by | April 26, 2018 · 12:47 pm

Amber Rudd explains her cock-ups ‘I’ve no idea what I’m doing’

Not a clue “Hope that helps.”

Mobile catastrophe Amber Rudd says the reason her ministry is such a mess is that she hasn’t got a clue how it works. “Hope that helps.” she told the House of Commons this morning.

Ms Rudd was addressing the House in order to correct an impression she may have inadvertently given a select committee yesterday i.e. that she’s on top of her ministerial brief.

“After watching TV coverage of my evidence to the committee last night, I had a bit of a panic Continue reading →

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by | April 23, 2018 · 6:01 pm

Amber Rudd confirms royal baby will be deported as immigrant family doesn’t have the right paperwork

“How will we support three children when neither of has a job?” Wonders Kate

The Home Secretary, Amber Rudd says that just as soon as the new royal baby is named he will be deported. Despite being asked repeatedly, none of the Windsor family has come up with any pay slips for over 92 years and now, it seems, Ms Rudd has had enough.

“Time and time again we’ve asked the Windsors to prove they entered the UK legally, and have been working and paying their taxes Continue reading →

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by | · 12:00 am

Millionaire egotist crashes NHS, then lectures social media on morality

It’s    all    someone    else’s    fault

A multi-millionaire with no moral compass or sense of irony has given social media companies a damn good talking to about their social responsibilities.

Destroyer-of-worlds, Health and Social Care Secretary Jeremy Hunt, chose not to fund children’s mental health services properly, freeing him up to look elsewhere to explain the mismatch between Continue reading →

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by | April 17, 2018 · 9:31 pm

PM sorry if her Blacks Go Home policy was ‘somehow misunderstood’

‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?

Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.

Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine Continue reading →

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by | April 16, 2018 · 7:15 pm

May ‘within her rights to do a poo on Corbyn’s head’

“This long”

Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.

“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading →

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by | April 14, 2018 · 8:12 pm

After years of missed NHS standards, Jeremy Hunt is referred to parliamentary standards commissioner for not filling in a form

I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.

Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.

Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.

“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.

“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”

“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”

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by | April 9, 2018 · 7:40 pm

Police cuts aren’t linked to rising crime so Amber Rudd gives up her own security officers

“The less I know, the better I like it. Don’t bother me with facts.”

“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”

Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading →

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by | April 2, 2018 · 5:39 pm

Pardew says he ‘would consider’ underperforming with another new club

What are your chances of managerial success, Alan?

Perennial managerial failure and Babel Fish in human form, Alan Pardew, believes his work with West Bromwich Albion is complete, so he’s prepared to think about sending another team plummeting into the Championship next season.

“I’ve done all that I can to ensure the Baggies go down so, with nothing left to do here it’s time I moved on to find another club looking to get into the Championship.”

“Admittedly most of those clubs will be in League One at the moment but I’ve always approached things from another perspective. My dream is to take a Premier League club all the way to League Two but very few clubs have the vision to see that through”

“I’m looking for a team, battered by their current useless manager and thus with low expectations.” said Pardew “So it’s either West Ham or, if they still remember me from the last time I was there, it’ll have to be Everton.”

“Have I been there yet?”

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by | March 24, 2018 · 8:32 pm

Airwick launches Airwick Skunk, to give ‘calming ambience’ for pet owners

“I at first replied, when a loving flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes”

Following successful trials of its various pet-calming vapours, Airwick has launched ‘Airwick Skunk’, which provides a broadly similar, soporific effect for the pets’ owners.

“You’re my best mate, man.” insisted Harold stoner Adam Cassidy yesterday, before adding “No, really. Are these your chips, can we order a pizza?”

The calming effect of Lavender, Jasmine, Cinnamon and Rosemary are already well-established in the Mumsnet, Yoga and Pilates communities but a good toke on some serious weed has often been overlooked in recent years, not least Continue reading →

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by | · 1:38 am

Owen Smith sacked for having idea that makes Labour electable

Owen Smith: if he was serious about Brexit he’d have something written on the side of a bus

Jeremy Corbyn last night sacked Owen Smith from the Shadow Cabinet for suggesting an idea that could win Labour votes.

Continue reading →

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by | March 22, 2018 · 9:25 pm

Gateshead passport printer De La Rue loses contract for ‘sounding a bit French’

Oops, wrong one. Well they all look the same, don’t they.

Comedy and Tragedy were blended together today in the Tory soup-maker to produce the finest ironic Brexit Smoothie yet.

Franco-Dutch firm Foux da fa fa et un homme qui s’appelle Lars have been awarded the contract to print the UK’s new non-EU passport, after Jacob Rees-Mogg said the existing Gateshead firm De La Rue ‘sounded a bit French’.

“The writing was on the wall,” he said. “Well, on a brass plate on the wall, anyway.”

Brexiteers’ heads have been exploding as they grapple between the desire to keep foreign hands off sovereign matters and the freedom to trade where we want. Continue reading →

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by | March 21, 2018 · 6:00 pm

Kippers throw Farage into the Thames

Following Nigel Farage’s protest about the UK government giving in to the EU by throwing fish into the Thames, the oily specimen found himself in the same boat when a dozen kippers rounded on him and dumped him in the choppy waters.

“He’s always banging on about self-determination,” said a spokesfish for the North Sea inhabitants, “but nobody’s bothered to ask us for our views.”

Totally wet and spineless, Nigel Farage is famous for having attended only one of over forty EU Fisheries Committee meetings as an MEP. Continue reading →

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by | March 20, 2018 · 6:30 pm

Sir Ringo Starr ‘never heard of The Beatles’

“The Who?”

Newly knighted Ringo Starr says he remembers ’k all about the nineteen sixties, let alone who the bands were back then.

“Never heard of him,” he replied when asked whether it had been a long wait to catch up with Paul McCartney in the Honours stakes.

Sir Ringo described his knighthood ceremony as ‘surreal’.

“I went down on one knee and asked the Duke if he’d marry me. Then somebody spoke and I went into a dream.” Continue reading →

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by | · 2:44 pm

Information Commissioner to launch surprise raid at Cambridge Analytica ‘by the weekend’, to forestall any evidence tampering

We believe in transparency. See this box?

The UK’s Information Commissioner is to apply for a warrant “pretty darned soon”, so her team can search Cambridge Analytica’s offices before staff there even suspect they’re coming.

“Secrecy here is the key,” said Commissioner Elizabeth Denham, speaking live on BBC, Sky and ITV throughout the day “so I’m trusting you to keep this under wraps Continue reading →

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by | March 19, 2018 · 10:00 am

Putin ‘over the moon’ with talent show win

Gobsmacked.

“I was gobsmacked when they told me I won,” said magician Vladimir Putin. “It hasn’t fully sunk in yet, I’m speechless.”

The shock result was announced just hours after voting closed.

“He won by a landslide,” said his agent, “beating both the unicyclist juggler and the fire-eating sword-swallower who made it through to the final round. They simply couldn’t match his magic.”

“As a child, I used to dream of winning Stars in Their Eyes,” said Mr Putin, “but it was not until I joined the KGB that I seriously started to play with smoke and mirrors, before moving on to develop my own unique style of magic.” Continue reading →

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by | March 17, 2018 · 2:45 pm

Boris Johnson to be swapped for Russian doll in tit-for-tat exchange

Put in.

With tensions rising between Westminster and the Kremlin, the UK government is planning to send the Foreign Secretary to Russia.

Kremlin officials say they will respond robustly and send a Russian doll to sit on Mrs May’s desk.

Amid fears that the hollow wooden character might arrive full of toxic shite, security has been tightened at Moscow airport. Continue reading →

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by | March 16, 2018 · 8:05 am

UK citizens urged to cut off noses to take control of their face

Suppositories in human form

Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have urged everybody in the UK to cut off their noses to take control of their face.

Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.

“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.
Continue reading →

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by | March 15, 2018 · 9:35 am

England’s new strip ‘not exactly ideal’ says Southgate

Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.

The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.

“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading →

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by | March 13, 2018 · 6:45 pm

Donald Trump sacks himself

“Fired!”

With no-one else left in the White House, former President Trump sacked himself this afternoon, he confirmed in a tweet.

“I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry anymore,” he said, after catching sight of himself in a mirror.

Cleaner Jose Mortimer has temporarily taken the reins.

“There’s no-one here at the moment,” he told Boris Johnson, “but if you’d like to leave a message, please do so after the beep. Beep.”

Political commentators worrying about a US power vacuum were immediately reassured by Mortimer.

“No problem,” he said, “I use a Riccar Premium Radiance.”

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by | · 9:40 am

PM ‘calmer’ after Putin sends a smiley

World War Three is back on hold after Putin put a smiley face on Mrs May’s newsfeed.

“The Prime Minister acknowledged that the smiley was a very sweet gesture in response to her earlier full-on rant in Parliament,” said a Downing Street spokesperson.

“There’s no doubt Putin misbehaved and Mrs May was fully within her rights to threaten him with the naughty step. But she was totally disarmed when the happy face popped up on her phone.” Continue reading →

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