Wave this at the Border Force and it’s as good as a visa
Mindless drunken bellow of rage echoing out of a piss-stained alley at closing time in word form, the Sun, is demanding that the UK closes its borders to anyone who isn’t a small child wearing a poppy.
“Anyone who doesn’t wear a poppy AT ALL TIMES is not British enough to be part of our great society,” thundered the paper owned by a man who’s so patriotic he swapped nationalities for tax purposes. “This great country should only accept tots, little tiny tots wearing poppies looking photogenically bewildered as the clutch their teddies, teddies made in Britain wearing poppies, for comfort.” Continue reading
What a bunch of arseholes!
The entire population of the UK has been severely criticised after dismissing David Cameron’s government as “a bunch of arseholes”.
The remark came during Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday, when Cameron displayed an absolute lack of humanity towards refugees fleeing from a war he helped create.
Acting as one, millions of people across the country looked at each other and said: “That government, what a bunch of arseholes”, while Cameron laughed at the plight of the desperate starving thousands.
A spokesman for the government said the public’s remark was “completely unjustified and unfair,” adding that “Although there may be a large number of arseholes in the government, you cannot just lump them together and say everyone is.”
“We do not deny that David Cameron is an arsehole, but many of his colleagues are very nice. OK, Duncan Smith is an arsehole, and Osborne. And May, and Gove, and Hunt, and actually hang on, they really are all just a bunch of arseholes, aren’t they? Every single one of them!”
The general public was not expected to apologise any time soon.
Filed under News, Politics
Who do you think you’re kidding?
European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading
“And after I’ve had a cup of tea I’m going to eradicate polio through memes.”
As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.
“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”
“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading
Elderly shop assistant Elsie Duggan had the shock of her life yesterday when she discovered a family of illegal migrants hidden in a crate of bananas.
“Oooh it was horrible,” she said, still trembling at the memory. “Almost as soon as I ripped open the case, they started to force their way out and scattered to all corners. There were loads of them. I’m amazed that they could move so fast after being cooped up in there so long. There were arms and legs everywhere!” Continue reading
Another person of no fixed address is spotted.
Members of the EC have called an emergency search and rescue meeting, to look for some safe moral highground.
Reputations have been dashed like a small dinghy against a rescue ship, but so far, no-one else has been found responsible for the deaths of hundreds of refugees.
“We thought of blaming the victims, but that didn’t go down well at all”, said Jean-Claude Juncker. “So now we’re hoping to target the people smugglers.”
“But they insist they are only responding to market forces and that someone else created the demand in the first place. And quite frankly, that’s outside of our remit.”
Filed under News, Politics
RUINED: Incomers have created ‘mouth breather ghettos’
The City of Atlantis is struggling to cope with the sheer number of ‘climate change refugees’ pouring in from the West Country.
Once a quiet, moist metropolis with a bouyant economy, Atlantis now resembles ‘something from a Wurzels video’, according to one resident.
“They come down here with their rough cider, their red neckerchiefs and their lungs, and expect us to provide them with air”, claimed merlady Floella Kelp. “I wouldn’t mind, but some of them have brought accordians and leave sticky lumps of Stinking Bishop all over the place. I’m all for multi-culturalism but there has to be a limit.”