Author Archives: verticallychallengedgiant

by | October 1, 2015 · 4:55 pm

Jeremy Corbyn would replace Trident with Ronnie Pickering

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.

The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:41 am

Your Letters (Tom)

Dear Sirs/Madams,

As a big fan of the cartoon Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers, I was very excited to hear that they were doing a live show recently so I bought a ticket. On arrival I was horrified to discover that the show was not based on my favourite cartoon chipmunks but was actually the Chippendales, a group of scantily-clad male dancers. I felt that it would be rude to leave part way through the performance though so I stayed for the whole show. I just thought I’d write in to mention that this was the only reason I was there, just in case anybody noticed me and got the wrong idea. I’m definitely not gay though.

Tom C, Hollywood

 
Dear Sirs/Madams,

Being a big fan of baseball, and a keen amateur player, I was excited to hear that there was a local ‘Swingers’ club opened up near me recently. Imagine my horror when I went along to the opening night and discovered that this was not a club for baseball fans but actually a place where people could engage in sexual acts with strangers. Not wanting to appear rude I felt I should stay a little while and in my efforts to fit in I accidentally tossed off three men in the shower. I just thought I’d write in to mention that this was all a misunderstanding, just in case anybody recognised me and got the wrong idea. I’m definitely not gay though.

Tom C, Hollywood.

 
Dear Sirs/Madams,

I recently went along to the opening night at a new gay club. Part of the advertising for the night described it as being “an ideal opportunity for homosexual men to meet other homosexual men for potential homosexual relationships”. This made me think that it was some kind of, err… puppet show? Yeah, that’ll do. Anyway, imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually a gay club, with lots of homosexual men looking to meet other homosexual men for homosexual relationships. Not wanting to appear rude I stayed for a while and chatted to some of the other patrons. During my attempts to fit in I accidentally entered into a committed, long-term relationship with a burly young fireman called Peter. I just thought I’d write in to mention that it was all a misunderstanding and I’m definitely not gay.

Tom C, Hollywood.

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by | September 29, 2015 · 2:40 pm

40 minute Facebook outage leaves society on brink of total collapse

This would make a great selfie

Scenes during the FB outage would have made a great selfie

A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.

Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading →

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by | September 21, 2015 · 1:00 pm

Man who wandered onto track at Singapore GP nominated for Sports Personality of the Year

An inspiration to millions

An inspiration to millions

A spectator who walked onto the track at the Singapore GP has been installed as the bookies’ favourite to win BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year.

The 27-year-old shot to prominence when he strolled along the side of the track during the race around Singapore’s street circuit, and is now just six points behind Jenson Button in the Drivers’ Championship. Continue reading →

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by | August 25, 2015 · 11:00 am

‘We wouldn’t call you a drugs cheat if you weren’t a drugs cheat’ BBC tell drugs cheat Gatlin

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

After drugs cheat Justin Gatlin’s decision to boycott British media because he keeps being labelled a drugs cheat, the BBC have explained to him that he wouldn’t be referred to as a drugs cheat if he wasn’t a drugs cheat.

The drugs cheat sprinter, who has twice been banned for failing drugs tests, is unhappy that British media are focussing on his history of failing drugs tests (twice) rather than his career best 100m times, which are being achieved with the long-term benefits still in his system of the drugs that he has been banned for taking. Twice. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

France surrenders to cross-channel swimmer

The sandcastle didn't provide enough protection, so they decided to surrenderr

The sandcastle didn’t provide enough protection, so they decided to surrender

Francois Hollande has stepped down as President with immediate effect after France surrendered unconditionally to a cross-channel swimmer.

Andrew Smith, from Basingstoke, completed the swim to raise money for charity and was stunned to be confronted by the entire French military, waving white flags, when he arrived just outside Calais. Continue reading →

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by | August 24, 2015 · 3:30 pm

Justin Gatlin to try taking even more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

After seeing his World Championship gold medal hopes dashed, drugs-cheat Justin Gatlin has vowed to take more and more drugs until he eventually beats Usain Bolt.

Gatlin started the race as favourite but was beaten by one hundredth of a second and now believes that the long-term benefits of the performance enhancing drugs he has already taken may not be enough to achieve his goals. Continue reading →

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by | August 20, 2015 · 2:00 pm

‘Corbyn has links to deranged warmonger’ claims Tony Blair

Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me

Corbyn has an extremely unsavoury association with me

Tony Blair has intervened again in the election, this time demanding that Jeremy Corbyn explain his links to a deranged warmonger who launched an illegal war in the Middle East in 2003.

Blair alleges that Corbyn served in a party led by the war criminal for over ten years. Continue reading →

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by | August 12, 2015 · 3:15 pm

Labour bans 1,200 who ‘might vote wrong’

Don't worry about that scribble at the bottom

Don’t worry about that scribble at the bottom

About 1,200 people have been banned from voting in Labour’s leadership election because they might vote for the wrong person.

Labour said the number would rise as officials check the credentials of anybody registering to vote using the simple screening question “Do you intend to vote for Jeremy Corbyn?”.

Continue reading →

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by | August 5, 2015 · 10:50 am

Athletics ‘rife among drug addicts’ claims Sunday Times report

Hiding a secret addiction to hurdles

Hiding a secret addiction to the 110m hurdles

Up to a third of drug addicts have taken athletics at some point in their careers, according to information obtained by the Sunday Times.

The shocking revelations claim that the athletics range from some relatively harmless recreational jogging, right up to more hard-core activities such as triathlons and marathons. Continue reading →

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by | August 3, 2015 · 1:30 pm

Geordies to be banned from public sector jobs under ‘fluent English’ rules

They seem pleased about something but it's difficult to tell when you don't understand them

They seem pleased about something but it’s difficult to tell when you don’t understand them

Government proposals to bar anybody who doesn’t speak fluent English from public sector roles have resulted in all Geordies being put at risk of redundancy.

The entire staff of Newcastle General Hospital were given notice after Cabinet minister Matt Hancock visited last week and was left staring blankly at everybody who spoke to him.

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by | July 13, 2015 · 11:00 am

Man City agree £2.75m fee for bag of Monster Munch

Paying for potential

Paying for potential

Fresh from finally securing the transfer of Raheem Sterling from Liverpool, Manchester City have agreed to pay Tesco £2.75m for a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch.

City’s expert negotiators stopped off at a Tesco Express after a hard day thrashing out just how far over the odds they would pay for Sterling, and picked up the crisps. After a brief conversation with the store manager they agreed to hand over £2.75m, with a further £500k subject to appearances, for the pickled onion flavoured snack, which has a retail price of just 60p. Continue reading →

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by | June 11, 2015 · 12:00 pm

E-cigarettes ‘could make you look like a bell-end’ warn scientists

There's something wrong with your pen

There’s something wrong with your pen mate

With e-cigarettes in the spotlight amid a potential ban in Wales, scientists have warned that using the devices can make you look like a bell-end.
“Most debate focusses around the relative health benefits compared to regular cigarettes”, explained Doctor Adam Wale, Professor of self-image at the University of Exeter, “But we do not yet fully understand the long-term risks associated with making yourself look like a bell-end by essentially smoking a pen.”
“This is an issue that can stay with you forever, especially if you are photographed with your device as a permanent reminder of just how ridiculous you look.”

Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2015 · 2:45 pm

Entire city of Liverpool to be demolished and rebuilt in shape of Steven Gerrard

An artist's impression of Liverpool in 2019

An artist’s impression of Liverpool in 2019

As a tribute to Liverpool FC’s departing captain and arguably greatest ever player, Steven Gerrard, the entire city is to be demolished and rebuilt in his image.

The work will start as soon as Gerrard, the most talented footballer to ever grace the Premier League, heads to the USA to join LA Galaxy in the summer. It is expected to be completed by 2018, in time for him to return to the club and fail as a manager.  Continue reading →

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by | April 3, 2015 · 11:21 am

Leaders’ debate: who won on socks?

sox

Mmmmmm. Socks

While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.

Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.

Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.

Continue reading →

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by | February 27, 2015 · 9:10 am

Ed Miliband to fund reduction in tuition fees with sponsored fun run

Miliband in his "idiot" costume

Miliband in his “idiot” costume

Ed Miliband is to set out Labour’s plans to cut university tuition fees, funded by a sponsored fun run around the area of Westminster.

Universities UK has warned that limiting the fees to £6,000 per year, instead of the current £9,000, would leave a £10bn funding gap. Mr Miliband, however, is confident that he can raise this figure by asking people to sponsor him to run 5 miles around the streets of Westminster, while dressed as an idiot with a severely limited grasp of economics.  Continue reading →

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by | January 28, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Apple to buy Greece as a holiday home

Already contains plenty of white

Already contains plenty of white

Shortly after announcing record profits Apple CEO, Tim Cook, has revealed that the US technology giant is set to buy Greece and use the debt-ridden European country as a holiday home.

The $18bn profit for three months ending December 2014 is the biggest quarterly profit ever made by a public company, and Cook has decided to spend it on ‘something nice’ for Apple’s staff to use.  Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Liverpool to hire out Balotelli for children’s parties

balotelli

When asked about his stupid hair, he said it was still there, under the wig.

After confirming that Mario Balotelli will not be leaving Liverpool during the January transfer window, Brendan Rodgers has also revealed that the out of favour striker will be available for short-term hire for children’s parties.

The club are hoping to cover a portion of the Italy international’s wages by charging by the hour for him to entertain children with classic routines such as ‘trying to put a training bib on’ and ‘opting to shoot from thirty yards when several teammates are better placed’. Continue reading →

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by | January 5, 2015 · 10:00 am

Oldham may pull out of deal to sign Hitler following public backlash

A real threat on the right wing

A real threat on the right wing

Oldham Athletic are considering pulling out of a controversial move for former leader of the German Nazi Party, Adolf Hitler, after 20,000 people signed an online petition opposing the deal.

The man who was Führer of Germany was set to be cloned on Monday and train with the club ahead of signing a long-term contract, but the public opposition may now force a dramatic U-turn. Continue reading →

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by | December 16, 2014 · 7:00 am

Restaurants urged to end boycott of plates

It fell off the roof so we thought we’d find a use for it. Not sure what happened to the fork, sorry about that.

It fell off the roof so we thought we’d find a use for it. Not sure what happened to the fork, sorry about that.

The general public has finally grown tired of having food served to them on a chopping board, or what looks suspiciously like a roof tile, and have pleaded with restaurants to get over whatever issue they have with plates and start using them again.

The last restaurant to serve a main course on traditional crockery did so in 2011 and since then it has been wooden blocks and building materials all the way. Customers are now pointing out that plates, specifically designed for serving food on, complete with handy curvature to stop the food falling off, do the job perfectly well. Some in the restaurant business are not convinced though.  Continue reading →

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