We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either
The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.
Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.
Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Papers please!
As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.
During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.
“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading
“Am I a war criminal? Perhaps I’ll never know.”
Street parties have been cancelled up and down the land, after it emerged that it’s not foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair facing possible trial for Iraqi war crimes, but some of the squaddies from the business end.
At the Squirrel Lickers yesterday, Dan Brooks voiced his frustration.
“Those war crimes idiots can’t see the dunes for the sand. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Tony Blair, War
Trust me, I’m a Conservative
Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.
“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
“See this? That’s more than the public will benefit.”
Jeremy Hunt is delighted with the success of the Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir’s single, but says all the profits must go to the NHS, as the song was performed in NHS uniforms and filmed on NHS premises.
“But vulnerable individuals will still benefit.” assured the Health Secretary “After we take a 55% administration fee, the balance will be spent on staff redundancy payments.”
invited onto every single, bloody politics programme
UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.
“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”
Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading
FRACKING HELL!
A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.
The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.
Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.
Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.
A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”
The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.
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Filed under environment, News, Politics, science, Technology
On the lookout for an Argie, or an Arthur
A Challenger Tank once driven by Margaret Thatcher, is to be sold in aid of orphans Carol and ‘Sir’ Mark Thatcher.
Chuffed by the sale of a red ministerial box for £242,500, the family are keen to sell some other things that taxpayers thought they’d paid for.
The dusty Battle Tank, ‘found’ in a mews lock-up near her last home, with its keys still in the ignition, will shortly go under the hammer, as will Continue reading
Howdy
Shaker Aamerhas has told extremists to “get the hell out” of the UK and denounced Islamist attacks, but Britain First dismissed this as ‘bollocks’, calling for him to swear loyalty to the Queen, the United Kingdom and the Church of England.
Aamer had been held in captivity for 14 years, in the US government’s fight against people who, if given half a chance, would strip US citizens of their right to a fair trial.
The sight that met Lucy when she returned home
Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.
“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, News
it was too well written & the plot wasn’t unbelievable
A top Tory, who’d denied being aware of bullying complaints before 2015, said today “Ah, I remember it now! At first, I thought the 2010 dossier was Iain Duncan Smith’s new policy for the disabled; then that it was a draft of a Jeffrey Archer novel”.
“Of course, with hindsight it was too well written, the plot wasn’t unbelievable and I didn’t want to scratch my eyes out. I feel such a fool.”
Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.
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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War
These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting
Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.
Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.
To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:
“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading
Letwin doesn’t regret losing £3million “…as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?’
Appearing before the Commons public administration committee yesterday, an alleged minister claimed he’d spunked £3million of hard-working tax-payers’ cash down the drain because reasons. Not because he was an utter moron.
Oliver Letwin admits overruling government officials by paying £3m to Kids Company days before it collapsed but insists he doesn’t regret it “… as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?” Continue reading
Ken says ‘He started it.’
Ken Livingstone, chair of Labour’s defence review, says not apologising to Kevan Jones for a mental health slur “until he apologises to me”, is an exemplar of Labour’s new direction on defence policy.
“My whole life models how the country should be run.” explained the former London Mayor and enthusiastic tax-payer.
“Rather like Jesus, Continue reading
Jeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.
Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.
Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”
“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”
Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.
Thanks to an ignored Freedom of Information request and a fiver we slipped to the editor’s niece who’s a whizz with computers, we’ve somehow uncovered the rather embarrassing exchange between David Cameron and his local Councillor:
From: David Cameron, PM [dave_24601@hotmail.com]
Sent: 10 November 2015 09:37
To: Ian Hudspeth
Cc: G-Dawg [rt.hon.gideon_osborne.ba.hons@etonmess.com]
Subject: Saving money
Hi lan,
Just a quick note to ask if you’ve explored all the options re: these possible ‘cuts’ to local services. Some of them would be counter-productive and actually cost money!
How about bulk-buying photocopy paper and paper clips? An old Uni chum says there’s savings there which wouldn’t affect service delivery. Maybe turn the thermostat down a degree or two?
Making cuts to vital local services won’t play well at the next local elections!
See what you can do, there’s a good chap.
Dave
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Filed under Politics
Sticking to the middle lane gives me the option to doze off
The Department for Transport says the ‘unproductive’ left hand lane and grass verges of the UK’s busiest motorway will be redeveloped for social and affordable homes.
“We were going to teach people to drive properly but when Hammond called for more departmental cuts I thought ‘why bother?'” said minister, Chris Grayling.
“As the former justice minister I’m used to destroying redundant structures, such as the prison service. In fact I might pop along help with this. I’ve still got the sledge hammer I used on the Legal Aid system Continue reading
“Votes, lovely votes. I’ll count the votes in…”
David Cameron’s main concern about the Chilcot report delay is being unable to learn its lessons.
“I mean, I can’t actually see a problem in launching air attacks in Syria” mused the PM to close friends today “But without Chilcot, it’s just impossible to know what might go wrong.”
“Then there’s the plus side. To see RAF jets – not the Red Arrows, proper ones – in action… ‘I counted them all out and I counted them all back’… Continue reading
Nicky Morgan wonders if she could change the currriculum on Boxing day
The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.
“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading
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