Author Archives: dvo

by | August 27, 2016 · 8:29 am

IDS clarifies: Brexit means *closing* a new hospital each week

IDS

Open a new hospital each week, are you mad? No, what I said was we could close one each week

With hospitals having been told to take a ticket and wait their turn to be closed, Iain Duncan Smith says people misheard him during the referendum campaign.

“I was shocked that people thought I promised to spend shed-loads of cash on the NHS, and open a new hospital each week, we clearly said close. I’m not one to blame others, but I think you’ll find that was the work of Project Fear. Or immigrants. Continue reading →

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by | August 24, 2016 · 7:00 am

Local idiot will sit in the sun all day today, if temperatures top 30°C

sunburn3

See, two whole days in the sun last week – still no cancer

A Harold man who thinks the moon-landings were faked and melanoma is what picnic mugs are made from, hopes to get his annual Vitamin D intake today, if weather forecasts are correct .

Conspiracy theorist and pot-head, 23 year-old Adam Cassidy, says that skin cancer is an invention of cancer charities. Continue reading →

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by | August 20, 2016 · 9:25 am

Baby develops language skills, despite adults always talking gibberish to her

Programme Name: Teletubbies 2015 - TX: n/a - Episode: Teletubbies - ep 1 (No. 1) - Picture Shows: Laa-Laa, Dipsy, Po, Tinky Winky - (C) Teletubbies Production LTD - Photographer: -

Your child may be a Doctor in 25 years. Start talking to her in English

A small child has successfully developed language skills even though adults insist on talking to her in some form of Teletubbish.

In only a few weeks, nine-month old Ellie Reynolds from Harold has upped her game, from blowing bubbles simultaneously via nostrils and mouth, to forming coherent sentences with nouns, verbs, and those ‘ad…’ things you didn’t pay attention to at school. Continue reading →

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by | August 13, 2016 · 4:05 pm

Gary Lineker ‘looking forward to eating pies again’

gary

Still sucking it in until Match of the Day this evening

With the end of a 5 month fast in sight, Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker is keen to start eating properly again.

After presenting a segment of tonight’s MotD in his pants, Lineker will finally relax his abdominal muscles for the first time since Easter and has taken the sensible precaution of lining them with two layers of Tena for Men.

Continue reading →

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by | August 11, 2016 · 10:10 am

Tom Daley’s team mates strike Olympic diving Gold

daley4

Tom Daley; we would

Inspired by Tom Daley’s brilliant-bronze on Day 3, two other Team GB divers won Olympic gold last night. Neither of them are, or have at any time been related to Tom Daley.

Speaking about their win,  Daley, who first shot to public prominence in the 2008 Olympics, as the youngest member of Team GB, said he was ‘delighted’ for his team mates.

Still only 22, Tom has been diving since he was just seven years old, an age when many less-talented children can’t even swim, much less jump into a pool. Continue reading →

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by | August 9, 2016 · 7:00 am

Differing reports on Troubled Families explained: “I was lying” says Cameron

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

Unhappier times for the Camerons – in Cornwall

“Once you realise that – no mystery.” drawled a chillaxed David Cameron from a sunny beach.

“Good PR at the time – I did that before I became an MP as well, you know. Sun’s a bit fierce, would you mind shifting the umbrella to the left? No more Cornwall for me, thank God – I was lying about that too.” Continue reading →

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by | August 8, 2016 · 7:00 am

Education, education, segregation: grammar schools rise again

brady

Graham Brady MP. Anyone else hear braying and the clatter of horses’ hooves?

People who recognise the advantages of an expensive education  over a cheaper version are delighted that grammar schools are making a comeback.

“There are a few issues to resolve, such as how we keep the ‘wrong sort’ sort out, whilst still getting them to pay for it.” said Tory MP Graham Brady, a man who’s reached 49 years of age without once bothering to get a proper job. “We’ll probably rely on local house prices, which served us well for years.” Continue reading →

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by | August 6, 2016 · 8:48 am

Local boy missing for three years “was playing hide & seek”

crumbs2

biscuit crumbs on the floor every morning were a clue

A ten-year old Harold boy, described by Police as being ‘unusually focused and competitive’, had been living in his toy cupboard for three years, after going missing on a particularly wet Bank Holiday weekend.

Giles Baker was found shortly after his parents moved home. The new occupants, disturbed by the disappearance of Müller Corners and Dairylea cheese slices from the fridge, considered calling in a priest but eventually left a trail of Snack Size Mars bars and trapped “an earnest looking boy” in the conservatory. Continue reading →

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by | July 21, 2016 · 7:00 am

“£4.5Million? Great value” says Blair as 180,000 new members mysteriously sign up from same IP address

“It feels just like the old days”

A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.

The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.

“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading →

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by | July 19, 2016 · 7:00 am

“It’s too hot” says man who moaned last week that summer was over

thermometer

“How is anyone supposed to live in temperatures like these?”

A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”

Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.

“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.

Continue reading →

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by | July 16, 2016 · 8:00 am

Theresa May promises to listen to Nicola Sturgeon before ignoring her

Britain's new Prime Minister Theresa May (L) is greet by Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon (R) as she arrives for talks at Bute House, in Edinburgh, on July 15, 2016. Theresa May visited Scotland for talks with the First Minister less than 48 hours after taking office as British prime minister. / AFP PHOTO / Lesley MartinLESLEY MARTIN/AFP/Getty Images

Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason

Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.

Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.

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by | July 9, 2016 · 2:01 pm

“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading →

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by | June 24, 2016 · 8:05 am

Delighted pensioners roll up their sleeves to create a vibrant new economy

oaps

Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail

The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.

“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
Continue reading →

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by | June 22, 2016 · 8:24 pm

Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading →

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by | June 9, 2016 · 7:00 am

MP Sarah Wollaston swaps sides to a different set of liars

sarah_wollaston

I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths, such as David Cameron and George Osborne

Dr Wollaston, Tory chairman of the Health Select Committee, has clambered aboard the other EU referendum horse and galloped off in the opposite direction.

“It was a shock to find that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove were psychopaths, lying about spending £350 million a week more on the NHS. Who knew?” said Dr Wollaston yesterday. “So I’ve thrown my lot in with different psychopaths such as David Cameron and George Osborne.”

Wollaston was pleased that she could both remain a Tory MP and retain her professional integrity.

“And luckily. my position on the Hippocratic Oath is unaffected. There’s nothing in there about selling off the NHS.”

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by | June 5, 2016 · 2:00 pm

Bible knowledge “applies to refugees, not to me” says Home Secretary

May_oo

“I’ll have what she’s having.” May watches a deportation

“I’ve been going to church for years” explained Mrs May “so I’ve no need to prove I’m a christian.

An Iranian though might be tempted to pretend to be so by our subsistence benefits, risking nothing more than public execution of his or her whole family if the Iranian religious police learn about it.” Continue reading →

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by | June 2, 2016 · 9:20 am

Farage on Brexit “we’ll lose the bad stuff & keep all the good bits, we’re not mad.”

pub_landlord_farage

Trust me, I was a commodities trader

UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.

“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading →

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by | May 31, 2016 · 1:48 pm

Final list of scapegoats for England’s Euro 2016 failure announced

hodgson

Hodgson has been practicing this expression for after every match

Roy Hodgson has confirmed the squad of players with whom he will share the blame for another crushing defeat at the national game.

As expected, Wayne Rooney remains as Captain and role model for the younger players “I was an exciting prospect myself ten years ago” said Mr Potato Head “but I learned to cut out the clever stuff and play the traditional England way.” He says the squad have watched Rugby Union videos to help embed the principles of passing backwards. Continue reading →

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by | May 30, 2016 · 8:00 am

Man doesn’t visit Garden or DIY Centre at Bank Holiday

DIY_superstore

At every visit, something  inside you dies

A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.

Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading →

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by | May 24, 2016 · 7:00 am

G4S “only phoned 999 to report dodgy 999 calls”

clowns

G4S Managers meeting

Another steaming tidal-wave of shit seems to have emerged from the Goverment’s favourite contractors, the hapless G4S.

With child victims of their custody staff assaults still sporting bruises, fresh allegations are that G4S police control room staff made loads of 999 calls at quiet times, to boost their performance figures.

Jon Pastry, managing director for G4S public services outlined the background to this latest calamity “We became aware that a shady firm of repeat offenders had made a 999 call to boost their performance figures.” Continue reading →

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