Not to mention the pot holes…
While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.
“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.
“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”
The Russian Ambassador has complained about prejudiced UK weather reports.
“You get bit of snow and immediately point finger at Russia. Not fair. You have no evidence to support theory of cold air from Siberia.”
But the met office has confirmed that the recent big freeze was correctly identified as the Beast from the East, or Storm Vladimir Putin to give it its proper name.
“The evidence is there,” said a BBC weatherwoman, pointing to the carcass of a yeti washed up on a beach in Norfolk.
Obviously no spare rooms here.
Homeless people in Windsor say their livelihoods are under threat as rumours circulate of a street-level takeover by a ruthless gang of highly professional beggars.
“The gang all claim to be members of a single yet extraordinarily extended family,” said Windsor Vagrants’ spokesperson Lindsay Tarsal. “What we do know is they use various aliases, often chosen to sound like your local. The Duke of Kent, the Prince of Wales, the Pig and Whistle… oh, hang on, that last one was David Cameron.”
“So now they’re heading down our way and all of a sudden, who would’ve guessed it, lo and behold, what’s their name now, ah, The Windsors of course, poncing about as though they own the place.”
That rabbit’s dynamite!
The world’s largest bunny rabbit which was found brutally beaten to death with hammers on a United Airlines flight had been ‘disruptive’, according to airline CEO Oscar Munoz.
In an internal email to staff, Munoz confirmed that the rabbit, a 3ft continental giant called Simon, had become ‘uncooperative’ after being denied lettuce.
Passengers on board the aircraft then posted harrowing scenes of the animal being dragged from its hutch by security, beaten with hammers and then boiled alive in front of screaming children.
“This is standard operating procedure, and I commend our staff for their actions,” insisted Munoz. “Especially the hammers thing.”
“Without going into details, the bunny in question had been asked several times to stop making that hungry grunting sound they do, and it declined to comply, on the grounds that it didn’t speak English or have a clue what the hell we were talking about.”
“In cases such as these, the use of hammers and the boiling thing are entirely justified by aviation laws.”
Critics have suggested that beating customers with hammers and then boiling them to death might not be the hallmark of a modern caring company, but United Airlines have pointed out “Fuck you”.
There were red faces and some ‘lolz’ up and down Harold High Street when it emerged that many readers had been taken in by one of our April fool stories – but did you spot it?
Residents awoke to a straight-faced article on the business pages of our off-line version that explained how Mexican regulators had given the go ahead for the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC) to take a ‘significant’ share of the local operations of Grupo Financiero Banorte, S.A.B. de C.V., (Banorte), one of the big four Mexican commercial banks.
But the joke was on them, because nothing of the sort had happened, and it appears many readers believed the story, answering “yes” when asked if they believed the story.
Boris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.