Author Archives: dvo

Famous Catholic’s friend was ‘a woman’ – Vatican baffled

pope300

“The chicks love red”

Roman Catholics are reeling this morning, after revelations that a well-known Polish Pope’s bestie was what the Vatican is describing  simply as ‘a woman’.

“No cock, no balls either.” agreed Vatican chief press officer, Federico Lombardi, who admitted he was baffled by the concept of friendship between two people of different genders.

“Nothing down there at all, as far, as we could tell, so obviously there was no sexual activity.”

“In any event, she was an adult, so we’re really struggling to find a motivation for the two liking each other”

Comments Off on Famous Catholic’s friend was ‘a woman’ – Vatican baffled

Filed under News, Religion

Jeremy Hunt ‘confident’ new NHS contracts will influence staff morale

Huntmad

Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”

Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.

“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Jeremy Hunt ‘confident’ new NHS contracts will influence staff morale

Filed under Health, Medicine, News, Politics

Andy Murray loses birth of daughter to Novak Djokovic

nonak&kim

Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic

Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.

Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.

“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading

Comments Off on Andy Murray loses birth of daughter to Novak Djokovic

Filed under breaking news, News, Sport

‘How would Thatcher vote on Brexit?’ to be resolved by séance

thatcher

” Oh no, she’s still alive isn’t she?”

EU ‘inners’ and ‘outers’ have both prayed in aid the late  Margaret Thatcher, leaving many uncertain about which way she wants them to vote.

Norman Tebbit who’s cadaverous appearance lends weight to his claim to know Mrs Thatcher’s current views, has been widely quoted across all news media, dismissing claims that she would vote Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘How would Thatcher vote on Brexit?’ to be resolved by séance

Filed under Europe, News, Politics

Prison suicide rates disappointingly low says Cameron “We can do much better.”

cameronpointing

You there, just stop it. Pfft, this rehabilitation is a piece of piss

An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.

“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted  initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”

“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of  attention but won’t really exist. Continue reading

Comments Off on Prison suicide rates disappointingly low says Cameron “We can do much better.”

Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics

UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”

x-factor-logo

“It will only seem like an eternity”

Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.

An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.

Continue reading

Comments Off on UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”

Filed under Entertainment, music, News, Showbusiness, TV

MP with £400K extra earnings kept apology to 49 seconds, as he was ‘a bit strapped for time’

Cock, with a lot to smile about

A Tory MP who totally accidentally forgot to record £400K of extra-parliamentary bunce, says “It completely slipped my mind.”

Geoffrey Cox had referred himself to the Commissioner in October, as soon as the unfortunate oversight came to light.

Look, I’m a busy QC.” he explained, patiently “It’s a very important role, which rightly takes up a huge amount of my time. I can’t be expected to remember all the petty rules of my part-time MP job. Anyway, I’m not there that much so, when I am, I have to focus on claiming expenses.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on MP with £400K extra earnings kept apology to 49 seconds, as he was ‘a bit strapped for time’

Filed under News, Politics

PM explains robbing disabled people’s Motability is being fair to the rich

cameronpointing

You there, do you really need those crutches?

David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.

“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on PM explains robbing disabled people’s Motability is being fair to the rich

Filed under News, Politics, Transport

Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

cameron_paper

Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice

A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.

“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading

Comments Off on Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

Filed under breaking news, Europe, News, Politics

Chelsea ‘confident’ of recruiting a top racist in the next transfer window

john_terry

Critics say Terry’s on-field comments have become muffled

With John Terry out of contract this summer, Chelsea are keen to bring in a replacement of equal stature and reputation, to please their renowned racist fans.

Jim Davidson is already the bookies’ favourite to be the next non-playing Chelsea captain.

“I’ve been a lifelong Charlton fan” he said “but the chance of performing racist and sexist routines at the highest level again was to good to resist.”

“John Terry is a big act to follow but I’ve got the name and reputation to do so.”

“I’d have loved to have stayed at Chelsea” explained Terry “but sadly the club’s moving in a new direction and won’t even accept racist chants next season.”

“The writing was on the wall, ” he mused philosophically  “it read ‘Fck off Terry, you fcking white c*nt.”

 

 

Comments Off on Chelsea ‘confident’ of recruiting a top racist in the next transfer window

Filed under News

Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’

theresa-may

“We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types”

The UK has agreed to accept some more refugee children but only those who are photogenic, or otherwise ‘cute’.

“Ugly kids bring more sympathy, and frankly they stand out too much.” lied Theresa May “We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types, if you will, ‘paler’ and with blue eyes if possible.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Tyson Fury must stop saying things and focus on punching people

tyson_fury_

I’ll stick to punching other men

Oversized misogynist  oaf, Tyson Fury, has been warned by the British Boxing Board of Control; to take his new status as role-model seriously, stop commenting on things in real life, and stick to punching seven shades of shit out of other men.

“Yes, that’s how many shades there are” confirmed a Dulux technician, rejecting Fury’s claim to have discovered an eighth.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Tyson Fury must stop saying things and focus on punching people

Filed under News, Sport

PM says domestic violence victims ‘should man up’

cameronpointing

Calm down dear. Then make me a cup of tea, there’s a good girl

David Cameron has shrugged off a Court of Appeal ruling that the so-called bedroom tax discriminates against so-called domestic violence victims.

The ruling followed legal challenges by a woman with a panic room in her home, but the DWP had argued that she ought to ‘stand up for herself and grow a pair’, adding  that they might issue loans for abused women to learn martial arts and improve their employability.

Continue reading

Comments Off on PM says domestic violence victims ‘should man up’

Filed under DWP, News, Politics

Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

charityoxfammers

Chuggers are the least of your worries, the thin end of your wedge

An influential committee of MPs has warned charities they’ve a ‘last chance’ to rip-off vulnerable givers, before a new regulator starts work.

“Opportunities for such outrageous, systematic, and heartless abuse will soon disappear” said PACAC chairman Bernard Jenkin “So my advice is to steam in now, while you still can.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

Filed under charity, News, Politics

IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it

IDS-larfing

Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants

An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.

Duncan Smith explained  how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.

“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading

Comments Off on IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it

Filed under DWP, News, Politics

Corbyn-inspired oil price slump ‘a threat to UK recovery’ says Osborne

George-Osborne-hiviz

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed

As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”

Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Economy, International News, News, Politics

Jeremy Hunt walks out on 24 hour strike

hunt-mad

Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”

In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has  balloted himself and after a 100%  vote in favour of industrial action,  promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.

Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Health, News, Politics

TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”

TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.

“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading

Comments Off on TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

Filed under Health, News, Politics

PM to demolish the worst social housing, before selling-off the rest

Cameron-concernedface

Dave practices his Very Earnest face

Like his idol Churchill before him, David Cameron has launched his own version of Blitz spirit only in a modern twist he’ll be the one flattening thousands of people’s homes.

Many of the UK’s worst estates will be bulldozed, in his Blitz on poverty, creating more space for rich people.

Appearing on The Andrew Marr Show, the Prime Minister wore his Very Earnest face, answering questions so fluently one might almost imagine he’d sent them in to the BBC in advance. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Housing, News, Politics

PM: Parents need to teach children “to vote the right way”

cameronpointing

“You in the track suit bottoms, yes you. Vote conservative.”

David Cameron has confirmed that his Life Chances Strategy for tackling child poverty must focus on parenting skills and completely ignore the effects of his own policies.

“If we waste time finding why there’s half a million more children in poverty since I became Prime Minister,”  Mr Cameron joked with journalists “we’d have precious few resources left to tackle the real issue, which is teaching your kids to vote conservative.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on PM: Parents need to teach children “to vote the right way”

Filed under Children, News, Politics