Tag Archives: Evening Harold
Ghost of Christmas Future not bothering to visit PM this year
Future says it’ll stay in and binge watch ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ instead
Stopped clock that doesn’t tell the right time twice a day, Theresa May, will not be visited by a fourth ghost this year due to the utter pointlessness of the gesture. Continue reading
Comments Off on Ghost of Christmas Future not bothering to visit PM this year
Filed under Christmas
Research shows bad things not made worse by ‘happening at Christmas’
Imagine being stuck in a lift with this prick – at Christmas
Despite tosh spouted by idiots, losing a loved one to cancer, being made redundant, or finding oneself stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan aren’t made worse by the event’s proximity to 25th December, research has found.
“Any of those is a bugger” agreed project lead Dr Rachel Guest “though Morgan would be especially unwelcome, particularly in the run up to … no forget that”.
Guest found other evidence-free folk beliefs were common amongst those surveyed.
“One man’s mum had died the day before and he insisted ‘there’s a new star in the firmament today’ whilst pointing at Eridanus-Capricon vii, a massive ball Continue reading
Government still full of wankers
The lot of them
Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.
In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.
“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.
“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”
“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”
Daily Mail Editor sectioned after Government loses EU vote
Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days
The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.
“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.
“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading
Call for ‘next Winston Churchill’ to be played by a woman
Couldn’t Glenn Close have played the part just as well? Or Bette Midler.
The UK premiere of The Darkest Hour, the latest biopic of Winston Churchill, brings with it fresh calls for a woman to play the part of the legendary British wartime leader.
“Gary Oldman is certainly a great actor” says Evening Harold film critic, Mariella Buss-Stop “but you can’t escape the fact that he’s still another middle-aged white man. And how they let him onto Air Force One Continue reading
Comments Off on Call for ‘next Winston Churchill’ to be played by a woman
Filed under Entertainment, News
Viking booze raid: hornéd helmeted ones go hipster
A booze war was brewing in Harold last night, after Viking, Nils Østergård, submitted an application to Harold’s Licensing and Planning departments for ‘pop-up, artisanal, mead Shoppes’
Mr Østergård told The Evening Harold, “We’ve been brewing our own mead at our micro-brewery site for a number of years now, and had been content with only supplying our product for Viking social events.” Looking ruggedly, and wistfully, out over the River Gluggle, he continued, “But as the trend for arsey, over-priced bottles of ale with twigs in has grown, so has our Viking desire to take over the world. In this case, it’s the world of poncy alcoholic drinks. Our selection of meads are available in both bottles and animal horns, and we’d like to remind our customers to rape and pillage responsibly.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold
England’s pub brawl XI hit by further unseemly ‘cricketing’ incident
Captured on camera, Duckett shamelessly ‘playing cricket’
England’s pub-brawlers are facing another crisis, as yet another member of the squad has been suspended, pending an inquiry into an alleged incident of cricketing.
Earlier in the troubled tour, Jonny Bairstow was accused of ‘wicket-keeping’ when he should have been head-butting one of the Australian team. However, even before the team left the UK England’s talismanic all-rounder Ben Stokes, was captured by security cameras, playing French-cricket in Continue reading
Comments Off on England’s pub brawl XI hit by further unseemly ‘cricketing’ incident
Filed under Sport
PM’s intervention secures last-minute deal, agreeing to all the EU’s demands
… time to get onto thrashing out terms of UK’s final surrender.
Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.
“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading
“Yes, that’s all gone very well in Jerusalem” says Donald Trump
They’re probably just playing games for fun
Donald Trump says recognising Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has gone very well. “It’s all gone very well” he said today.
“Some folks said there’d be riots, all that sort of thing but nothing’s happening out there, I know that for sure, and everything’s gone very well.”
Right wing US Christian fundamentalists have welcomed the move from their almost-beyond-satirising Continue reading
“No, I haven’t done my homework. I thought I’d just lie about it.” says Davis
his laptop crashed and the dog ate it anyway
David Davis told the EU select committee this morning that he’d ‘completely forgot’ to do his EU homework which was set for him 15 months ago.
Last week Mr Davis handed in a huge set of papers with lots of crossings out, explaining that it was the homework but that Boris Johnson had scribbled on it.
The week before that he said his laptop had crashed and the electricity cut off at home, so he couldn’t have done it “and the dog had eaten it Continue reading
Comments Off on “No, I haven’t done my homework. I thought I’d just lie about it.” says Davis
Filed under breaking news, Brexit, News
Stay in the USA: world imposes travel ban on the Elf on the Shelf
Can’t think of a funny caption. It’s freaking us out
There is relief across the globe this morning as the UN has confirmed that the Elf on the Shelf is now subject to a global travel ban on the grounds that it is horribly creepy shite. Continue reading
Comments Off on Stay in the USA: world imposes travel ban on the Elf on the Shelf
Filed under International News
“So, is this how it’s going to be then?” asks Meghan Markle, after her first full-on week with the British media
Four more years of Donald Trump suddenly doesn’t seem so bad
An intelligent, articulate American woman has had her first real taste of the numbing void inhabited by the Daily Mail and its readers.
Some newspapers considered weighty matters this last week, such as economic implications of Brexit for the car industry.
Mail readers however, were invited to assess the merits of a woman they’ll never meet, based on grainy school photos and half-remembered or fully-invented anecdotes of Continue reading
‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit
I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.
Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.
“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading
Comments Off on ‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit
Filed under News
Trump to start World War III to distract everyone from links with Russia
We’ll be fine in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, we’ve played the arse out of Fallout 4
Comments Off on Trump to start World War III to distract everyone from links with Russia
Filed under International News
Daft ‘head of NHS England’ moaning about cash again
Would you trust this man? Our money is on Jeremy Hunt
Some daft idiot, who says he’s ‘head of NHS England’ or something like that, has only gone and banged on again about a so-called funding crisis.
Not content with threatening longer waiting lists if Her Majesty’s Chancellor didn’t provide enough cash in the Budget, this clown Simon Stevens then has the brass neck to Continue reading
Comments Off on Daft ‘head of NHS England’ moaning about cash again
Filed under NHS
Never mind the Brexit, here’s the Royal Family
Hooray, now no one has to do any thinking about anything for months.
The entire Cabinet dropped to their knees and wept tears of joy this morning as the National Distraction Machine aka the House of Windsor provided it with a perfect and enduring smokescreen. Continue reading
Comments Off on Never mind the Brexit, here’s the Royal Family
Filed under Royals
Archbishop of York’s dog collar ‘only partly’ responsible for Mugabe going
Narsil, the Dog Collar that was broken
Archbishop John Sentamu has modestly played down the role of his dog collar in the downfall of Robert Mugabe.
Sentamu refused to wear a dog collar for almost a decade, in protest against the Zimbabwean President remaining in post.
“It was tough at times.” admitted Sentamu on the Andrew Marr show. “Times when I wondered if it was worth the pain and wanted to give up. Somehow my collar convinced me Continue reading
UK unsure if budget means it’s merely been given a pleasing low down tingle or a right royal seeing to
Whatever it is, Mrs May seems to like it
Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.
Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading
Jacob Rees-Mogg says that as divorce is un-Catholic, so is any EU divorce bill
Jacob hanging on to a majority in his constituency
Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”
The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading
You must be logged in to post a comment.