The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass
Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.
“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.
“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading
Hello Sandman fans, you’re looking lovely today
As more famous people who everyone really liked die and obituary writers everywhere call in sick with exhaustion, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched to pay for the Grim Reaper to go on holiday so us mere mortals can have a break from miserableness. Continue reading
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“Don’t bother minuting this, love.”
A man clearly believes his colleagues really want to know his Chistmas plans, after a casual question yesterday led him to give ten minutes of PowerPoint guff about it in today’s staff meeting.
Harold Tesco Express manager, Paul Watts says “my guys” were fascinated that his in-laws will arrive late Christmas Eve and stay until Tuesday, although Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
“Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind” – Einstein
The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.
“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading
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Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut
Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.
“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading
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December 16, 2016 · 3:27 pm
“This is just wrong!”
Christians in the UK have slammed new IVF rules, which permit babies being made from three people. “It’s not right is it, whoever heard of three identities existing in one person? ” asked Andy, Curate at St Pauls in Harold, adjusting his spectacles.
“Anyway, we shouldn’t tamper with nature in this way.”he said, whilst turning up his hearing aid, adding Continue reading
“Ooh, look. The Tooth Fairy!”
Emily Thornberry has followed her calls for UK cargo drone and gps-guided parachute deployment in Syria, with a plea for “the RAF’s squadrons of monkey-driven space-buggies to be used in the cause of peace”.
“We should look at all options,” she says “including impossibilities and those based on imaginary resources.” Continue reading
The latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
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It’s a phone Paul. You just have to say “Hello, this is Paul.”
Morons-on-a-mission, Britain First are seemingly so useless they’ve even failed to come to the attention of Amber Rudd and get themselves banned.
The knuckle-dragging fuckwit ‘party’ has been soliciting funds for some days, on the premise that they were about to be banned and needed cash for their legal appeal. With Poppy scam season over, Biffer Central is on the lookout for alternative income streams, Continue reading
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics
Domini Raab outside the Supreme Court. Oh, too late
Fingernails down a blackboard in human form, people’s democratic champion Dominic Raab shocked viewers this morning, by vanishing up his own a*se during a live TV interview.
Raab, who comes second only to Michael Gove as the Tory MP you’d most like to punch, was on BBC TV News this morning, wittering on about Brexit; his only interest, apart from The Life and Times of Dominic Raab.
Standing on the street outside the Supreme Court (only Pinewood’s James Bond set can now accommodate his massive head), Continue reading
Are we related? Do you own a magazine? I could be your man
Unexpectedly back on the market, due to circumstances entirely within my control.
Have own ego, sense of entitlement, and a willingnes to travel as far as Kingston upon Thames if necessary, for the right post.
Have own dog-whistle and recent experience of high profile dog-whistling. Might suit right-wing political campaigning group, looking to increase its media coverage by employing a photogenic, eccentric, multi-millionaire, with lovely eyes but some sincererity issues.
Have experience of editing rich uncle’s magazine. So, if we’re related by birth, marriage or a close proximity on the Sunday Times rich-list, and you own a magazine, please Continue reading
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Filed under Employment, News, Politics
“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”
Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.
“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.
“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, idiots, News
Carney struggles to make himself clear to morons
Mark Carney has warned the UK to curb it’s credit card use, because any Brexit windfall will go to the Treasury, not direct to morons.
Borderline simpleton and pub bore, Alec Fairchild, dismissed Carney’s fears, however. “I’d rather take Boris Johnson’s word over that of a Canadian immigrant.”
“And don’t get me started again about the ‘£350 million for the NHS’ on the side of a bus.” he insisted “Us leavers aren’t stupid. We all knew that wasn’t true and Boris has admitted it. But, if the £350 million isn’t going to the NHS … it must be going somewhere else.” Continue reading
Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover
Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”
Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.
“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading
“this chap sounds like a footballer”
Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.
“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”
“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading
“Sorry you were out when we called. It’s in the back. Of beyond.”
The RAF will deliver all Harold’s on-line Black Friday orders in one big drop on Monday morning; from 10,000 feet.
Villagers too lazy to go to Dunstable but wanting authentic Black Friday fun will still get the experience by packing into the 5-a-side pitch like sardines, and having a shed-load of multi-coloured tat dropped on their heads.
“We’d hoped to get low level runs along the River Gluggle by the Battle of Britain Memorial flight.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!
The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.
Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.
“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics
Long dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.
A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.
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Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge
“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”
Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.
Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading
“a face built for a wicker man”
Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.
The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.
We’re not making this shit up, Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War
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