Revellers flock to new venue
The Glastonbury festival will henceforth be changing location every year in an attempt to prevent Coldplay from finding it, it has been announced.
The music festival has been running successfully since 1970 but has been plagued in recent times by a reoccurring outbreak of Coldplay, causing stress and discomfort for many attendees.
Coldplay first performed at Glastonbury in 1927, and have headlined the main stage every year since then, apart from a gap for the last war, when they played the acoustic tent.
“I’m a tolerant man,” insisted founder Michael Eavis, “But I’ve finally had enough.”
“We’ve made it too easy for them to find us, staying in the same place over the years. In 1972 we tried to confuse them by hiding the stage behind a plant pot, but by the Sunday they’d found it.”
“Next year we’re putting the entire festival under a hedge in Wales, and I’ll be buggered if I’m telling them where.”
Filed under Farming, music
The latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
It’s not always this good…
Inspired by the closing of the Port Talbot steel plant and the 81 consecutive days of rain in Pembrokeshire, Bristol spray can dauber Banksy has announced the relaunch of Dismaland, this time on a national scale.
“You have had to pay the entry fee at the Severn Bridge for the prototype that has been running for a few decades now anyway, so people are ready for the step up” said the celebrated vandal.
There’s something wrong with your pen mate
With e-cigarettes in the spotlight amid a potential ban in Wales, scientists have warned that using the devices can make you look like a bell-end.
“Most debate focusses around the relative health benefits compared to regular cigarettes”, explained Doctor Adam Wale, Professor of self-image at the University of Exeter, “But we do not yet fully understand the long-term risks associated with making yourself look like a bell-end by essentially smoking a pen.”
“This is an issue that can stay with you forever, especially if you are photographed with your device as a permanent reminder of just how ridiculous you look.”
“It’s not fair. The worst thing that happened to George W was a pretzel.”
Currently held captive by the Nato summit Barack Obama has spoken of his despair on being trapped in South Wales.
“I was told that people here shared our language and ideals,” he said. “But why is everything ‘tidy’ and what’s the meaning of that giant red wave on the waterfront?” Continue reading
Citizens of countries represented at the NATO meeting in Wales have come up with a radical idea to protect themselves from the dangers of ISIS. They have requested a militarised ring of steel similar to the one protecting their leaders from a few protesters while they discuss the best way to protect their countries.
Electronics ban could set Wales back ‘weeks’
There was embarrassment in the Welsh Assembly last night, after MPs accidentally voted to ban electronics from all public spaces.
The motion had been intended to tackle e-cigs, or ‘electronic cigarettes’ that act as a tobacco replacement. But with no word for ‘e-cig’ in the Welsh language, what they actually voted for was a ban on 21st Century technology.
Suspicions were raised when roadside spitoons were found to be empty.
A translation firm specialising in Welsh roadsigns is under fire from auditors, following claims that they were just changing the font.
Bilingual signs ranging from ‘Give Over’, ‘Think bikier’ and ‘You’re Welcome to Wrexham’ had been commissioned through ‘Inphlegmation Services’, and hung all over the hilly area to the left of the country.
A local religious group, the Druids of Harold, have embarked on a project to bring some mystical culture to the village with a life-sized replica of Stonehenge. The replica will be made with the same rock as the original, which will be dug up in Pembrokeshire and will be transported by the same means using forced Welsh slavery.
The rocks, which will weigh around 25 tons each, will be taken over water along the south coast of Wales and then up the river Avon. They will then rolled on top of tree trunks on the road, going on the M4 southbound, clockwise around the M25, then north on the M1, before coming off at Dunstable and onward to Harold.
Filed under Culture, News