Tag Archives: George Osborne

Nick Clegg’s new book: shit hits fan(atics)

clegg3

Hold on, what was the name of that guy in the cabinet who could have stopped them?

Nick Clegg’s says his forthcoming book will lift the lid on former Tory partners. “The public will be shocked to learn that they were inveterate liars and cheats. Plus IDS was also thick. By the way, I’ve got a new book out.”

Blue Peter badge holder, former ‘deputy prime minister’ and coalition gimp, Clegg reveals that Theresa May made up immigration figures, whilst George Osborne didn’t have a clue Continue reading

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Cameron and Osborne resume their ‘inheritor of money’ careers

cameron-osborneA few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.

The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
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Osborne delighted to have more time to play Pokémon GO

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

File claims he’s already caught Mew in the same place you filed his claim to have saved the economy

Ex-Chancellor and future warning from history George Osborne has spoken of his delight at being sacked by Theresa May and dumped on the backbenches like an unwanted puppy on a country road. Continue reading

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Awkwardness as Osborne hasn’t realised he’s for the chop too

osborne

The clue’s on your hat, George…

Unexpected awkwardness was growing in the Conservative party this afternoon as it became apparent that chancellor George Osborne hasn’t yet realised that he is required to resign just as much as David Cameron.

In a buttock-clenchingly embarrassing display of obliviousness, Osborne has signalled his readiness to roll up his sleeves and begin work on economic adaptation to the new realities, tweeting “It is not the outcome I wanted but I respect decision of British people and will do all I can to make it work”.

“We just haven’t got the heart to tell him,” admitted a party spokesperson. “He’s all keen to get going, he doesn’t seem to have any idea that his political life expectancy is about three milliseconds longer than his mate Dave’s.”

“It’s a bit like one of those chickens still blissfully running around after its head’s been cut off, only more awkward. And with less chicken.”

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George Osborne would be forced to eat your children in event of Brexit

I’d eat them with some fava beans

If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.

This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.

“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading

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Everyone now agreed that capitalism is a bit bollocks

arseholes

Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy

Embarrassment for Cameron as his friends find out he’s not so wealthy after all

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

Bankrupt, both financially and morally.

In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.

“I feel conned,” said one city banker.  “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”

Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.

“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.

This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty.  And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.

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“I thought deficit was supposed to go up” admits Osborne

George-Osborne UP

This time I’ve cracked it!

Following the news that the UK’s national deficit has risen to its highest level ever under the Conservative government, Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he only recently learned that it was supposed to be going down, not up.

“I supposed it’s a bit embarrassing,” he confessed to journalists this morning. “I thought a deficit was like a DEPOSIT, something you want more of.”

“So I’ve been trying to make it go higher – very successfully, I thought. I just goes to show you never know.”

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Osborne achieves impossible and makes Iain Duncan Smith look like Jesus

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Fwends

MPs yesterday beheld a miracle as George Osborne refused to apologise for his budget balls-up with such arrogance he made Iain Duncan Smith seem like Jesus in his compassion and morality.

“No apology needed,” Osborne barked. “My budget looks after those who need protecting most i.e wealthy Tory pensioners. So what if it was an attack on the disabled. You say disabled, I say not pulling your socks up, and in some cases going so far as to claim you can’t put your socks on, and getting out to work.” Continue reading

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If this is a Tory civil war, imagine what it will be like when it gets nasty

Cameron Popcorn sales have soared as the British public sit back in their armchairs to watch the Tories tear each other apart, hopefully literally.

“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
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Government plans to upgrade all schools to nice apartments

Playgrounds provide ample parking

The government revealed today that the next phase in its education policy is for all state-owned schools to converted as quickly as possible into nice apartments for rich people.

“This country has a fine school tradition,” explained chancellor George Osborne, “With some magnificent old buildings, many with high ceilings and lots of original features. With fewer children and better furniture we could be looking at some really good news for our friends’ building companies.”

“Renovation, renovation, renovation, that’s our motto.”

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Filed under Education, Lifestyle, News

Minimum-wage earners ‘delighted’ by Osborne pensions U-turn

Pity him, for he knows not what he does

Are you thinking what he’s thinking? Shame on you!

Low-paid workers are celebrating the UK Chancellor’s decision not to end tax relief on pension contributions.

“I was sick with worry, about it,” said Carly Jeffery, a Teaching Assistant from the English village of Harold “so this is a great weight off my mind.”

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Corbyn-inspired oil price slump ‘a threat to UK recovery’ says Osborne

George-Osborne-hiviz

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed

As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”

Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading

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‘Don’t care, I live behind huge gates’: Osborne indifferent to financial doom

A-police-officer-in-Downi-012

If it all kicks off he’s got lots of friends who look like this

Dead-eyed Blue Meanie in a human being costume, George Osborne, has spoken of his indifference to the approaching financial apocalypse.

“Don’t really give one to be honest,” he said. “Maybe it should all go boom and slip into invigorating chaos. For one thing all that foraging and fighting would solve the obesity crisis. When I’m ordered to go out and meet the public I often think that what would benefit almost all of them the most is a good dose of Hunger Games.” Continue reading

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Austerity: Osborne cuts 12 days of Christmas to 3 keeps partridge for himself

The Gidders who stole Christmas

George Osborne has today announced severe cuts to the twelve days of Christmas saying that the nation can no longer afford them and that in any case he and his chums are keeping the best ones for themselves.

“Let’s be realistic about this,” he said. “There is no place in today’s economy for shirkers who go about dancing and putting various types of bird in the post. There is really only one acceptable day for the masses as maids who milk are working hard and contributing to the nation’s coffers. I will also allow professional pipers to pipe and drummers to drum as long as they declare in full any income derived from these activities and aren’t part of some pathetically wet set-up that relies on an Arts Council grant.” Continue reading

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Government proposal for total homeopathy ban ‘likely to end up very watered down’

One small drop for man, one giant leap for the National Debt.

One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.

A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.

The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.

“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”

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Unused left-hand lane of M1 to be dug up and used for affordable homes

audi-in-middle-lane

Sticking to the middle lane gives me the option to doze off

The Department for Transport has announced that the ‘unproductive’ left hand lane and grass verges of the UK’s busiest Motorway will be redeveloped for social and affordable homes.

“We were planning how we could teach motorists to drive properly but when Gideon called for yet more departmental cuts I thought ‘why bother?'” said Secretary of State, Patrick McLoughlin.

“It’s an unused brownfield site so we expect no objections and work should start next year. As a former miner Continue reading

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Osborne warned against yachting holidays after Maxwellising Local Government pensions

george-osborne-looking-mad

89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.

Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.

“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading

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Osborne says lazy poor should eat their own babies

junior lobsterUK Chancellor George Osborne says it is about time lazy poor people ate their own babies, rather than relying on Tories to do it for them.

“For far too long, hard-working Tories have had to shoulder the baby-eating responsibilities” said Osborne as he feasted on a Bolton toddler’s succulent thigh.
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Chancellor: this will hurt you more than… actually it’s just going to hurt

cameron-osborne-laughing

George and Dave listen to Labour’s response

The first Tory budget since 1996 aims for rich people to keep more of the cash they’ve got from poor people. “We’ve a lot of years to make up but it’s much much more than just revenge.” insists George Osborne.

“It’s also about stopping the poor getting any of the cash that belongs to us. Continue reading

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