Ho, ho, oh sod off you fat, judgemental bastard
Staff at Harold Save & Prosper have defended their decision to put office manager Sam Woods in a wicker man on the grounds that it was unreasonable to expect them to tolerate an adult who genuinely enjoys Christmas. Continue reading
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Filed under Christmas
It comes just after “f*ck”
Oxford Dictionaries have declared ‘fucknugget’ as its 2016 international word of the year, reflecting what it called a year of “unbelievable levels of fucknuggetry”.
The word is described as an adjective relating to people unable to comprehend even the most basic of obvious consequences, despite regular warnings being explained very slowly to them, or written in large letters, in crayon.
Anarchy in the UK brought to you by Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton and Baron Fellowes of West Stafford
Satan’s little goblin of plagiarism and inanity, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, has finally succeeded in killing music by writing a musical, School of Rock, about the glory of rock and roll with fellow desiccated hulk, the purveyor of cliché and wet dream fodder for the sort of person who’ll campaign to preserve an old church and to deny entry to the UK to children fleeing a war zone with equal vigor that is Julian Fellowes. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
A bunch of people who’ve never had to wonder where their next meal is coming from are continuing their protests against President-elect Donald Trump.
The angry protesters gathered in mainly affluent cities to protest against President-elect Trump’s obvious racism after he proposed measures to keep illegal immigrants from crossing the Mexican border and he also questioned the wisdom of trade deals with China. Since President-elect Trump is so obviously and definitely racist, his supporters are obviously and definitely racist too, so the protesters reasoned as they burned a few cars to prove that Love triumphs over Hate.
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Filed under US Elections
“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”
Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
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Filed under US Elections
“You’re fired!”
Donald Trump is to be given a special “training” red button when he takes office in the White House, insiders revealed today.
A spokesman revealed that there were fears that the incoming President might not fully realise the seriousness of the nuclear launch system, and therefore plans have been put in place to give him a toy red button to play with until he learns that pressing it is a bad thing.
“He’s been demanding a red button all day, saying he’s in charge now and we can’t stop him,’ admitted one insider. “So we’ve started him off with a nice bright plastic one with a teddy bear head on the top.”
“He’s been hammering the crap out of that button all day, shouting ‘You’re fired!’ over and over and over…”
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Filed under bombs, Showbusiness, US Elections
Down the toilet
The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.
Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.
“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.
“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”
“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”
“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”
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Filed under News, US Elections
Aggghhhhhh. Enough already. SHUT UP!
Wearied by the spewings of a malevolent, sulky troll over the past month, the UK has rediscovered its interest in Syria and migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.
“I got emotionally dulled by pictures of children covered in blood and dust.” says Harold’s Carly Jeffery “So in October, the prospect of a 24×7 reality show about an orange sociopath with anger issues Continue reading
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Filed under News, US Elections
The crowd makes their displeasure known
An expectant crowd gathered at Harold Common on the night of 5 November after seeing signs around the village advertising ‘Catholic terrorist burning’, with people travelling from as far as Dunstable and Felching to ‘see the bastard off’.
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Filed under Around Harold, Holidays
He’s like a room without a roof
Waitrose essential olive oil in a suit, David Cameron, has confirmed that he’s having a lovely life and isn’t bothered about anything at all. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Wear them or die. We give it five years before that’s a real law
The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading
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Filed under Brexit
She’s been doing that grumpy face ever since she realised what a mistake being in Ghostbusters II was
The Mother of Exiles from whose beacon-hand glows worldwide welcome has been spotted in a Manhattan travel agents buying a one-way ticket to Paris for November 9th.
“It’s just in case,” said the Statue of Liberty. “Just in case Trump wins the keys to the White House. I’d rather go home than stay here as a landmark in a country ruled by an orange malignancy who couldn’t be more of an enemy of democracy if he beat it to death in an alley then broke into its house and shat on its cat.” Continue reading
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Filed under US Elections
Jacob. You can make up your own caption
Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.
Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading
Filed under News, referendum
Wave this at the Border Force and it’s as good as a visa
Mindless drunken bellow of rage echoing out of a piss-stained alley at closing time in word form, the Sun, is demanding that the UK closes its borders to anyone who isn’t a small child wearing a poppy.
“Anyone who doesn’t wear a poppy AT ALL TIMES is not British enough to be part of our great society,” thundered the paper owned by a man who’s so patriotic he swapped nationalities for tax purposes. “This great country should only accept tots, little tiny tots wearing poppies looking photogenically bewildered as the clutch their teddies, teddies made in Britain wearing poppies, for comfort.” Continue reading
Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads
A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.
Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading
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Filed under Civil rights, News, Police, Politics
Now we’re going to play with this Emperor’s new ball here
“There’s no sleight of hand involved,” insisted the walking definition of ‘it’s who you know’ this morning. “But there is Derren’s trademark blend of magic, misdirection, psychology and showmanship.”
“Using it I’ve already convinced myself that I’m doing a brilliant job and that as a failed marmalade exporter I definitely know more about medicine than so-called experts. Sorry? No, nothing at all about marmalade, Continue reading
“Guess who’s back, bitches”
Two hundred and forty years after they were told to sod off the British are to regain a former colony and take control of the United States of America on the grounds that it’s become too silly.
“One has looked at Mrs Clinton and One has looked at Mr Trump,” said Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel and Empress of the Lone Islands. “And when it comes to both of them One’s reaction is, in the words of the philosopher Will Smith, aw, hell naw!”
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Filed under US Elections
A young couple from Harold are ecstatic to have purchased their first printer ink cartridge before they turned 30.
“It’s a dream come true to finally hold the HP 364 cartridge in our hands” beamed Nick Stalling. “We’ll be paying it off for 40 years of course, but we now have a printer ink cartridge we can call our own. I only wish gran and grandad were still alive. They had their own typewriter and ribbon so this would’ve meant a lot to them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle
Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these
“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.
Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”
“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading
The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away
Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.
In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.
“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, Labour, News, Politics
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