Tag Archives: Royal baby

Nepal: Well done William, now could you bring over your rescue helicopter?

So, so happy

So, so happy

The suffering people of Nepal have shrugged off the impact of a massive earthquake by taking to the streets to celebrate the birth of a new Royal princess.

“It’s such good news for the British public,” said delighted Anchal Tursing, “they must be fed up of hearing about our misery. We really love the Royal Family and even if I hadn’t been forced into the streets by the earthquake I’d be out here celebrating wildly. It might be selfish, but I can’t help but wish the rest of my family had survived to enjoy this special day.” Continue reading

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Baltimore residents take to the streets to celebrate Kate’s labour

imageResidents in Baltimore have been out in force celebrating the Duchess of Cambridge’s admission into Hospital.

“Nothing brings an oppressed community together like the impending birth of an over privileged white child” one protester said.
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Law changed to allow anti-Royal statistics bores to be slapped

She's not interested in the Prince of Cambridge because she cares about real issues, sheeple. She cares.

The cynical expression of someone who doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the Prince of Cambridge. That’s because she cares about real issues, sheeple. She cares.

In an emergency session this morning Harold council changed village law to allow the slapping of anti-Royal statistics bores.

“Something had to be done,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Since eight thirty last night a small minority of Haroldites have been intent on implying that anyone who is happy that Kate’s finally had it, and is enjoying a diversion from the normal god-awful depressing news is an idiot. So now we’ve changed the law to allow ordinary Haroldites to very mildly make their displeasure known.” Continue reading

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Charles insists on homeopathic birth – 10 more royal baby facts

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Here are ten more lesser known facts about the royal birth

  1. Not only will the prince will be 3rd in line to the throne in this country, but he will also be 25th in line to the throne of Abyssinia (now Ethiopia).
  2. The little bundle of joy will have a 10th share in mineral rights on the moon, thanks to a codicil in the will of astronaut Neil Armstrong.
  3. The royal birth was attended by top physicians and a leading homeopathy expert at the insistence of the child’s grandfather, Prince Charles.
  4. In line with tradition, a ceremonial rope, last used to hold down Queen Victoria during the troubled birth of Prince Alfred in 1844, was brought to the hospital and made available to the Duchess. It is understood that the rope and the historic “Boleyn” biting leather was not used on this occasion. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Royals

Royal baby boy is born: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth amid doping allegations.

Kate may be stripped of the 'Royal Heir Makers' yellow jersey

Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey

Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.

“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.

“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”

The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.

Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.

“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.

“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”

The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”

In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.

Royal baby named George. See Wills’ new tattoo…

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Prince Charles discusses impending grandfatherhood with best friend

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by | July 21, 2013 · 5:44 pm

Shock as Kate admits faking pregnancy to cover weight gain

Kate models her pillow

Kate models her pillow

The world is in shock as the Duchess of Cambridge admitted faking her pregnancy as a cover for weight gained from eating a couple of cream cakes too many nine months ago. The admission came shortly after a major betting plunge on the sex of the royal baby, with “pillow” replacing “girl” as hot favourite.

A tearful Kate said that the constant media pressure about producing an heir had got too much for her, and when journalists quizzed her about being pregnant after she had put on a couple of pounds, she thought it was simplest to just agree.
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Bruce Willis and team of mavericks ‘going in there to get that royal baby out’

going_in

We’re going in…

The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.

Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.

“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”

Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.

Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.

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Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel

Royal baby update – St Mary’s Hospital paint nearly dry

After the paint dried, most of the press went home

After the paint dried, most of the press went home

Reporters staking out St Mary’s Hospital, where Princess Kate is soon to give birth, say that the sprucing up of the hospital has been a success and the paint has almost finished drying.

Evening Harold reporter Gavin Smith said after two days camped outside St Mary’s, the general feeling amongst the assembled press was that waiting for the Royal baby was like watching paint dry. But that was until they noticed some paint actually drying.
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The Sun launch their ‘unique and unrivalled’ royal baby coverage

Fake Sheikh Midwife

Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby

Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.

“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals

Gardener creates winning Royal Show topiary from wife’s pubic hair

The only bush to be shaped with wax strips

The only bush to be shaped with wax strips

There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.

Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”

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