“Would these hands lie to you?”
“People don’t realise how dangerous principles are in the wrong hands” explained foreign dictator consultant Blair. “Jeremy Corbyn could use them to make Labour unrecognisable inside an hour of becoming leader.”
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Politics
Thatcher about to enter a miner’s hole
“Most of the abuse was alleged to have occurred up North but no matter how many holes in the ground we peered into, or broken communities we visited, no miners could be found” said a Scotland Yard spokesman.
“We now suspect Thatcher may have hid them on a very large yacht.”
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An artist’s impression of the UKIP moat
“If we make the moat at least 20 miles wide and pretty deep, and throw in a few sharks and pollutants in the water for good measure, I think you’ll find the migrant problem is solved” beamed Farage.
Farage said the moat needed to be all the way round Britain to thwart those trying to enter from Ireland and Norway, as well as from France. Farage noted it probably wasn’t necessary to have a moat between England and Scotland, but if the Scots continued being uppity, he’d consider a wall.
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Filed under News
“I felt the Holy water running down my leg”
Arnold Delaney revealed that last Thursday had been like any other day, although he had eaten two eggs for breakfast.
“I’d also consumed a second cup of coffee”, said Delaney. “And that’s when my true calling was revealed unto myself, Lord-ways.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Religion
“The dentist can rest assured he won’t feel a thing”
Palmer attracted widespread notoriety for paying $50,000 to hunt and kill Cecil the lion, and so Harold schoolboy Simon Delenay set up a fundraising page to allow the lions a chance to even up the score.
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Filed under International News, Nature
“Trees, I see lots and lots of trees”
The eBay seller crackdown is expected to be followed by an HMRC campaign to tax beggars collecting money in Starbucks cups.
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Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, USA
A local Harold chimney sweep says it was purely a coincidence he was hosting a class of 9 year olds for ‘Bring a Kid to Work’ day on the same day he had a number of extremely narrow chimneys to clean.
“People can believe what they want, but the truth is I had completely forgotten I was due to clean the exceptionally narrow chimneys on the terraced row on Gluggle Street” said Little Scamps owner Ernie Evans. “After all, those Gluggle chimneys were last cleaned in 2012 when I hosted room 4 for the 100th anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death, so it’s not surprising it slipped my mind.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Children
UK Chancellor George Osborne says it is about time lazy poor people ate their own babies, rather than relying on Tories to do it for them.
“For far too long, hard-working Tories have had to shoulder the baby-eating responsibilities” said Osborne as he feasted on a Bolton toddler’s succulent thigh.
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A Harold man who requested ‘breakfast in bed, a box of chocolates, and a blowjob’ for Father’s Day says he was just being ironic, and he was perfectly happy with his haul of two slices of toast and a box of Roses chocolates.
“To be honest, I was rapt to even get two of the three” said insurance assessor and father of three Alan Atkins. “I’d have been just as happy, but definitely no more happy, to say get the chocolates and a blowjob.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture
“I’m banning people, starting with the NRA”
“It’s been far too easy for guns to obtain people in America” said Obama. “While we have tried to limit people through immigration policies, people nakedly get round this by simply breeding. With this unchecked proliferation of people, guns have no trouble finding a person to fire them. Shockingly, in isolated areas people even outnumber guns.”
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Filed under Crime, International News
Gavin Hearn takes a walk on the wild side
Gavin Hearn said it was just a normal Friday afternoon until a group of about 15 people, all dressed in an earnestly different sort of way, arrived at his workshop and asked if they could listen to him work on his lathe.
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Filed under Around Harold, music
A cricket fan’s marriage is on the rocks after his continued insistence on ending sex under the Duckworth-Lewis method.
When it came to matters of an intimate nature, Harold car dealer and local councillor Ron Ronsson would always insist he’d won the toss and choose to go first, according to divorce papers filed in Dunstable County Court.
The affidavit from Ronsson’s wife Yvonne said Ron was obsessed by cricket, especially the 20/20 format, and he would conduct his love making in the same high octane manner shouting ‘four!’, ‘six!!’, or ‘that’s a huge one !!!’ after each stroke.
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Hull – justifiably proud of its plentiful parking
“No tourists have visited Hull in the last two years and it suddenly occurred to us that perhaps people thought we had a travel ban list” said the Lord Mayor of Hull Mary Glew.
“I think many would-be tourists were so excited about the prospect of visiting Hull, they just didn’t want to take the risk there was some sort of secret ‘banned list’ that would scuttle their holiday of a lifetime.”
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Filed under International News, Politics
An elderly Swiss chook, Pegg Splatter, says a clutch of bad eggs has nothing to do with her, and she has absolutely no idea how they came to be found under her bottom.
American and Swiss poultry inspectors raided the Zurich henhouse looking for corrupted eggs, and their suspicions were aroused when Splatter shifted nervously on a bed of shredded brown envelopes and dollar bills.
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Filed under Sport
Sam Allardyce’s wife Lynn says she’s taking a break from household duties to spend more time at the football following West Ham United.
“The timing just felt right” explained Lynn. “I’ve been responsible for our Canary Wharf apartment for over four years and I think I’m leaving it in a better place than I found it.”
“I didn’t have the budget some of the Russian apartment owners had, so to be voted 12th best apartment in the block is still a real achievement, especially when you consider three other owners were evicted.”
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Filed under Sport
A Harold schoolboy used his morning talk to tell his classmates that his dad was gifted, and quite possibly a genius.
Simon Atkins, 8, said he first realised his dad Alan was gifted when he got sacked from his job as an insurance assessor.
“It was clear to me that dad’s job wasn’t challenging enough for him and he was bored. As a high-functioning type he needed extra mental stimulation which is obviously why he chose to defraud the company he worked for and then burn down the premises to cover his tracks.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Children
Len McCluskey has warned the Labour party that it needs to do more to appeal to Len McCluskey, or face the withdrawal of Len McCluskey’s money.
“As a ‘worker’ in a grand office and a six-figure salary, I don’t see what the Labour party has to offer people like me any more”, said Len McCluskey.
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Filed under Politics
“I’d just been so … busy. Pressures of work, lots of chores to do round the house, and the kids constantly playing up. Existential stuff pretty much took a back seat” said Harold insurance assessor Alan Atkins.
“Then there was the distraction of the election, who would ultimately triumph? Those nasty Tories or those bumbling socialists? And what about Farage? Were some of his best friends really Muslim? I don’t know if there was a conclusive answer to that one.”
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Filed under Around Harold
John Terry makes no comment
Terry keeps mum
Evening Harold reporters have been camped outside John Terry’s London house for two days, waiting to get former England captain John Terry’s reaction to events. None has so far been forthcoming.
The lack of any sort of response, even just a blunt denial, has inevitably led to speculation that there is something to hide.
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Tagged as John Terry, no comment, the rumour(s)