Tag Archives: EU

The May stood on the burning deck…

The May stood on the burning deck
Whence David Cameron had fled;
The bus o’lies that started all this dreck
A rusted heap long dead.
Yet strong and stable she stood,
To the EU she would not yield –
A creature of Oxford and the Bank of England,
Who’d rather run through a wheat field. Continue reading

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Ukip MEP slams lax EU finance controls that let him ‘misuse’ £100K

Roger Helmer MEP, working flat out for you

“This is typical EU sloppiness.” claimed Ukip’s Roger Helmer who has resigned as an MEP, ahead of demands he repay £100K spent illicitly employing a Ukip party worker, in breach of the rules.

“Even a banana republic wouldn’t let me misuse that much money” Helmer said, with passion “The public deserves better and happily, with Brexit, such brazen scandals will soon be a thing of the past”adding Continue reading

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Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report

Is this some kind of bust?

Is this some kind of bust?

Obama’s removal of the Churchill bust from the Oval Office confirmed, as Boris Johnson pointed out in his article for The Sun newspaper, that he carries the anti-Brit gene inherited from his Kenyan side, but a new report suggests that this is just the latest in a long line of US Presidents unable to think or act rationally due to dodgy DNA.

The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.

Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.

Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.

Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War

Local landlord to use quantitative easing to pay tax bill

image Local businessman Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers Arms, Harold, has said he will pay his upcoming tax bill through a round of quantitative easing (QE).

In a statement on the pub’s Facebook page, Eddie explained that although German beers were doing very well, poor sales of the Greek Kofta and the Portuguese ‘Ronaldo spit roast’ meant the pubs growth was static.

“In light of those figures, We have decided to make our own money and use that to pay HMRC,” the statement said.

“This may seem like we are just making life easier by making our own money instead of dealing with the underlying issues, but this move is actually massive benefit for everyone involved. Unfortunately we have no idea why that is, but if we say it enough times you may just start believing us.”

Among the critics of the move was Lionel Garage, leader of the Harold Independence Party.

“It’s fine if the taxman is willing to accept it, but the thought of just printing money to sort your cash flow out seems too good to be true,” Garage said.

“Like the time he offered free pork scratchings with every pint at the same time his psoriasis flared up.”

Despite the criticism that this may be immoral, Eddie said that it will actually help put money back into the community, specifically within the art world.

“My printer’s run out of ink so I’m looking for someone who can draw a really good queen.”

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Filed under Business, News, Politics

Cameron to remind EU of British tax values: ‘just because you earn more, doesn’t mean you pay more’

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David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.

The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
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Chaos as Queen inadvertently reads UKIP speech handed to her by Prince Philip

Let them eat fruitcake

Let them eat fruitcake

There was uproar at Westminster this morning after the Queen read out a list of half-baked UKIP policies instead of the expected zombie speech from the Coalition Government.

There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.

By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading

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Farage denies having a stooge during EU debate: “that was Clegg”

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Nigel Farage has been accused of cheating following the LBC EU debate this evening. The Ukip leader has been forced to deny having a stooge in the debate and said the person accused of being placed in the room to make him look good was actually Nick Clegg.

The debate over the UK’s membership of Europe was the first of two, with the second happening next week, and was designed to be between two leaders on the pros and cons of membership.

But David Cameron and Ed Miliband both declined the opportunity so Farage and Clegg took part instead.

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‘One dead badger does not make you a rural community’ EU tells Harold

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The councillor’s other plan to paint all the squirrels red and get Harold declared a wildlife haven is thought to be equally doomed. It’s harder than you might think to paint a squirrel. Trust us, we know. We’re not proud of this but we do know.

A local councillor has expressed disappointment after his bid for a reduction in road fuel duty was rejected by bureaucrats in Brussels.  ‘Apparently, we’re simply not remotely rural enough,’ said Councillor Crossley.

Factors cited by Brussels in rejecting the claim were the lack of any significant distance from one place to another within the general area or any long views or muddy pathways stretching across miles of vast, open wilderness.  But mainly it was because the application was sent in late. Continue reading

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‘Baby boom’ proves Brits may be crap in bed, but we are the most productive.

20130809-002408.jpgA survey by the Office of National Statistics has shown that although the British are notoriously bad in bed, we are the most productive. The survey has shown that there were more births in 2011-2012 than in any other year since 1972 -a vintage year in the baby-making industry that brought us Miranda Hart and Liam Gallagher.

The increase in the birth rate has seen the UK go to number one of EU countries. It is seen as proof that although the French and Italians may be revered for their caring, loving and sensual approach to love making, the traditional British 5-minute-fumble with a stranger is still the most reliable technique for reproduction.

David Cameron has been very quick to jump on this good news story. During a visit with the Mayor of London to a maternity ward, the prime minister told reporters, “This goes to show that despite cuts and austerity, British manufacturing is thriving. This is the most productive this country has been in over 40 years.”

Boris Johnson was also swift to praise the results of the report. When asked if he thought the UK could now retain its place at the top of the baby-making league he said he was “doing his best”.

Not everyone has been so positive though. Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite Union said one good year is not indicative of the industry as a whole. “The human reproduction industry is very similar to coal mining” he told us. “Any positive thoughts are quickly ruined when you lay back and think of Maggie.”

The ONS has used the report to try and rekindle the pride felt in Britain over the year covered. “This recent ‘baby-boom’ has occurred over a time that included the London Olympics” the report said, “which just goes to show, although we weren’t to good in the pool, little British swimmers were still the winners.”

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Filed under Lifestyle, Politics, Uncategorized