OK, you first.
The country has reacted with bitter disappointment this morning to discover on waking that Nigel Farage is for some reason still in existence.
“Leaving Europe will bugger up our country for generations,” explained Evening Harold business editor Piers Waghorn, “But if there was one faint silver lining to this massive turd cloud it was that Farage should logically cease to be.”
“What’s he thinking? Why does he still exist? By now he should be a bad memory, not a living breathing arsepipe.”
The millions who voted to Leave the EU have also all expressed disappointment, explaining that the only reason they did it was to get rid of Farage once and for all.
“We realise the country will sink into recession and England is now the most despised nation on Earth,” admitted a spokesperson for the 52%.
“But it seemed worth it on the assumption that UKIP would disappear. We feel cheated.”
However, speaking to journalists, Farage insisted that his work was far from complete.
“On one level, I’ve ruined the country, it’s true. But there’s so much more to do. Have you got a swimming pool? Well do you go to one? Good, I’m going to piss in it. Then I’ll let down your tyres. Then I’m off to Tesco’s to touch all the fruit.”
“With my cock.”
“An arsehole’s work is never done!”
The clue’s on your hat, George…
Unexpected awkwardness was growing in the Conservative party this afternoon as it became apparent that chancellor George Osborne hasn’t yet realised that he is required to resign just as much as David Cameron.
In a buttock-clenchingly embarrassing display of obliviousness, Osborne has signalled his readiness to roll up his sleeves and begin work on economic adaptation to the new realities, tweeting “It is not the outcome I wanted but I respect decision of British people and will do all I can to make it work”.
“We just haven’t got the heart to tell him,” admitted a party spokesperson. “He’s all keen to get going, he doesn’t seem to have any idea that his political life expectancy is about three milliseconds longer than his mate Dave’s.”
“It’s a bit like one of those chickens still blissfully running around after its head’s been cut off, only more awkward. And with less chicken.”
And you, and you, and you…
Nigel Farage has taken a moment’s break from his loathsome victory writhings to clarify the Leave campaign’s promise to divert an alleged £350 million per day into the National Health Service.
“That was all bollocks,” he explained. “You see, we said that so that people would vote for us, but it isn’t true.”
“For a start, it isn’t actually £350 million. That was made up. We do pay into the EU, but we get most of it back. But that wouldn’t have made you vote for us.”
“The other thing, about giving the money to the NHS, that was what we in politics call a ‘lie’. We hate the NHS, we’re going to sell it to evil American corporations and deny all health care to poor people.”
“So it wouldn’t make sense to give it money, would it? Come on, be serious.”
“Anyway, today is a great day for democracy.”
“And to further clarify, when I say that, what I mean is – ‘you’re all fucked’. Thanks for listening!”
Turkeys are heading to the polls today to decide once and for all whether they should demand Christmas.
In a vote which is looking neck and neck, there is every chance that the nation’s turkeys will collectively decide that they want nothing more than to be slaughtered, roasted in fire and feasted on by salivating old Etonians.
“It’s about taking back control,” explained one turkey waiting patiently in line to be butchered. “I could live to a deeply dissatisfying old age, or have my head cut off.”
“Well, it’s my head, and I don’t see why anyone else should tell me what to do with it.”
Celebrity Eurosceptic and glutton Michael Gove explained why a vote for Christmas was the best thing for Britain:
“Our Turkeys know that what they really need is to be smeared with butter, roasted for four hours, and basted every thirty minutes.”
“I’ve been stuffing them for years, and they don’t seem to mind a bit.”
When asked for a comment, drooling carnivore Boris Johnson merely burped and muttered something about gravy.
A spokesturkey for the Remain Alive For God’s Sake campaign expressed disbelief that so many turkeys were voting to be killed and eaten, saying: “Are you not paying attention? They are going to kill and eat us! With gravy! Is that what you want?”
“We’re game!” chorused half the voting turkeys.
“Nigel Farage? He was one of the hobbits, right?”
President Obama is believed to be having a nice time in England despite being thrown heaps of shade from a collection of blazers and swivel-eyes who want it to be 1952 again. Even though various Brexiters and kippers have tweeted mean things about him he’s found the strength to carry on with his visit. Continue reading
Dave ‘n’ his BFF: chock full o’feelings
As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.
Continuing with his mission to rid the world of all threats to the United States of America, President Obama has said he is to launch air attacks on the European Ryder Cup team.
“There is a clear threat to the US in the golf,” Obama said in a speech to the US Congress. “A red line has been crossed and now we must act now stop more American citizens being humiliated overseas.”
Filed under Culture, Sport
Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish
The World Wide Fund for Nature has announced that the tiny Soy Sauce fish has become an endangered species.
Once common with every sushi meal, the fish has been, ..well … fished to the very edge of extinction according to experts who spent several months trawling the oceans for specimens but failed to catch a single one of the petite bottle nosed fish.
“Only a total ban on fishing can bring any hope of restoring stocks,” said one boffin. “We appreciate that this will have an impact on the Japanese diet especially, but I’m sure they will be able to adapt. Personally, I find salt and vinegar goes really well with cod so it should be fine with sushi.” Continue reading
1% of voters have spotted the similarity
A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.
“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”
Filed under News, Politics
Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.
Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.
Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.
Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.
“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Signs will be printed very locally
With exiting organisations currently all the rage, a third Harold councillor has declared they would ‘happily walk away from Bedfordshire tomorrow’.
Harold has already declared independence from Europe, NATO and Groupon, but the latest move could see the village become ‘more insular than many dared dream’.
“There are some good things about being in Bedfordshire”, Ron Ronsson admitted. “It’s a relatively small county, and not many people visit. But given an in/out referendum, I’d have to say ‘out’. It doesn’t do to dwell too long on the positives.”