PM sorry if her Blacks Go Home policy was ‘somehow misunderstood’

‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?

Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.

Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine behind her.

“I take full responsibility, even though it was not my fault.” the PM continued, through the fog “Of course it’s important to apologise on behalf of whoever got this wrong and to regain the trust of you, our colonial friends. Smile and look sincere. But most of all, and as I say I take full symbolic responsibility, most of all we need to find out who’s really to blame. Pause, look round the room, make eye contact.”

“Obviously, we won’t need to look much further than the Leader of the Opposition. Or Diane Abbott. She’s black too, do you know her?”