tony Blair offers to bring peace to Iraq

Will he ever go away? No, he will never go away

There was panic across the globe last night when Tony Blair slithered out from under his rock and demanded the chance to bring peace to Iraq.

“People say I did a bad job last time,” Blair said, “but that’s not true. What with the speaking engagements, consultancies and peace envoy duties I’ve gotten off the back of it I’ve made myself very rich indeed. Job well done say I.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under International News

Tagged as Barack Obama, Evening Harold, iraq, Tony Blair

by waylandsmithy | June 10, 2014 · 7:00 am

Ed Miliband ‘will win back voters’ by using more Blair hand gestures

Miliband hopes to be loved by the nation as much as Blair is.

Ed Miliband has pledged to win back support from disaffected voters by adopting more of Tony Blair’s trademark hand gestures.

With the backs of his hands pushed out in front of him making a sort of odd scooping gesture, advisors insisted Miliband looked more statesman-like, more believable and more sincere.

“This one is called the ‘honesty gates'”, said Miliband, “I’m pushing them in your face. Can you feel yourself warming to me? The focus groups predicted that you would.”

Continue reading →

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Filed under Media, Politics, Showbusiness

Tagged as body language, Ed Miliband, focus group, hand gestures, spin doctor, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | May 30, 2014 · 7:00 am

Chilcot Inquiry whitewash: No truth please, we’re British

The world’s worst Morecambe & Wise tribute act takes to the stage

There was widespread relief last night when it was revealed that the Chilcot Inquiry won’t include any details of Tony Blair and George Bush’s conversations, letters, and notes from the period of build-up to the Iraq war.

“I’m delighted,” said villager Nick Stalling of Harold’s Bravo Company, Royal Dunstable Regiment Rifle Platoon TA. “I served two tours out there with the Rifles. Placing it in some sort of context and allowing grieving families to know the truth about why their loved ones died would only cheapen the whole thing.” Continue reading →

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Tagged as Chilcot Inquiry, Evening Harold, George Bush, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | May 21, 2014 · 6:30 am

Tony Blair doing “a good job” leading Labour Party says Ed Miliband

Sharing a moment: Tony Blair and Ed Miliband

With political tensions running high ahead of the European elections Ed Miliband continues to prove that he’s as good at interviews as your mum is at saying to no to sailors. Continue reading →

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Tagged as Ed Miliband, Evening Harold, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | May 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

New warning for Scotland: become independent and you’ll be responsible for Tony Blair

You want to know where he got those scars? Sorry, wrong man. For some reason we were thinking about The Joker

With just four months until the referendum Scotland has been warned of a new consequence of independence: Tony Blair.

“The Yes campaigners are constantly bigging up famous and influential Scots,” said Better Together spokesperson Lydia Tanner. “Well, if Scotland becomes independent it will be responsible for arguably the most influential Scot of them all and must embrace Tony Blair as one of its own.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Politics

Tagged as 2014 referendum, Andy Murray, Evening Harold, Scottish Independence, Tony Blair

Tag Archives: Tony Blair

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