Author Archives: yikes28

Tightrope walker ‘walks a tightrope’ in breezy Grand Canyon tightrope walk

Did I tighten the tightropes?

Did I tighten the tightropes?

Legendary tightrope walker, Nik Wallender, completed a long-held tightrope walking ambition by doing a tightrope walk over the Grand Canyon.

Wallender, who comes from a family of tightrope walkers, prepared for his historic tightrope walk by spending the morning tightening the tightropes. “Once the tightropes were really tight, I knew the tightrope walk would be a breeze as long as the breeze didn’t get too breezy” said Wallender.
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Filed under International News, Showbusiness

Flight attendant issues tearful apology for plane delay

Ryanair Girl

Mandi seemed normal just before her apology

A flight attendant today broke down and issued tearful apologies to passengers affected by a five hour delay of a Ryanair flight into Dunstable International Airport.

Mandi Jones, a 23 year old flight attendant from Harold, was overcome with emotion and wailed uncontrollably after realising that the 243 passengers had not only suffered an uncomfortable 4 hour wait in a crowded cold departure lounge, but had also had their onward travel plans disrupted.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle, News

Murdoch to invade Blair in search of weapon of marriage destruction

Is that a WMD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Is that a WMD in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

In the aftermath of the break up of his marriage to Wendi Deng, Rupert Murdoch announced that he will invade Tony Blair to search for weapons of marriage destruction (“WMDs”). Apparently Murdoch believes Blair possesses a long missile-shaped weapon that can fire a clear sticky substance as far as a foot.

A spokesman for Mr Murdoch said similar weapons have already been deployed around the world to break up marriages for many years, and they can be deadly from close range.

“We believe Blair is concealing a WMD in his pants” said the Murdoch spokesman. “And we have information that Blair has been conducting secret solo trials of his weapon for many years.”
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Filed under International News, Politics

Predictable early upsets in ICC Champions Match Fixing Trophy

Got me a golden duck!

Got me a golden duck!

Cricket’s showpiece Match Fixing event is underway in England with early results going by the lack-of-formbook. An understrength West Indian team playing on an unsuitable pitch was expected to be no match for the powerful Pakistani line-up and duly went on to win by two wickets in a close match.

“It was a disappointing result” said West Indian captain Dwayne Bravo. “We were chasing a low total and suddenly favoured to win. The boys just lost concentration and hit the winning runs when they had a golden opportunity to collapse and make us a bomb.”
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Filed under International News, Sport

Duke of South Africa seriously ill in hospital

Mandela and LizNelson Mandela, the 94 year old Greek-born Duke of South Africa, is once again in hospital with a serious lung infection. South Africans are holding their breath, worried that the pivotal figure in their nation’s history may not be around too much longer.

Mandela, the ex-consort of mother of the nation Winnie Mandela, has always loyally supported his wives and diligently carried out both official and charity engagements. But he has really endeared himself to the public by showing his human side with frequent gaffes, and by being a little bit racist.
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Filed under International News, Royals

Fight Club closes due to lack of publicity

fight_clubAn underground Fight Club has closed after being unable to attract new members due to overly restrictive publicity rules. Fight Club founder Dominic Delaney said, with the benefit of hindsight, the club which operated from the basement of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms should have been a bit more open.

“The first rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. In fact rules 3 through 10 were – you do not talk about Fight Club. No wonder hardly anyone turned up.”

Mr Delaney, who was able to talk openly as the club’s closure meant he was no longer bound by the strict secrecy rules, said that at its height, Fight Club had six members who regularly turned up to the Squirrel Licker’s basement to beat the living shit out of each other, and share gardening tips.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture

Tourette’s Convention ends in chaos after outbreak of pleasantries

Gordon RamsayThe inaugural Gordon Ramsay International Tourette’s Convention in Harold came to a premature end when the lunch descended into chaos after an outbreak of pleasantries.

Convention organiser Mike Hunt said it was bl**dy disappointing that convention delegates would behave like f**king 40 year olds. “You’d think in this f**king day and age that people could resolve their f**king differences without resorting to polite language and pleasantries.”

The trouble started after Gordon Ramsay hosted a lively pre-lunch panel debate over whether “feck” was a swear word. “Things were going perfectly f**king vitriolicly” cursed Mr Hunt. “There were the usual ripostes – one side said ‘of course feck is a fecking swear work’ while the other side replied ‘no it is f**king not’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Felching Bumsquats, science

Know your limits – the danger of binge Facebook sharing

Just say no

Just say no

The serious social issue of binge Facebook sharing has reached epidemic proportions, with some people over-indulging so much that they spend almost the entire weekend in a kitten-photo induced coma.

The problem is again in the spotlight after a weekend when the Harold Accident and Emergency department was overwhelmed with binge Facebookers after they had shared one chain horse meat joke too many and had friends come round and punch their lights out.

Dunstable University social media expert Professor Luke Thorne pointed out that mild Facebook sharing wasn’t a problem, but overindulgence was.
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Technology

Cameron listens to grassroots – bans “swivel-eyed loon” marriage

Where are all the canapes?

Where are all the canapes?

After listening to grass-roots Tory concerns about the Marriage Equality Bill, Prime Minister David Cameron says he has reconsidered his views, and as a compromise he will ban marriages between swivel-eyed loons while allowing same-sex couples to marry.

“I heard the message loud and clear that not all groups in society should be allowed to marry” said Cameron. “When I saw the activists foam at the mouth and roll their eyes randomly while spouting anti-gay hate, I realised something had to be done.”

“It was either ban swivel-eyed loons from marrying and breeding or transport them all to Australia. Unfortunately Australia has already filled their swivel-eyed loon quota so marriage ban it is.”
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Filed under Felching Bumsquats, International News, Lifestyle, Politics

African village adopts Angelina Jolie’s breasts

safe and sound

safe and sound

Support for Angelina Jolie after her double mastectomy has reached all corners of the globe with the news that the Angolan village of Malu has agreed to adopt her breasts.

Malu village chief Oongal Weel said that while the circumstances of Jolie’s breasts becoming orphaned were tragic, he was confident they would be well looked after in the village.

“The local women have vowed to treat them as they would their own” said Mr Weel. “Even a number of men have expressed an interest in caring for them.”

The move has sparked controversy, with psychologists saying that while the move was well meaning, there could be long-term issues in integrating breasts of a white, global superstar into a very poor African village.

Despite these concerns, other African villages are jumping on the celebrity body part adoption bandwagon.
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle

Reoffending rates rocket as inmates seek to avoid Huhne

I'm here to help

I’m here to help

Suggestions by disgraced former cabinet minister Chris Huhne that he will embark on a new career helping rehabilitate prisoners are in doubt after inmates at Leyhill Prison said they would rather stay in jail for life than listen to Huhne for 5 more minutes.

Gavin Smith, an amateur shoplifter from Harold who was due to be released in 3 weeks, said he was panicking at the thought of having Huhne lecture him about the way he should live his life, and why the Lib-Dem energy policy would avoid melting the ice caps while keeping British industry moving.

“It was possibly an over-reaction to kill two inmates and three guards to avoid being released, but I was desperate” said Smith. “I’m just hoping my lawyer doesn’t think of any technical defence.”

Other inmates are committing petty offences en masse in the hope they can buy more time in prison until Huhne loses interest in helping prisoners.
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Filed under Crime, International News, Politics

Atheists pull ad campaign after spate of members killed in bus accidents

Say it isn't so

Say it isn’t so

The worldwide trend for atheists to advertise on buses, with slogans such as ‘there is probably no God, now stop worrying and enjoy your life’, looks set to cease after a local study found that 95% of people killed in bus accidents didn’t believe in God.

Professor Paul Saunders, of Dunstable University, who headed the study into the religious affiliation of road accident victims, said the results were surprising.

“Until relatively recently, the incidence of atheists being killed by buses was around 8% of all victims, roughly in line with the prevalence of atheism in the general population. But the last few years has seen this inexplicable spike.”

Professor Saunders ruled out bus driver hatred of atheists as an explanation given that a Richard Dawkins t-shirt is harder to identify at a distance than, say, hijab clothing or a Priest’s cassock.

“Also, previous research has identified that bus drivers tend to despise everybody fairly equally” clarified Professor Saunders.
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News

Everest climbers turn to ultimate challenge of David Cameron’s forehead

Cameron foreheadWith the Everest route now easier thanks to the many fixed routes and improved oxygen technology, not to mention the detention of rock wielding Sherpas, top climbers have turned their attention to an ascent previously thought impossible – climbing David Cameron’s forehead.

Even getting to David Cameron’s forehead is a mission in itself. Climbers first have to get permission to summit Cameron which means a £15,000 access fee unless one is a high-ranking Tory or Rebekah Brooks. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, International News, Penguins

Controversy as University of Life wins University Challenge final

sexy brenda

Brenda had all the answers

In a huge upset, the winner of the 2013 edition of University Challenge is the University of Life, a team composed entirely of Harold locals whose formal education ended at the age of 14 or earlier.

The University of Life’s victory was all the more surprising as the team had not qualified for the final, but was a last minute replacement for the University College of London who mysteriously didn’t turn up to the BBC studio on time.

University of Life team captain and Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said he felt for the University College of London team, but their navigational woes could have been easily avoided if they had spent less time studying classic Greek and Roman literature, and more time studying classic Wacky Racers cartoons, with the Dick Dastardly sign-switching routine.
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News

Ryanair to conduct all flights online in cost-saving measure

ryanairRyanair chief Michael O’Leary has unveiled plans for all flights to be conducted online, with a massive surcharge to be imposed on people who fail to fly online and actually turn up at the airport. The move will allow Ryanair to ditch its fleet of planes and become the world’s first no-cost airline.

“Educating people to check-in online was easy once people realised the alternative was to pay £40 for a boarding pass” said Mr O’Leary.

“So a £1,000 surcharge for people who fail to fly online should ensure few passengers turn up at the airport. Those that do will be will be placed on a British Airways flight and wear a large green clover on their chest to identify them as Ryanair passengers, so they can be charged to go to the toilet.”
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Filed under International News

Teachers told to not use pupil’s blood for marking homework in case it upsets them

blood1In yet another example of correctional politicalness gone wild, a school has barred its teachers from marking children’s homework using pupil’s blood. Apparently the molly-coddling move is aimed at preventing hurting students’ feelings, and stopping them bleeding to death.

The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, took his concerns to Parliament after a local teacher approached him saying her secondary school had suddenly banned staff using pupil’s blood.

“Apparently it is all about not wanting to discourage youngsters if their work is marked wrong” fumed Mr Chadwick.

“But children need to understand the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, and what better way to do that than use a vial of a pupil’s own blood to scrawl over every misplaced apostrophe. It’s polectional correticalness gone mad.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News

London marathon’s security assured as thousands of super-heroes set to run

2004 Flora London MarathonLondon marathon organiser, Dave Bedford, says he is confident this year’s event will be trouble-free after making it mandatory for all runners to be dressed as super-heroes and crime fighters.

“We should have at least 10,000 Supermen, many thousands of Batman and Robins, and a similar number of Spidermen” said Bedford.

“And with over 17,000 women runners expected to run as Wonder Woman, I’d be surprised if any villain would be able to concentrate long enough to get up to no good.”

Bedford says the varied skills of the super-heroes will make it impossible for evil to prevail.

“The super- heroes’ x-ray vision and supersonic hearing means potential evil-doers will be quickly spotted, and the many phone boxes on route will help ensure a rapid response.”

“Try any funny business and the malcontent will be captured in a spider’s web and then restrained between Wonder Woman’s lithe, yet powerful, thighs – oh my, I think I need a lie down.”
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Filed under Sport, Uncategorized

London marathon to be conducted by public transport

BusOrganisers have sprung a surprise by announcing that all competitors in Sunday’s London marathon will have to complete the run by double decker bus, in a move inspired by pioneering British bus marathoner Rob Sloan.

Race director Dave Bedford justified the move saying, “it will reduce congestion on the course, virtually eliminate dehydration and injuries, and simplify logistics as we expect all the buses to arrive at the finish at the same time.”

Mr Bedford points out that the essence of the event is still being maintained.

“The buses will take runners from the start line and drive them 26 miles to a short finishing chute whereupon it will be a mad dash to the finish line. Throughout the race, the windows of the buses will be kept shut which should ensure all runners get a sweat up. Diehards can jog on the spot in the aisle if they so choose.”
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Filed under Sport

Dress rehearsal for Queen’s funeral was lovely, says Charles

Piss off Charlie

Piss off Charlie

Prince Charles, heir to the Throne for 60 years, is said to be very impressed at how well today’s dress rehearsal for the Queen’s funeral went.

“One couldn’t help but notice how smoothly things went” said Prince Charles. “On the evidence of today’s dress rehearsal, there is no reason why one’s mother’s funeral couldn’t take place as early as next Tuesday. One will have to work things around lunch at the Dorchester though.”
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Filed under Golden Showers, International News

Village forms Home Guard to combat Sunderland invasion threat

Di Cani who?

Di Cani who?

Alarmed at the total capitulation of the Toon Army to the fascist-led Sunderland regime, the village of Harold has set up a Home Guard to see the invading Black Cats off.

“We saw how Newcastle coped with just eleven men armed with nothing more than a swagger and a gob of spit” said bank manager and Home Guard leader Noel Clarke. “You need more than that to repel the serious threat of a Di Canio knee slide.”

With young people pre-occupied with mastering binge drinking and sharing Facebook spam, it fell on the older members of the village to form the core of the Home Guard. An eclectic mix of bank staff, and small businessmen stood ready to give fascism the heave ho.

Local butcher and councillor Bob Crossly, a veteran of football aggression in the 70s, appealed for calm saying “don’t panic” over and over again, before adding, “those Mackems don’t like it up em, excepting carrots of course.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport