Oops…
In a tragic accident, Britain’s first lady thatcher died this morning while working on the roof of Rose Cottage in the village of Harold.
Witnesses say Margaret Dennis appeared to be surprised by the sound of gunshot coming from all directions, which turned out to be a gun salute from a ceremonial funeral being watched on TV by half the village’s inhabitants. Continue reading
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Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.
BBC Radio 1 have today had to deny claims they are being cruel and insensitive, and refused to back down from a decision to play the music of Justin Bieber. The move comes as people who remember the 1980’s and early 1990’s mourn the death of decent music.
The BBC in defending their position have told us they ‘have a duty to play the music people are buying, even if those people are under the age of 16 and have no idea what they are talking about.’
However, not everyone has been critical of the BBC. Sally Moody from the ‘OMG Justin Bieber, We Love You’ fan club told us “the BBC should play Justin all day ‘cos he is lush. Continue reading
Bank claims ‘They’re walking all over us’
Local walkers have won a landmark case today and restored the right to use an ancient pathway. The route, which probably dates back to Roman times, goes from the high street, into the bank, through its vault and back out into the countryside, cutting out the need to walk around the building.
The ‘Rambling Association of Harold (RAH) – not to be mistaken for Rambler’s Anonymous, who meet every week to talk each other to death whilst wearing masks – has welcomed the decision. Doug Walker, the Head of RAH told us “this ruling is the biggest victory for ramblers since vehicles were banned from Harold’s by-pass.”
Want more? Walk this way…
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1979 Mini-metro is at the forefront of modern motoring
A pair of keen environmentalists, who locked themselves in a shed for 12 years promising not to come out until they had developed a long range electric car, have finally unveiled their adapted 1979 Mini-Metro.
“The exciting thing about this car is that the range is pretty much infinite” John Goody, one of the pair explained. “The only thing that restricts the distance is your imagination, and the length of the extension cable you use.
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Vikki, 19, with the axe
Building work on a new development of twelve badly-needed speculator starter homes was brought to a halt yesterday after an ancient axe was found at the site of the old West Station in the village of Harold.
Contractors initially thought they had made a find to match the discovery of Richard III’s skeleton under a Leicester car park and called in archaeologists, but the find was found to date back only 50 years to when the infamous Dr Beeching was putting the finishing touches to his destruction of Britain’s railway branch lines.
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Click the picture for a closer look
With an increasing amount of complaints about self-serve checkouts in shops being ‘impersonal and robotic’, Tesco are trailing a new version of the tills that gives you the lack of service you have come to expect from a real barely-live person.
Tesco Express in Harold is one of the stores testing out the checkouts and so far they seem to have gone down well. “I always felt uneasy at the way the machines would say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’” one loyal customer explained.
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It’s quite sad, really
Village Goth Josh Fenning has welcomed plans by the police to start recording the many, many crimes committed against him.
Fenning claims to be the victim of a sustained campaign by ‘shadowy elements’ in Harold, including ‘the mood in the pub’, his broadband provider and ‘whoever keeps leaving him milk’.
“Barely a day goes by when Fenning doesn’t come and report some perceived crime against him”, said PC Anita Flegg. “I suppose officially, I ought to start writing them down.”
Jersey has already said ‘no’
The normally peaceful village of Harold was thrown into turmoil last week when Gill Gates, manager of local estate agents Lacrymans & Co, revealed that Rose Cottage, a character period property in a sought-after position with excellent access to all amenities, was being purchased by a DCI Tom Barnaby, formerly of Causton, Midsomer.
The villagers of Harold have reacted angrily to news that their local chippy has been fobbing them off with batter-encrusted flip-flops.
Until the scandal, ‘The Stephen Fryer’ had been held in high regard locally, for its cleverly evasive word-play on the Perspex menu board.
“Everyone knows you don’t really want to know what you’re getting, if you order a saveloy or the ‘southern-fried bites’”, said Cllr Ron Ronsson.
“And it’s common knowledge that you should never just order the ‘fish’, because that’s battered paper towels that Stephen wipes the wobbly bits from his hands on.”
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Moth-erless Children
A nocturnal boy discovered in the woods outside Harold may have been ‘raised by moths’.
A group of naturalists had set out to record the night-time insects of Harold, but were shocked when their powerful lamps attracted a jittery youth with a face smeared in nectar.
“We’d set up nets, motion-sensing cameras and switched the big light on”, explained Gerladine Forster, who heads the local wildlife trust.
“There was a commotion behind us; snapping twigs, a rush of air, followed by what sounded eerily like a child muttering ‘flapflapflapflapflap’.
Read more…
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Almost six months to the day since the stomach-churning events of ‘29/9’, a grand ribbon-cutting ceremony will be held on Saturday to re-open the telephone box that stands outside the Tesco Extra on the High Street.
Businesswoman and Evening Harold agony aunt, Brenda Ferguson will perform the duties of ribbon-cutting with scissors kindly donated by Cuts Both Ways scissor shop, and will also stick her ceremonial business card advertising her services to the inside wall.
Opposition from residents that the new phone box will attract goths has been outweighed by traders who say that the phone box will bring a welcome boost to the local economy and be another step towards normality for the High Street after the horrors of last September.
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