by | October 1, 2017 · 7:00 am

“Her nipples followed me round the room.”

‘Mona Lisa With Her Tits Out’

Da Vinci expert Mathieu Deldicque says he knew the charcoal sketch was authentic the moment he hung it on his dining room wall.

“Wherever I stood, my eyes were drawn to her enigmatic cleavage, and her nipples just seemed to follow me round the room. It’s definitely genuine.”

“Leonardo da Vinci was renowned for his meticulous research in the anatomical structure of the human body,” he said, “so it’s highly likely his first words to Mona would have been ‘Get yer kit off love’.”

The work was found in the Palace of Chantilly and was originally thought to be a sketch of a Florentine brickie. Continue reading →

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by | September 30, 2017 · 8:31 am

New UKIP leader vows to stay on until Christmas, “with a little bit of luck”

Phew, Bolton remembers to use his left arm when saluting the troops

Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.

He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.

What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading →

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by | September 29, 2017 · 8:37 pm

Michael O’Leary explains regulations breach “We don’t give a shit.”

Always getting better, at being shits

Michael O’Leary says Ryanair’s lying to passengers should be seen in the light of the company not giving a shit about them.

“When you put our behaviour in context it all makes sense. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t give a shit, Ryanair doesn’t give a shit, it’s all entirely consistent. Why is that so hard to understand?”

Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery is a Ryanair customer whose flight was cancelled at short notice. “The next flight they could book me on is in January but as I was going to my mother’s funeral Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Labour vote to ‘bring back hanging baskets’

Hang ’em high.

The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.

Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.

The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.

“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading →

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by | September 27, 2017 · 5:38 pm

“Yes, this is exactly how I hoped things would work out” says May

“there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline”

The PM believes massive US tariff hikes are a welcome incentive for UK industry to work harder.

“I’ve already phoned President Trump to thank him for implementing the agreement we made during my visit.” said Mrs May “He’s assured me there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline**.

“So that’s all good. The President calls it the ‘Bend over and touch your toes, this might smart a bit’ approach, Continue reading →

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by | September 26, 2017 · 1:20 am

Can only cheer and clap: scientists create ideal party conference attendee

Happy happy joy joy

As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.

“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.

The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.

“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”

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by | September 25, 2017 · 12:00 pm

AfD leader quits in protest against AfD

Frauke Petry. She’s off to invade Poland

The leader of German right-wing AfD has quit the party after finding it’s a loose coalition of hate-spewing racists.

“My suspicions were first aroused when Nigel Farage turned up at one of our rallies” said Frauke Petry “but I was too busy Continue reading →

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by | September 23, 2017 · 1:06 am

The May stood on the burning deck…

The May stood on the burning deck
Whence David Cameron had fled;
The bus o’lies that started all this dreck
A rusted heap long dead.
Yet strong and stable she stood,
To the EU she would not yield –
A creature of Oxford and the Bank of England,
Who’d rather run through a wheat field. Continue reading →

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by | September 20, 2017 · 11:53 am

After Rio Ferdinand, clamour grows for Michael Gove to take up boxing

Come on, we’d all pay to see that

As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.

“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”

With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading →

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by | September 19, 2017 · 8:34 am

Jeremy Hunt “still not dead”

He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge

Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.

“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”

Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading →

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by | September 18, 2017 · 4:32 pm

Iain Duncan Liar backs Boris Liar

The bald one remembering drowning kittens in a sack

Former Tory leader and leading sociopath, Iain Duncan Liar has supported Boris Liar, who reprised their best known lie over the weekend.

“The lie was really successful in 2016”, said the bald one “so it would have been criminal to retire it. As Michael Liar put it last year, we’ve had enough of experts and the same can be said about those who insist on sticking to the facts”.

Most Brexiters now say they never believed the EU cost the UK £350m a week anyway, for fear of looking like steaming dullards and Continue reading →

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by | September 14, 2017 · 3:40 pm

May: compared to £1.5bn DUP bribe, £140m for a general election “a bargain”

20,000 homes or another period in office? Tough call

Responding to critics who claim the election costs could have funded 4000 teachers, Theresa May says £140m was “chicken feed”, compared to £1.5bn handed to people less welcome on your doorstep than Jehovah’s Witnesses, Continue reading →

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by | · 11:13 am

Sex robots now so realistic they won’t sleep with the men who buy them

“Roxxxy said ‘fuck off loser’ the moment she saw me”

The technology of sex robots has improved so much they now won’t sleep with the sad losers that buy them.

Inventor Doug Hines said he knew he’d developed a life-like sex robot when Roxxxy took one look at him and said “fuck off you sad, bald, loser, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth”.
Continue reading →

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by | · 3:47 am

At this point it would be nice if our leaders really were lizards

Friendliest. PM. Ever

As Brexit unfolds with all the grace of a bloated corpse falling out of a walk-in freezer and Donald Trump continues to, you know, be, villagers are finding comfort in the idea that all this is down to lizards. Continue reading →

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by | September 12, 2017 · 6:48 pm

Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops

As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading →

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by | · 9:00 am

Caribbean braced for more shit flying through the air as Boris plans to jet in

Another day, another flying stunt

With Boris Johnson due to visit later this week, Caribbean people are facing their sternest test to date.

Battered and bruised almost beyond recognition yet somehow still the Foreign Secretary, Johnson hopes UK foreign aid money might help restore his reputation to its Continue reading →

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by | September 10, 2017 · 10:53 am

Call for tougher border controls on Tony Blair coming back into the UK

Happier times, when he was out of the country

Tony Blair’s call for tougher rules on EU migration has been met by calls for tougher rules on him coming in and out of the UK, especially the coming in bit.

Mr Blair has written an article in the Sunday Times, after downloading a PhD thesis on the EU and copying out all the parts which back his own view, only in a different font. Sadly this has been reported across all media, together with pictures of The Great Leader, spoiling breakfast for millions around the country.

An online petition, calling for Blair’s passport to be revoked the next time he strays beyond territorial waters, had gained 900,000 signatures by 9am this morning.

“Brexit wil be the biggest shit-fest for the UK since world war two, only this time the US won’t be bailing us out.” said Carly Jeffery, a teaching assistant at St Mary’s in Harold. “Imagine the Captain of the Titanic backing it up after the crash, then taking a second run at the iceberg. Like that but worse.”

“I voted remain, because I don’t believe in assisted suicide. Even so, every time I see Blair’s sanctimonious mug popping up on my TV, I’m tempted to join Ukip just to spite him.”

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by | September 9, 2017 · 3:24 pm

Shock as Rees-Mogg set to replace Farage as Westminster Panto Villain.

hook

In a surprise upset after more than 20 years as chief Westminster pantomime villain, Nigel Farage has been usurped this year by relative newcomer Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who was created in 2010 by splicing the Tussauds waxworks of John Redwood and Postman Pat has been auditioning frantically for the role over the last few weeks with classic lines such as “Rape? Get over it, it’s behind you” and “Abortion is always wrong. Ooooh yes it is”. Continue reading →

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by | September 6, 2017 · 12:10 pm

Jacob Rees-Mogg “still right about everything”: this week, abortion.

Jacob Rees-Mogg likes to have a firm grip on the pulse of the nation

“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”

Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading →

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by | September 4, 2017 · 5:43 pm

Forget nuclear war worries: Wills & Kate have been at it again

Probably a Royal Command Performance

Nuclear holocaust and Brexit worries have been put into perspective by news that William and Kate have had another successful coupling.

Kensington Palace announced Kate’s pregnancy today but have not confirmed which position was used, leading to speculation that the modernising royals may have taken a less traditional approach.

The BBC’s Nicholas Witchell reports that, like its parents, the new foetus is showing a real concern for others, whilst its ability to put people at their ease is very reminiscent of Princess Diana. Continue reading →

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